Still Life by John E. Staats (JEStaats) writing as My Name Here - Short, Fantasy, Superhero - Some super powers just prolong the inevitable. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ah that's a really good one.

Touchy and makes great sense. Nice play of a timeline and a great idea too.
Sorry, no other feedback from me. I have to learn to be at this level

Great take on the challenge and love the visuals with the reveal. It was obvious for the reader that Old Bert was Albert but you could've just left it at Old Man since his name is never spoken.

Where I'm torn is that there were many missing and extra words throughout. This must have been written in a hurry without proofing? Friendly tip: Have someone else read it for you to note the little slip ups. An easy edit/revision will do wonders for the flow.

Regardless, the entry met the OWC requirements and was quite clever. Good job, writer.

Hello.

This reminded me of something from Twilight Zone. I love the use of the VHS to tell Albert's story and his current condition. Great twist!

Okay, well it sure did take its time (Haha, pun there) getting to the punchline, but it was worth it.
A funny and sad, 'careful what you wish for' tale.

Well written

i enjoyed this one although maybe a little suspense on the old bert/albert would have helped.

A nice story of Father time :)

Good job on entering

A fair few typos that another read through would catch (unkept-unkempt, and old dirty bathrobe-an, etc).

Liked this, reminds me of an old Twilight Zone (or maybe Outer Limits) but with a nice dose of sardonic humour.

Good job!

A depressing but realistic tale of what might happen when we interrupt the time continuum.  A tale of human miscalculation - and yes, a contender as quite the Twilight Zone episode.  Like others, I liked the VHS serving as a memory bank of what "Old Bert" chose as his superpower and then his late in life sarcastic commentary on the events.  As above, there were some typos and inconsistencies here and there, but overall a thought provoking and formidable entry.  Thank you for sharing, writer!

I liked Bert's grumpy nature, particularly his "Seen it, hated it, seen it," line. You handled the challenge creatively.

Hi,

I liked the young Albert's choice that'd get people out of danger and also liked his bravery.  It seems the ending was a bit rushed and perhaps,  you wrote in a hurry to meet the deadline.

If I were you,  I would tell us more about the young Albert and add an obstacle for the old Albert to overcome as he used his superpower or before he used it.  To make the superpower more dramatic.

Michael

Hi Writer

This is a great tale, well written. Love the take you took on this.

Not much more to add really.

Good work

Now here's a script about everyone's fantasy -- if they could stop time. But they didn't think that stopping time would also stop everyone and everything. Even people you didn't know. As old Bert contemplates getting his father back-- but there's some issues here---it would help if this reveql was more fully developed. I'd have love to know what was behind the final "..ah fuck it!" at the power and the mistake he made with his choice of power. When he says "...Time's up.,." Does his power still work in reverse...can he undo time and just let it all happen...the meteor crash and burn, killing millions.
Not so much fun living amongst a power.
I agree with most of the comments. The story needs reworking for the simple reason its such a good story, Like the old TWILIGHT ZONE and the OUTER LIMITS. it plays with the same emotional turmoil that drove those episodes.
Good work writer. Hope to see more of your work in future OWC'S.

Years ago, I wrote a short story about a kid who had a hard time with sports. For some reason (I don't recall all the details) he was bestowed with the ability to slow time. At the batter box, he used to be struck out each time, but with this new power he could slow time, and hit the ball. In the end, his brain couldn't keep up and he became trapped in the moment, while the rest of the world carried on without him.

I got a D from the teacher. She didn't get it. It's been about 50 years, but, yeah, I'm not bitter.

Anyhoo, I love the premise. As stated by others, who wouldn't want such an opportunity?

I enjoyed the VHS reference as the world has moved on, no new technology will be invented. He's stuck to grow older and die while all around him are simply frozen in time.

Ahoy writer,

I won't try to offer any real analysis of these six pages. Enjoyed the read. Luv the title. Good job. Definitely a SS vet. Too bad we won't be voting. Best of Irish luck! :)-A

Ha! Loved it.

Didn't see that one coming.

Good job. One of the best.

Writer,

Nice job on this! Not a wasted page here, and a smart concise story. The only thing is… Why time? Why the ability to stop time? A good explanation for this would have out this one over the top for me. Good as is, but just sayin.

Steve

check out Matthew's review of John's Still Life - https://www.simplyscripts.com/2023/05/10/still-life-by-john-staats-short-script-review-available-for-production/

- Don

Great job, Matt!
Hope John's script gets picked up. :)