The Funeral Director's Assistant by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - A funeral director's assistant is forced to reveal a dark secret while watching over a dead body in the viewing room of a funeral home. 15 pages  - pdf format

A short , pulled from the feature script "The Dead Body"


Writer interested in feedback on this work

SOME SPOILERS BELOW:


Hey Sean, gave this a read enticed by your Logline and terrific poster as usual.

Now, I don know why but I initially read this as gangsters guarding a body. I have no idea why (maybe their colourful suits and ties?) their slick descriptions made me picture them as Mafia types, and that's the way it stayed in my head until I finished, reread the Logline and then read it again.

I really think you could do with setting up the relationship between Funeral Director and Trainee with more focus on Sam being new to the job - the Mortician's Apprentice, so to speak. I think the Funeral Director's language should be a bit more formal and by the book too (less bullshit in the lingo - that kinda talk belongs to Sam I think). Sam, in contrast, snapping on gum, a bit cocky, is spot on. Oscar sounds a lot of the time like a peer instead of someone with professional superiority. Louie is great as the almost mute elder Statesman of the trio.

I think your opening is a bit on the lengthy side of description - of the room itself, the flowers, coffee table, sofa, etc. If I were you I'd get right into the excellent premise. Someone guarding a casket is a great idea. Why does a dead body need guarding, why the padlock, why four hours at a time, and that the family insisted on someone being with the body at all times and the funeral director complies etc.? It's a very odd request and very King-esque, in a very creepy way.

OSCAR (CONT’D)
Well.  Here  he  is.
Perhaps give the body (character) an eloquent and imposing name?
I'm pretty sure Funeral Director's probably use names for bodies in their care.

Maybe Oscar issues a stronger warning to Sam that under no circumstances he interfere with the body/casket etc.

I love what eventually happens. I won't give away the reveal. It's clever, also considering I thought the body might be locked up to prevent it causing harm of a physical kind.

Loved the trick with time passing.

Not everyone is going to carry around a lock-picking kit in their pocket.
I suppose you get away with this with this character purely based on the nasty piece of work he is.

Punctuation wise I don't think you need half the amount of ellipses when Dead Body is stating emphatic things, or when Sam interrupts his dialogue. I'd suggest for pacing you could look at this.

Loved this line.
...so hopefully  you  pissed  and  puffed before  you  got  here

So this is really terrific. Loved the ending with nothing in the casket, but I'm not sure I got the denouement even though on film it could be very effective. Would love to hear what played out in your head there.

I really enjoyed this!

Quoted from LC Now, I don know why but I initially read this as gangsters guarding a body. I have no idea why (maybe their colourful suits and ties?) their slick descriptions made me picture them as Mafia types, and that's the way it stayed in my head until I finished, reread the Logline and then read it again.

I actually really love this idea. Thanks for planting the seed in my head!

Quoted from LC I think the Funeral Director's language should be a bit more formal and by the book too (less bullshit in the lingo - that kinda talk belongs to Sam I think). Sam, in contrast, snapping on gum, a bit cocky, is spot on. Oscar sounds a lot of the time like a peer instead of someone with professional superiority.

Yes, I do agree myself. I made Oscar older in age, but not so much in how he speaks. I need him to be a bit more respectful, cordial I suppose. But, I've worked with some outrageous funeral directors before, too!

Quoted from LC I think your opening is a bit on the lengthy side of description - of the room itself, the flowers, coffee table, sofa, etc. If I were you I'd get right into the excellent premise.

First and foremost, thank you for the compliment. Secondly, I've been criticized before for not having enough detail in my descriptions for the setting and that it's hard for people to picture it. So this time I tried to be a little more detailed, but I suppose it is quite a bit, especially when you open the first page and it's nearly nothing but detail, it can be rather daunting. But not to worry, fellow reader, it DOES pick up!

I'll work on the descriptions.

Quoted from LC OSCAR (CONT�D) Well.  Here  he  is. Perhaps give the body (character) an eloquent and imposing name? I'm pretty sure Funeral Director's probably use names for bodies in their care.

