Brown Bottle Flu by Brandi Self  - Short, Drama, Fantasy - A frustrated writer struggles to work as a dysfunctional drunk woman continuously interrupts. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Brandi,

I’ve read a couple of your scripts now and I really like your style. You have a very readable clean style. That said I think this one could do with being trimmed down a bit as it felt overly talky. Although breaking that up with a bit more action could help. For example when you had  Jupiter sit down to type only to be met with silence was a great touch. So perhaps more of that could help.

Also, at least for me anyways, I saw the twist coming from page 2 or 3, so it felt like a fair bit of story to come for what others might see coming too. And that’s in a script. I think if someone is watching it they’ll probably know straight away, which makes me wonder how well it’d work as a twist, if that makes sense? Although maybe that will come down to the actor.

Good luck with it though. I’ll keep an eye out for your next script.

Cheers

Max