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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  My Work In Progress  /  How can I make this story premise more engaging?
Posted by: scrawlx101, February 27th, 2023, 2:10am
So I have an idea for an animated series. In this world, crystals have an adverse effect on animals and the world's environment but have the power to grant enhanced abilities. Randall and his family are crystal harvesters in Sahar. The Sahar King decides to wipe out and take the crystals for himself in the hopes of arming his country against their powerful foes.

A few questions I had:
1) How can I make this story more interesting, particularly from the first episode? Someone referred me to the avatar series regarding character dynamics but would it not be possible to establish character dynamics in the first episode?
2) Regarding feedback, some people have said the journey to the city seems boring , how can I introduce these characters better and make the events more interesting?
3) I eventually plan for the main character to chase revenge rather than his mother's wishes - how can I convey this early on as one of my main themes. I also had the idea of Gloria needing to understand that her idea of sacrifice is not going to lead to peace/ which parallels the King's arc of being a people pleaser. Is it okay to have characters have different wants/needs or should they all be related to one theme?
4) Have I introduced too many characters in the pilot outline or is there no limit?
5) Lastly, I've been told that my script is too talky - how can I add more action to my outline?

This is what I had in mind for the first episode:

Act 1
Teaser:  Randall tying up Gloria’s hands and shoving her forward. (Final Image)
Randall, a farmhand.
-Not trusted by his mother to tackle a cheetah guarding a crystal.
- Impatient - jumps too early to attack the cheetah.
- Even not treated with the same respect as his family Lizard.
Inciting Incident: Randall is given his first job in the big city after his mother sees how annoyed he is.
Act 2
- Randall steals food from a vendor, Gloria pays for him and he gets annoyed but she follows him around - coaxing him to talk - he reveals his identity as a crystal farmer.
- The king and queen meet with Crow (A slimy advisor) who reveals that a neighbouring country plans to attack and that the people doubt the king and would rather want his father.
- Randall and Gloria observe a crooked crystal seller who reveals the price of crystals to a customer.
- The king contemplates invading the crystal grasslands despite knowing their sacred nature, the queen leaves after having her concerns ignored and decides to find her daughter.
- Randall seeing that the man is getting fleece interrupts citing the unfairness of it all
- Randall and Gloria run off
- Climax - The Queen arrives looking for Gloria, Randall flees.
- Randall returns home and is admonishes by his mother for staying out too long and is banned from visiting the city.
- King sends the general to go and deal with this, Gloria sneaks after them hoping to see Randall again.
Act 3
- Randall returns and is admonished by his mum
- The general and the soldiers arrive , Gloria is found out and left tied up.
- The general and the soldiers attack.
- Randall's mother fends off against the general and sends Randall to warn the other members of their tribe.
- Randall reluctantly agrees and sees his lizard with another soldier.
- He approaches a tearful Gloria who offers her apologies and then offers to be a prisoner of war which he accepts.
- The general leaves the farm with Randall's mother as prisoner.
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