In the feature-length script THE DEAD BODY, the dead body, the man who died, is never given a name. This also upset readers as well, but I personally enjoy it. I enjoy knowing as little about the deceased as possible. It makes it more mysterious and spooky, in my opinion. But, alas, you are right. The funeral director would be a little more cordial and at least say, "Well, here is Mister So-And-So"

Quoted from LC Maybe Oscar issues a stronger warning to Sam that under no circumstances he interfere with the body/casket etc.

Noted!

Quoted from LC Not everyone is going to carry around a lock-picking kit in their pocket. I suppose you get away with this with this character purely based on the nasty piece of work he is.

Yeah the lock pick kit is a stretch, but not impossible. I tried making Sam as close to a piece of work he is as I could, while still making him somewhat decent. As we end up finding out, however, he is not very decent. Not very much at all.

Quoted from LC Punctuation wise I don't think you need half the amount of ellipses when Dead Body is stating emphatic things, or when Sam interrupts his dialogue. I'd suggest for pacing you could look at this.

Yes this was another note from the feature from a lot of readers. I'll look back into decreasing and removing the amount of ellipses for The Dead Body, but I just wanted to convey a sense of The Dead Body dragging out his dialogue.

Quoted from LC So this is really terrific. Loved the ending with nothing in the casket, but I'm not sure I got the denouement even though on film it could be very effective. Would love to hear what played out in your head there.

The very last shot was pulled from the second Act in the feature script, THE MORTICIAN. I made the casket a closed casket to hide whatever happened to kill The Dead Body. When I first wrote this script, we saw The Dead Body in a jump scare. He's mutilated beyond recognition and looks like he was thrown in a blender and then set on fire. But I thought, "What would make it even scarier? If we never see what The Dead Body looks like."

So I did just that. I wanted to play with the audience's imagination. What DID Sam see that terrified him so badly? Was it truly The Dead Body? Was it whatever might've been possessing The Dead Body? In my head, there are a dozen things that could've happened, but alas, I am sorta stuck on deciding on what he sees. Mutilated bodies are a horrifying sight (trust, I've seen them when I picked up bodies as my first job here in Colorado�the very event that helped me come up with the original idea for THE DEAD BODY), and if you've seen the movie SMILE, there's a part where they quickly flash a cut of a mutilated dead body's face, and it's a rather effective jump scare.

Anyway, enough rambling. To put it plain and simple, what Sam sees, and how it ends, is up for the audience's interpretation. I have my own. I believe he sees the true form of what possessed The Dead Body to speak. Others may believe he sees just The Dead Body. And some may believe he sees something entirely different. It's up to you to decide.

Which isn't a very satisfying answer. Sorry  :'(

I am so happy to hear you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. Let me know how I can reciprocate in anyway.

Stay spooked!

Sean

Hey Sean, didn't you used to be a mortuary transport technician? I always wondered if that job would inspire some stories.

I liked this short. I'm creeped out by dead people too, so I could feel the suspense. Like Libby said, great idea with the casket being empty. That would be scary on film. My only complaint would be that I thought the corpse talking dragged on a little. Maybe trim that just a line or too.

Love the poster. I'll hit you up on FB for a poster for my Pet-Cam if you're interested.  8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hey Sean, didn't you used to be a mortuary transport technician? I always wondered if that job would inspire some stories.

You are correct! And it certainly did! It's what inspired me with this idea.

Quoted from Grandma Bear My only complaint would be that I thought the corpse talking dragged on a little. Maybe trim that just a line or too.

Totally. This was a gripe from the feature as well. Noted!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Love the poster. I'll hit you up on FB for a poster for my Pet-Cam if you're interested.  8)

Would love to! Let me know :)

Stay spooked!

Sean

A nice creepy tale.

I agree with much of what Libby said.

Particularly as it deals with the opening description. It's not the length - it's the missed opportunity to really sell a tone for the setting. We won't care if there are flowers (we probably already see that), or tissue or a coffee table. You want this tie a bit creepy.

