Shy by Joe Cazalet-Smith - Short, Comedy - Two strangers, who are both unable to pee if someone else is in the room, find themselves trapped in a public Men's bathroom.  9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That was hilarious.  I loved it.

Reminds me of an old MAD TV or SNL Skit, something like that. Could have been a bit more creative with the title, e.g, 'The Lost Stream.'

Where it says they're tired, hungry etc, maybe one of them could reach for the urinal cake - The other one stops them saying, "Bad move, mate. I know it's got 'cake' in the title but just think again, yeah?."

One of them could try and reach the dryer to blow air into their face. Think of it almost like they're on a desert island if you know what i mean.

Not sure about the lengthy dialogue where they talk about the Fiance being 'the one'. Could just say...

                                                                  MICHAEL
                                              Um, yeah. A girlfriend. Fiance, actually. And no
                                              matter what happens here, i'm getting back to her.

But then again, they've been there twelve hours so they need to talk to pass the time! LOL.

They share an awkward handshake. Elbow to elbow maybe?

"Michael...i think we're going to die here." That's a good line. Made me chuckle.

Overall i liked it. Well done.






                                                      

Hey Joe,

That was great, well done!

It'd be a piece of piss cake to make, too! I can see this one getting picked up for sure.

Good job!

Max