Heedless by Yuvraj Rajwanshi (Yuvraj) writing as Can't say, it's OWC - Short, Drama - A man's Thanksgiving night is disturbed when an unexpected visitor arrives seeking some answers. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wendy is one the most forgiving mal-treated-during-life apparitions I've ever seen.  It's kind of nice for a change to see one who doesn't say something like, "You think that makes up for my daughter's life!", etc., etc.  I liked it.

Hi writer,

Ok, sorry, I read this twice and am still confused. That being said, it had a Mothman Prophesy vibe going on and I love that creepy folklore stuff, so kudos for making my mind go there.

Glad Owen was happy in the end, makes for a better finale than someone or something dying. Best of luck with it.

This got confusing quickly.

I had to backtrack twice.

Wendy crashed the car, but it was Owen's fault that he didn't stop in the middle of the night, and so her daughter died ???

So her apparition is mad at him but then lets him go when he tells his side of the story ???
That was very nice and forgiven.

Not only that his dead wife shows up for Thanksgiving


Had me at the start, lost me in the middle, and the end.

Good job on entering

This is great adjacent. That is, it's sooo close to be really superb.

The storytelling itself is higher level, in my book. The writing itself, too basic. Let's see if I can't explain... because I think if you tightened things up, this would be really strong.

Storytelling: You take us through a scenario we've all read/written before... dead victim seeks revenge on their killer... and you twist it. That's fantastic. Then, you twist it again: she gives, rather than takes. I mean, I just LOVE that.

The writing? There are a few simple mistakes... barely worth pointing out... like, INT. HOUSE - DINING TABLE. The table is a prop in the setting. INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM... but, like I said, so what? Easy fix.

But, the dialogue is super clunky. Unless it adds something to the scene, delete it. First bit of dialogue: "Oh, that's terrible!" If the point is that he's sympathetic, then better to show it through action, rather than say exactly what he's thinking.

Next EX: Owen notices the cane in her hand. "Why are you carrying a cane?" The line doesn't add anything. If you delete it... He notices the cane... she sees him notice... "Oh, this?..."

Point is, the page will really sing if you skip the unnecessary bits...

Owen looks up, puzzled. He gets up, opens the-
DOOR

WENDY(OS)
Sorry to disturb you, but my car just broke down.

WENDY(60s), cane in hand, shivers outside. Owen glances past her and sees a car parked near his house.

WENDY
I just need to use your phone coz my phone battery died.

Owen looks at the cane.

WENDY
Oh! this. I can't see. I'm blind.

Confusion washes over his face.

WENDY
Yeah. An unfortunate accident.

He peeks again at the car.

Wendy chuckles.

WENDY
I get this all the time. Yes, I can drive. I even have the licence. Lemme in, and I'll clear up your confusion.


It gets better from there, but that first page is SO important. You need to get us to the good bits as quickly as you can.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the script, especially the story. I hope you'll consider cleaning up the dialogue. Make it less on the nose, more layered and mysterious. Roll out the story just as you have, and you've got it!

Thanks for sharing. Good stuff.

A little too confusing to work, and the logic doesn't really flow.

Also Thanksgiving is definitely shoe horned in here with no real connection ot the story.

I did like the initial couple of pages, had a dream/nightmare quality that I thought you built well.

Around page six things get complicated and convoluted with the flashbacks.

Loved the opening!  I was right there for this intriguing, spooky, mind-bending stuff - It had a terrific Twilight Zone vibe to it and then it got somewhat diffused with basically explaining how this all came to be. The hospital, the Leena character, the break-in, I'd scrap all that. I'd personally have Owen traveling in his car as a selfish self-absorbed, maybe distracted person failing to stop at the accident, hitting one of them, not calling for help etc.

Quite a lot of punctuation, grammar, word usage and tense issues to be fixed.

Upset, OWEN(30s) sits alone...
Show us he's upset instead of throwing 'upset' into the description.

WENDY
No. That'll be easy.
No. That'd be too easy.

OWEN
Excuse me, I need to know where
Sharon is? I'm her husband.
He'd use her full name here, not just Sharon.

OWEN
Where's it?
Where is that? or: Where do I go? Or: Can you give me directions please?

OWEN
Why she's in the emergency unit?
You told me on the phone that
Why is she in the Emergency unit?