Not exactly this - but by way of example:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

Dimmed lights glow off the wood of a closed cherry wood CASKET perched on an ornate platform at the front of the room.

Oddly, a PADLOCK hands from the casket's handle - securing it shut.

A portrait of the dearly departed is perched on a stand next to the casket. His eyes – joyless, as though he long knew his fate.

An eerie silence other than the ominous TICK, TICK, TICK of a clock. Then –

The SNORT of a snore.

It’s from LOUIE (70s), sound asleep on a sofa near the entrance of the viewing room.

=================================================
Not that exactly - the point being - the opening is your opportunity to sell the creepiness or uneasiness of the setting rather than just describing the physical things there.

Quoted Text Quoted from LC Not everyone is going to carry around a lock-picking kit in their pocket. I suppose you get away with this with this character purely based on the nasty piece of work he is. Yeah the lock pick kit is a stretch, but not impossible. I tried making Sam as close to a piece of work he is as I could, while still making him somewhat decent. As we end up finding out, however, he is not very decent. Not very much at all.

I agree with Libby here too - it took me out of the story for a moment because it seemed so inorganic - why not do something like:

- Curiosity getting the best of him he tugs at the lock just like you have it now.

- An - oh well - moment as he turns away from the casket only to then hear a --

- CLICK - to see that locked opened - WTF?

Anyway - minor stuff - I enjoyed this one

Quoted from eldave1 A nice creepy tale. I agree with much of what Libby said. Particularly as it deals with the opening description. It's not the length - it's the missed opportunity to really sell a tone for the setting. We won't care if there are flowers (we probably already see that), or tissue or a coffee table. You want this tie a bit creepy. Not exactly this - but by way of example: INT. FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT Dimmed lights glow off the wood of a closed cherry wood CASKET perched on an ornate platform at the front of the room. Oddly, a PADLOCK hands from the casket's handle - securing it shut. A portrait of the dearly departed is perched on a stand next to the casket. His eyes – joyless, as though he long knew his fate. An eerie silence other than the ominous TICK, TICK, TICK of a clock. Then – The SNORT of a snore. It’s from LOUIE (70s), sound asleep on a sofa near the entrance of the viewing room. ================================================= Not that exactly - the point being - the opening is your opportunity to sell the creepiness or uneasiness of the setting rather than just describing the physical things there.

This is so good, Dave! You should be my ghostwriter, heh. But I see where you're getting at. I could definitely give the descriptions a bit more "voice" for sure.

Quoted from eldave1 I agree with Libby here too - it took me out of the story for a moment because it seemed so inorganic - why not do something like: - Curiosity getting the best of him he tugs at the lock just like you have it now. - An - oh well - moment as he turns away from the casket only to then hear a -- - CLICK - to see that locked opened - WTF?

While I do absolutely love this idea, the lock is there for a reason to physically and spiritually keep whatever possesses The Dead Body within the casket. Therefore, I do not see it unlocking by itself. Libby does have a point, but helps solidify his actions by just describing him as a "nasty piece of work" especially with what we find out about him later on in the script.

Thanks for reading, Dave. Really greatly appreciate the comments and the suggestions. They were very helpful!!

Stay spooked!

Sean

My pleasure mate - hope you get this filmed

Hi Sean,

I've read this one a couple of times now. When you first posted it and again last night, and I think it reads even better on a second read. Which isn't to say it didn't read well first time around, but I picked up more of the little things on the second read. For example "The clock tick, Tick, TICKS" line of description was a great way to emphasise the increasing sound of the clock, but I didn't notice that so much on the first read.

Also, I thought the first page was a little text heavy initially, but on a second read I think it actually helps set a pace/feel (slowish) that you would expect in a setting like that, and contrasts nicely with the the pace which by the end, feels pretty intense.

My only suggestion would be that it might be worth hinting at the identity of the body. For example, what if he was a judge who was infamous for his strictness in dishing out the harshest sentences possible... and perhaps had a number of contracts out on his life? Would also tie in nicely with what happens to Sam at the end.

I can't imagine it'll be long before it gets picked up as it a cracking script!

Cheers,

Max