Savior by Kathy Cranford (kcranford) writing as Grace - Short, Drama - A gentle and innocent young man is burdened with the task of saving the world. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dang, that was deep.

Very well written but, I'll admit, I did start to skim a bit on the dialogue. I suppose the epilogue would be a SUPER after fade to black?

Good job, writer, and good luck.

Hello.

Wonderful dialogue, but there is no action, no real threat, and no real resolution. This sounds like a scene from a longer script. I would keep working on it.

Hello Grace,

I think before let us listen to two people talk without providing any visuals you need to engage us somewhat in their conversation by giving us some details or letting us into their worlds first. Either that or make their conversation quirky in some way.

It was also a bit of trippy read for me cause I couldn't understand their motivations. But I think they are there, it's just not clear. Maybe if I reread I'd see it.

So, I'm thinking a bit more clarity and it would be more.

Overall, it's an interesting script. Good luck to you, writer

Reads like a true Easter offering. The Superhero of them all.

This has its moments. I'm personally just not convinced (as written) that it's suited to film visuals.

This script focused on the conversation with a little action description so it was very hard to move the plot forward well because dialogue needs to be very good.  I suggest you add some actions to the script. The story was OK.

Michael

Grace, I realize that you linked the theme of this OWC to the celebration of Good Friday and Easter.  However, you had the assumption that everyone reading this has knowledge of Christian lore/writings - not always so.  I think it would be difficult for someone to follow the narrative and understand the inspiration if they didn't have an inside track to the characters and their motivation - especially with the lack of visuals as someone else mentioned, to illuminate the situation.  

In reading through, I did find a couple of format errors, but all in all, I get the drift - hard to think of a greater "super power" than what was featured here.

So the formatting is a little all over the place which is distracting but can be fixed... what about the story?

Hmm, so this is a talking heads with very little in the term of movement to break up the dialogue... spotted where it was going fairly early but I wonder if you couldn;t have had legion in the garden with him as a change to the 'normal' story.

Sentiments are good - as you'd expect and you can make a good case to say he was one of the first super-heroes (if that's your thing).

So a clever take, I just wanted a little more within the script than dialogue.

Ah, the Life of Brian (just kidding)

It's Easter, a little deep, and doesn't follow the parameters.

But well written, at least.

Hi Writer

you deffo need a slugline.

Given the time of year, it was clever to tie this story to the challenge.
It is definitely not for me but that is personal taste.

Visually I would have liked more.
As it stands I would imagine this follows the original story pretty closely? If so, missed chance to add your own stamp to it.

Best of luck

"....and on the third day he rose with all power in his hands..."  If you had a slug line like this, it would tip off all readers familiar with Christianity. Then you can have your dialogue exposed in any number of visuals--a garden. a cemetery; inside the tomb; outside the tomb; outside the cemetery; looking down from the heavens; Between one of the depressed disciples;  Between the one who betrayed Jesus and God....another disciple. The way you have written the talking heads lends itself to many opportunities for visuals.

I agree the dialogue needs to be trimmed early on. But that is easy to do. As it is with some of the minor formatting errors.
But overall, a very well written and meaningful tribute to Easter.
Glad you entered. Looking forward to your next entry.

So much to add when addressing religious issues.

Hi,

His good deeds were merely spoken of and not seen. I don't mind a heavy dialogue piece, but too much is said and again, not seen. And as others have said, didn't seem to meet the parameters of OWC.

I see the story and its potential but I wasn't fully engaged.

Good effort. All the best to you.

Nicely written, but a really difficult read. The dialogue was well paced but dry and high handed. I've had to go back to it multiple times to try to let it soak in.

That might mean it's a bit over my head, (though I am Christian), or just not something I'd be interested in seeing.

Hi Writer,

Thought provoking and deep read. I do love a story with JC involved, jus reminds me of what these seasonal celebrations are actually supposed to be about.

So, perhaps overly dialogue driven but a lot of it did resonate with me. Some really profound stuff in there. Good work.

When I had finished reading, couldn't help but think that this piece would make a good prelude to Frankie Goes to Hollywoods 'The Power of Love'.

Well done, good luck.

Ahoy writer,

We're definitely not going to get around to all of these - but I got to yours. Ah, what a noble sentiment. Luv the idea of this and while I do enjoy much of the dialogue - I more or less share the same sentiments as some others, it could do with a haircut. :) Still up in the air as to the epilogue but overall like it for what it was. Best of Irish luck!-A

The dialogue was an interesting way to approach this challenge. I appreciate that you did your own thing. Lots of opportunities to expand this going forward.

There’s really no narrative drive here the story goes nowhere and it’s just people talking.

Quoted from Kb679 There’s really no narrative drive here the story goes nowhere and it’s just people talking.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=News,m=1080786748

Please be constructive with your comments.
Read the guidelines.
No spamming, no trolling.
So far, I'm not seeing much of anything else.

This is a great place to learn, give constructive feedback, get your scripts produced, get exposure etc.

You have been given fair warning.

I was quite moved by this. The dialog captured the essence of the old Biblical classics like Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments and “The King of Kings”. The lines seemed rather demanding and would require classical Shakespearean training to do the piece justice.

While the message of the work was delivered in a way that was subtle and required understanding of Christianity, the message in the story was quite powerful. I now know what a bowling pin feels like. If I become a minister, I will steal your script to use as a sermon. You can sue me later.

Thank you so much for the read, D. A.  I will offer that I don't feel like this is my best work.  I had decided when the OWC Challenge was put up that I definitely had nothing to offer.  I'm the "Hallmark, happy ending" girl and felt I had no hope of writing about super powers and super heroes saving the world.  But it was nearing Easter and something whispered, "Hey...wait a minute" and that little idea was hatched.  I literally sat down and wrote it in less than two hours, but I've found that I cannot resist these OWC challenges.  As I've said before, apparently the only thing that will prod me to sit down and diligently formulate a story is a theme and a deadline - LOL.  I'm still not sure about that bit of my psychological makeup, but it is what it is.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words - I don't give sermons (my husband may disagree), but you may use this one any time you feel like getting up in the pulpit.     My superhero promises not to sue.

Kathy