End of the World by Zack Akers - Short, Drama, Comedy - Taking refuge in a bunker, a group of strangers attempt to cope with their impending doom. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I guess a dark comedy is still a comedy.  What gave me pause was the stark realism of the characters.  I liked the assortment from those who were scared, watching the time pass, those who were religious and those who were not.

Jim reminded me of the many people who I have known and known of who claimed that they had no regrets and didn’t care of consequences, only to have a change of heart when truly faced with the end.

I have known people who were deeply religious until a personal tragedy happened. I have known people who find some of the tenets of forgiveness a little out of their reach. I have known people who stayed calm through challenges with support from an inner wisdom.

I felt like I knew everybody in that bunker.  Nice job.

At the bottom of page 3, I think a line that was meant for Jim was spoken by Greg; unless there are two Gregs.

Hey, D.A. Thanks for giving this a look. Stoked that you felt a connection to the characters. I wrote this as a challenge for myself. Wanted to see if I could create interesting and diverse characters without relying on visuals. Your review tells me I'm on the right track.

Ugh, yeah, that's a typo on page 3. At least one goofy typo always seems to make it past me.

Appreciate the read.

Hi Zack,

It's a long time since I commented. Anyway, I read the script. This was a fun read, I'll say that for sure. At the end of the world, everyone's just speaking what's in their mind as if it'll matter in any shape or form. A fun mixture of characters to read about and to know about their final thoughts at the end of it all.

Good luck.

Hey Zack,

Pretty good little short here. The low rumble as the bunker shook really got me. For a moment, because of your dialogue, I almost forgot why they were down there, then it all comes back in full force — so great job there. However, I think you had five people down there? Maybe six? Don’t really know if you needed that many. The three that stuck out most was the Hitler dialogue and the brain tumor dialogue and do you believe in God — that’s what took my mind away. If you could have intertwined those three more, and given more of a Twelve Angry Men type of thing, this would have been really powerful.

As is, I think it’s already pretty jarring. Nice work!

Steve

Thanks for the reads! Happy both of you liked the characters.

Hey Zack,

Solid story here! Enjoyed the anger and resentment that breeds when things are seemingly coming to the end!

Got a gripe though --

Michael Myers shouldn't be referred to as 'The Shape"

Good work though :)

Thanks for reading, Colin. Happy you enjoyed it as well.

As for "The Shape"... ;D:P

Revised draft up. Fixed typo.

Hey Zack, nice to see your work maturing.  Not a single stabbing death to be seen, but instead, a sadly comic dissection of religion as a coping mechanism that may or may not hold up when truly faced with "The End."  I had two thoughts while reading.

The first is that Sara seems kind of lost here, a stock weepy female without much to do.  Consider hijacking one of your outspoken male characters, and give that dialogue to Sara instead.  One less character, and Sara becomes more compelling.

The other thought is that everyone down there pretty much concedes that sitting in this bunker of theirs is useless.  But nobody seems to acknowledge that point.  Consider playing out what would happen if one of your characters was, like, "Fuck it. I'm outta' here."  How would the remaining characters respond to that?

Either of those thoughts may or may not work for you, but figured I would toss them out since that's what came to mind.  Cheers on a piece where nobody murders anyone!

Thanks for reading, Bert. Appreciate the notes and suggestions. Agree that one of them should point out that the bunker is a useless deterrent. Good catch.

As for why Sara isn't as talkative as the others... This was a calculated decision on my part. My thinking is that she's a blabbermouth gossip queen in her everyday life, yet in her final moments, she has nothing to say other than she's not ready. Maybe I need to rethink her character...

Anyways, thanks for giving this a look. :)

Quick, interesting read Zack.  The premise is a little creepy to me, but I loved your take on it - the differing views of what's at "the end".  And then....you threw in a great bit of comic relief (on the purpose of religion):

                                                                 Greg
                                                  It helps people feel better.

                                                                 Frank
                                                   So does Asian porn.

I wasn't expecting that and it made me laugh out loud. Please take this as a huge compliment from someone who writes quite a bit of "faith-based" content. LOL.  Nice job, but just one thing I would have like to see: More story!  What happens next??  Thanks for sharing.  
                          

Hey Zack. Nice take on a premise. The "'could be with parents" line cracked me up. and Asian porn lol.

The last bit - I'm not ready talk- gave me chills.

I'm thinking the intro - her saying that the end of the world will come in 7 minutes could be redone. A bit on the nose for me. And it's the beginning you know - important sort of.

So, that's my take. Really nice work. You'd think a couple of talking heads and no action but you have a lot of texture in the dialog and created nice characters.

Thanks for reading, KC and Kham.

I'm really happy with the positive response of this script. Been sitting on this one for about a year now, unsure of how it would be received. Think I made the right decision in sharing it.

Thanks for the positive feedback, everyone! :)

Heya Zack!
Been meaning to comment.

Anyone who can write a line that makes me laugh out loud - well, that's a talent.
And you created a nice balance of tragedy and comedy through well defined characters in a short amount of time..

I might be indoctrinated from over the years reading twist/shock endings but I admit to feeling that I wanted everything to be turned on its head in your denouement.

That said, great job!

Thanks for checking this one out, Libby. Happy to hear that you enjoyed it for the most part, despite the lack of a twist. :)

New draft up. Thanks, Don.

Great little script, Zack!
Reads pretty much as I remembered it.
Curious what changes you made.

Thanks for giving it another read, Libby. Just cleaned everything up, added more prose, and tweaked some dialog. I think it makes for a tighter read. Happy you enjoyed it again! :)