EXT. OWEN'S HOUSE - PRESENT

**

                     OWEN
Some burglars broke into our house
that night. They attacked Sharon
and she...

**You need some description before you continue on with the above dialogue.

He tries to hit her with his limbs, but she won't budge.
Awkward description.
Something like: Arms flailing. He gasps for breath.

You remember anything, you bastard.
Suggestion: Do you remember now, you bastard?
Is it coming back to you now, you bastard?

Okay, I'll stop the suggestions now.
Suffice to say you needed a better plot link with Thanksgiving.

Rewrite this though, with or without the parameters.
The beginning is terrific and engrossing and was really entertaining to read.

Hi Writer

Opening is a bit bare-boned. What does the house look like (Terraced run-down or detached and opulent?)
What does Owen look like? Is he clean and well-dressed? dishevelled?

You don't use ... correctly.

Quoted Text OWEN What the fuck?!

This is my least favourite line of dialogue (in all scripts, not yours). It's so overused as an exclamation of disbelief.

In this instance would it even be a "what the fuck" moment? or would it simply be a "Hey, your cars gone!" moment?

Quoted Text Absolute terror strikes Owen as he turns around and sees Wendy still on the couch. OWEN What?!

That was more of a "What the fuck" moment.

Alright, you got me, thought I was in for another done-to-death ghost revenge story but I did not see his explanation and ultimate forgiveness coming. Nice one, I enjoyed that.

The set-up is nice and creepy with Wendy apparating around the place and the repetition of her dialogue. But you could set the scene a helluva lot better, a lot more description is needed.

The flashbacks are equally sloppy in their execution but they at least push the story forward. I would remove Leena as we would have no idea who she is, just have a Doctor give the bad news.

I loved the twist, as the setup was heading towards him receiving a grisly end, you took us somewhere else. Confusion over Wendy though, and whether she knew his side already? and if she knew Sharon was going to appear. this part could do with a bit more clarification.

Overall you have a good story to stick with, but the writing is too sloppy, and far too bare-bones. Dialogue also needs a lot of work.

Best of luck

Writer,

Pretty good. You had me with the tension buildup, the multiple Wendy’s was pretty chaotic in a good way. So, I’m guessing that Wendy saw the error of her ways? If that’s the case, then good. Still, I would have liked a little something more to end this. And I’m not sure how blindness played into the whole story other than just Wendy saying she was blind — perhaps as a metaphor or for her to trick Owen at first? Either way, pretty good. Good execution, but the end left me wanting Something a bit more satisfying. Good work!

Steve

I do like this overall and it was an easy read which I always appreciate.

I never really got Owen's mood in the story though - I think you undersell it with --

Quoted Text Upset, OWEN(30s) sits alone at the table with the food.

So with that and some of his seemingly casual dialogue, I forgot he was sad so when he reveals to Wendy that his wife has just been murdered, I was like 'what?'

I can't get my head around the below incident either --

Quoted Text Owen steers his car away from Wendy's direction. As Owen gets closer, Wendy staggers forward and gets hit on her left leg.

seems a bit infeasible.

But, this is still a creative take on the challenge - which I did enjoy reading.

Well done, good luck.

I thought this was beautiful.

Different and romantic. I'm sorry for Owen. A good example that not everything can be viewed as black and white in life. Ver3y clever script overall.

And very well written.

Maybe when Wendy cries for help you shoulde voice it out? let her scream Help, help.. Best of luck

Unfortunately, I am late to the game i reading your script, and after the many, many comments preceding my thoughts, let me just say this:

The opening really got me into the story, but then I had to read it two or three times to pull everything together in my mind. BUT, because the opening was so engaging, I was more than willing to unravel this Rubik's Cube of a plot to get to the conclusion.

And, well worth it!

Once I could "see" everything happening, I very much enjoyed your story.

Ahoy writer,

Hmmm,  liked it. it needs to be airbrushed, maybe work with the dialogue some, it got a bit muddled in the middle - had to read it twice, However, as much as I appreciate the brevity - there is a thing as too much brevity where your screenplay...then starts to read very robot-like and lacks any voice (style), or other compelling elements. Not saying that's the case here. Anywaz, all in all methinks you put forth a pretty nice effort here. Like I said, overall I liked it. Best of Irish luck! :)-A