Ted vs the '90's by Jason Benoit - Comedy - Tormented by a life-altering blunder, a disillusioned ex-jock uses his brother's Time Gate to return to high school in the year 1998 where he faces off with the selfish, egomaniacal dickhole version of his 18-year-old self in order to rectify his own life. 115 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jason,

I read ‘Ted vs the 90’s’ and I did so because I liked the catchy title and liked the concept within your longline. So for me, you were off to a good start.

First and foremost, I liked it. It’s a fun read. You have an energetic writing style, and I had no problems following Ted’s self-obsessed journey back to his prior years.

Also, I’m on board with the humour, plenty of laughs to be had. I think the highlight for me was the ‘peanut butter and jelly jam-off’ between the two Teds. That would really work for me on screen, I love that kind of shit. :)

So, love the title, was intrigued by the concept and enjoyed the read but of course, couldn’t leave without my subjective points on how you could perhaps improve your story. And this is only in my opinion --

So, whilst I enjoyed the humour and Ted’s continuous wisecracks, I do think some of the comic dialogue needs to be reined in. For me, some of the passages of dialogue could end a little sooner, sometimes you added that extra bit, which at times affected the impact of the comedy.

So for example, this —

Quoted Text TED (CONT'D) What kind of idiot schedules a science fair the same day as a state championship game? MARK School board actually tried to cancel the science fair but then I threatened legal action. (dripping with disgust) Can’t afford new lab equipment but somehow the football team gets new jerseys every year. TED Sounds like someone’s jealous the science fair dorks don’t get to wear sweet-ass uniforms.

I think, should just be this —

Quoted Text TED (CONT'D) What kind of idiot schedules a science fair the same day as a state championship game? MARK School board actually tried to cancel the science fair but then I threatened legal action.

It’s just sharper, and for me would be funnier. There were a few instances like this where I feel you got a little carried away - def worth checking the long passages and see what you can trim down. You might be able to replace some of it with just expressions and stuff.

The Back to the Future nods - I’m kinda on the fence with these. On one hand, I like them, being a fan myself but on the other, they might draw the audience’s mind too much onto Back to the Future when you want them solely invested in your story. But, it’s not really a big issue.

Ted’s arch - I think there’s a missed opportunity at the moment. Whilst he does change for the better as the story progresses I feel it should be really hammered home more. Even at the end of your story, he is still trying to fix his life for the better by winning the football game. I feel he should realise sooner that this trip is not about him, it’s about his family, his brother - particularly the incident that lands his brother in jail. I think there should be a penny-drop moment where Ted chooses to sod himself and save his bro. Realise that true happiness will only come when he puts others first. Give him that finale where the audience will grow to really like him. He can still keep the wisecracks lol.

Anyway, they are just my subjective thoughts - try and get some other opinions.

Overall, Enjoyed it, good work - good luck with it,

Colin

Jason,

Based on Colin’s accolades, checked out the first few pages while I had a moment. If the first three pages are any indication, this is going to be a good, fun read. Just hope you tone it down on the asides, tho, but hey if that’s your style it is what it is. Good work.

Steve

I've been AWOL for awhile around here, so trying to catch up with some reads.  I'm about halfway through your script Jason, but just wanted to say - I like it!  I get vibes of "Bill & Ted", "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and yes, "Thirteen Going On Thirty".  Love your premise and your characters - I can almost feel the teen swag dripping off "90s Ted".  You have to kind of feel sorry for him - knowing how it turned out (initially anyway).  Can't wait to see what the second half of the script has in store.  How many of us wouldn't love to go back and have the opportunity to fix that one big "mess up" that may have changed the direction of our lives?  Can't help but wonder if you may have felt this too and maybe turned it into this story?  Anyway, the only thing that doesn't resonate with me is the "teen grunge" language.  I'm sure I'm in the minority - seems like all modern comedy scripts are laden with it, but it just makes me cringe a little over here in my perfect little "Hallmark" world. LOL.  Good job and congrats on completing your script.  If I have more thoughts after I finish I'll be sure and post those as well.  Thanks for sharing!

Thank you for the reads - and thoughts. All good things to consider and tweak.

And to Kcranford, if I told you the originally premise that I began with, you'd probably be surprised that it ended up in this direction instead. Before that film INSTRUCTIONS NOT INCLUDED got made, I too had stumbled upon the viral craigslist post about someone looking for someone to go back in time with them, and from that there was this genesis of a guy that looked like the Ted in my script trying to go back into time. But it was way way different - both in world and scope and even type of movie. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to tell something that 1. I wanted to see and would enjoy but 2. also had some of that evoking of one of my favorite films (Back to the Future.) And then that led me down the path of -- what if you were kind of like Biff Tannen only when you went back in time, your main antagonist was your own asshole version of yourself. And then everything started coming together from there into what this story is now.

Hey Jason,

This is my very first comment here.

Nice job!  Quite the fun read.  I could see this being a really fun movie to watch.

That said, it seems like Sarah could use a little moment to shine, too.  Maybe right after Mark stands up to 90's Ted on page 104, Sarah proudly exclaims, "Get over it, Ted, Mark's my man now!" and proceeds to grab Mark and lay a big one on him.

Also, just a personal bit that seems funny and cheesy to me, but a post-credits scene with Barry using the gutted Time Gate as a grill or hot tub or something would yield one more final laugh.

Best of luck!

Thanks for a fun read. Somebody compared your script to Bill and Ted (and I suspect that is what you had in mind, naming MC Ted in addition to the obvious) but to me it feels more like Superbad the way it lets it all hang out. Your language is fresh and captivates and the events in the 90s are surprising and fun. At times, your script reads too much like a novel. You might want to give a potential director a little more space. And I didn't quite believe that Mark would accept the old Ted for his brother so soon. It won't take much, actually, just a few more lines of dialog to make Mark come around.
But I love the premise of Ted going back to change the turn of events, and instead, of course, the turn of events changes him. Well done. And you have left an opening for a follow-up. Nice work there.