Quoted Text Do I have a clear want/need for the main character (Victor)? |
Quoted Text Any advice writing emotional scenes? I feel like what I have written has emotion but I don't know if it is bordering on melodrama? |
Quoted Text Do I have much subtext? How can I include more of it? |
Quoted Text I've heard of the saying 'start late and exit early' - have I applied that in what I have written - I ask because one critique I have had from fellow screenwriters is that the stories I often want to tell in short film format are too big and grandiose? |
Quoted from Matthew Taylor I believe so. He wants Mira alive (or, a copy at least) because he can't let go. What he needs in fact, is to let go though. Stella helped with that. Everybody started dropping to their knees sobbing while looking at pictures. So I don't think it is just bordering on melodrama, I think it's wrapped in a onesie, having a hot chocolate with marshmallows watching Gossip Girl. I'm no expert on emotions (in real life or writing) but seems to me you are not trusting the audience to pick up on their emotions, and so overdo it to really hammer home to us "Look they are sad!!" I don't think there is any subtext, it's all clearly spoken about what they want. Although I am known to completely miss subtext in films and scripts. Seems fine to me in this example. Overall I enjoyed the story but now I'm gonna list some criticisms. Please take with a pinch of salt and a splash of good intentions. Scene headings: You can include a second location within the main heading. For example, your opening heading is "CORRIDOR" - could be anywhere, hospital, university, house, office INT. DETACHED HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY later you use this... EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE... EXT means external so the "outside of" is redundant. Keep it consistent so in my example I would simply say EXT. DETACHED HOUSE again later you use... INT. IN FRONT OF FRONT BATHROOM DOOR - DAY This is a very specific spot in the scene, better to do that in the action blocks. As we are just moving around the house at this point, I would also have started to use Mini-slugs (so dropping the INT and DAY), so I would have it as... CORRIDOR Victor knocks on the bathroom door. Other points Descriptive words: Try and find some more evocative descriptors and verbs. at the moment they seem a little vanilla ... & - You don't use ... correctly. It is used for a trailing thought not micro-pauses in dialogue which you seem to have used it for. as for the - at the end of some of your dialogue, I don;t know what that is for. -- or less often - is used when dialogue is interrupted, but that's not always the case when you have used them Victor: Seemed far too aggressive and like he was going to hit Stella to be likeable, so the emotion didn't land. FLASHBACK - that you have in the script is not formatted correctly. But I also think it is completely pointless. It stalls the story, rather than driving it forward. We get that she died, the flashback is another example of hitting the audience over the head. You are trying to build a lot of emotion in a short script, you do not have much time to do it to give enough of a payoff at the end. Have you considered using a montage as your opening? showing them through life, how much they love each other, marriage/kids/kisses/dances blah blah blah... you could then include her getting ill towards the end of the montage, but stop short of showing us she died, then open in the house - now we think "oh she there, she survived" but sets up for the payoff of "no she is dead this is a clone" angle. I think I had more to say but I have forgotten. Best of luck |
Quoted from LC I mean this in the most productive way... Your story lacks punch and explicit relaying of plot which you need more of here. Everything is played down so that I really didn't get that one of your characters is a clone, until you spelled it out towards the end. Mira crawls across the bathroom floor and tries to claw her way to the sink but can't. What's going on here? What's the preoccupation with water? STELLA There's no more solution. So this solution is keeping Mira from shrivelling up and dying? They keep unsuccessfully trying to clone Mira? Victor is sat at Mira's bedside. Avoid using 'is sat' - this phrasing/vernacular is specific to some UK writers but is actually a blending of past and present tense. Sits by Mira's bedside is fine. ...I'm sorry for spitting on your memory That line (above) - the tone is wrong imho. So, they're lovers? I didn't get that. I thought at the top they were flatmates. My advice is tthat you establish the relationship from the start between Victor and Mira. Inject more drama, implement some suspense with a ticking clock/deadline so that your audience is unsure if she will live or die, and not just relaying that they've done this before and she'll inevitably die as she did all the times previously. Hope this helps. |
Quoted Text How can I do this? Is it a matter of using a thesaurus and I presume you are also referring to character description here as well? |
Quoted Text Regarding if I used the mini slug Corridor - would that not be breaking the script format as I wouldn't have started with INT? Also, would I not put that is the corridor upstairs or is that again being to specific? |
Quoted Text How can I show different characters getting cut off during an argument? As I thought using a hyphen would be the best way? |
Quoted Text MIRA I'm not some weak frail thing - I can fight - Victor laughs. |
Quoted Text STELLA She - I mean we - don't have enough time - days maybe even hours at most - VICTOR It's fine. I am with her every day - she has no idea - |
Quoted Text STELLA We can't keep doing this - VICTOR Nope , I am not doing this now. It is movie day and we have been planning this for weeks - |
Quoted from scrawlx101 Regarding the ticking clock , would it be as simple as Stella saying - 'she is going to die in the next hour?' or am I thinking about this wrong? |