What Meets the Eye by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - Sometimes, we're oblivious. For better or worse? We don't know. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Yuvraj, good to see you!

Jumping into this 1 pager...


SPOILERS follow -



EXT. REBECCA'S HOUSE

(You need a continuation of some action here. Never commence just with dialogue)

                PETE
Alright, Milo, you're getting too
loud now. Let's go inside.

Okay, I read it twice and sorry, I'm oblivious.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. :)

All I can make out is Rebecca did something that she is pleased or satisfied with and that something is in the trunk. Milo is witness and threatens her getting away with whatever she has done, and Pete is oblivious.

I think a one-pager needs payoff to be successful.

I just think you need more.
A bigger reveal, something that leaves me shocked or surprised instead of a 'huh?' moment.

Your characters are there, you had me intrigued, but the situation and payoff are too much of a mystery. If you leave it this way I think the secret is in amping up the fear factor and creating some suspense with Rebecca - instead of her grinding her teeth in anger.

Giving it more thought there's something nifty in keeping the contents of the trunk unknown but I still think more is needed.

Ummm…   Ditto?

Maybe I’m reaching but there is something here that is mildly profound in a tiny way. The title “What Meets the EYE” seems to characterize the essence of the story. It could also be titled, “What Doesn’t Meet the Eye.” We don’t see what the dog (Milo) sees, why he is barking and why he wags his tail. We assume that she grinds her teeth at the dog because that’s all we’re told it’s what she sees.  It’s possible she grinds her teeth at something else; possibly knowing that her neighbor Pete would be nearby. We don’t see what is in her trunk that makes her smile. We also don’t see a story.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t a story. There is a small assortment of questions without answers. I find myself trying to come up with explanations of my own.  The assumption is that something negative is taking place because it is full of mystery and intrigue, but it could be positive. She may have a surprise present in her trunk for Pete that the dog may give away.

I could see this being filmed and shown to creative writing students. With the right presenter, it could start discussion and debate. An assignment could be given to create a story from this; maybe a one-week challenge.

Then again, my neighbors could be pouring cannabis oil into my well.

My only suggestion not previously mentioned by LC above, is that I think in the line: “OS: A DOG barks.”, the dog would be lower case unless it’s a character being introduced, and barks would be upper case since it’s a sound that the characters hear. The line should read: “OS: A dog BARKS.”

I liked this.  It made me think. I may share it with friends to spark creative discussions.
If you develop it further, I will look forward to reading it.

Thanks, Libby and Banaszak for reading and commenting.

Quoted from LC I think a one-pager needs payoff to be successful.

I agree to some extent that this needs a payoff to give a wow factor and I can see most people not liking it for that reason. However, I guess that it's just me who likes things much more subtle and somewhat ominous (you might not find that term fitting for this story) that made me want to write it in this way. Also, I'm not defending myself. It's just the way I formed this story in my mind.

But hey, it's only one page. A very very quick read.  :)

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I could see this being filmed and shown to creative writing students. With the right presenter, it could start discussion and debate. An assignment could be given to create a story from this; maybe a one-week challenge.

Glad that you enjoyed this and provided such an amazing interpretation, Banaszak. Yeah, it could be something positive or something negative. But if you read my other works, you would know what to expect.

Thanks again.  

A 1 pager! I love those. Good to see you around, btw.  :)

My thoughts.

With only one page to tell a story things have to be written really really tight. You can’t waste any space. Sort of like owning a 1/4 acre of vacant land on Manhattan. You have to be super efficient and creative how you use your space. Imo, this story needs a little more to be successful. Why not start by reorganizing some of the writing. Instead of wasting two lines with Rebecca hopping in and out of her car and opening a garage door, why not just write,  A car pulls into the driveway as the garage door opens. Then we move to the inside of the garage. Followed by, REBECCA, 40s, turns off the engine. With immense satisfaction, she takes a deep breath.

A dog BARKS.

Alert or alarmed depends on whether you want this to be a drama or more of a thriller/mystery/suspense thing.

I also think you can skip the description of the dog having its paws perched on the fence. That would save you another line.

You can also skip, He approaches Milo who is still barking with his tail wagging. Just simply use, Confused (or curious or intrigued), he glances (btw, glances is a quick look. Perhaps gazes would work better here) at Rebecca’s house.

Now you have a few more lines to work your twist ending into something a little more effective. Here is where I think you need to make the decision of what genre you want this to be. It could be almost anything. Drama? Maybe she has kidnapped a crush? Horror? Maybe she’s a killer? A revenge thing? Comedy? Maybe she smuggled a Furrie into her house because she secretly is one herself? Thriller? Maybe she kidnapped someone for money? The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. Once you decide how you want to end it for best effect, then you can easily make minor tweaks earlier on in the script to support that reveal. :)

Quoted from Yuvraj Thanks, Libby and Banaszak for reading and commenting. Glad that you enjoyed this and provided such an amazing interpretation, Banaszak. Yeah, it could be something positive or something negative. But if you read my other works, you would know what to expect.

Well, I looked up and read your other work. I like your subtle style. I would sum it up as: You put the head in the guillotine, you lift the blade, we do the math.

I see what you mean about reading your other work and how I would come to a different conclusion. You are right. I almost feel like Pollyanna's patron saint.

Obviously, somebody or something, is not going to live to see page two.

I read this and then read the comments from others. I tend to agree that a lot is left to the reader’s imagination. One thought - if there is something sinister going on, I get the dog sensing it and barking but “wagging his tail” doesn’t go along with that. Maybe he barks nervously with “hackles raised”?  Maybe I missed the intent?  Also “a muffled voice” definitely infers that something human is in that trunk. Can’t think of how that could be a good thing. Anyway, good job of setting a tone and raising a lot of questions in one page!

Hey, Yuvraj. Gave this a quick read. Interesting idea, but you need to give us a little more information. What's in the trunk? A body? Roadkill? A sex doll? You don't have to give us a definitive answer, but you need to at least give us a hint as to what it could be.

Writing is solid for the most part. Only thing that stuck out was this --

OS: A DOG barks.

All wrong. Simply write that as --

A dog BARKS O.S.

Hope you've been well.

Thanks Pia, Zack, and Kathy for reading and commenting.