Mr. Monkey by Amy Kuang - Short, Horror - A man believes he's being haunted by his daughter's stuffed animal. 6 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Loved it pretty much all the way through (Characterization was great, especially the Dad)

Wasn't a fan of the ending though, seemed a bit abrupt. Why did the wife have a dozen stuffed monkeys?

Anyway, great work

I liked this story. I didn’t fully understand the father’s actions but I wonder if I am supposed to. I don’t know how I would react if put in his shoes. I also didn’t understand the ending. It seemed to lack context or meaning but then again, it’s possible that I missed or misunderstood something.

On page 5, the fifth text block down, it reads, “We notice that Julie bears a striking resemblance to her mother --”. I think you meant that Tasha bears a striking resemblance to her mother.

I do have a suggestion regarding your use of “We see…” It’s a controversy that is passionately debated on writing message boards. I happen to be on the side of “don’t use we see”.  I’m not saying that what you did is wrong. I’m just offering my opinion so that you can add it to your own. Let me explain.

First, we the audience already see everything . We don’t need to be told. Also, it’s unnecessary in my opinion. I offer the following example:

Dave looks out the window. We see the bad guy walk past the door. Dave doesn’t notice.
Dave looks out the window. The bad guy walks past the door. Dave doesn’t notice.

You’ll notice that the sentences read the same. The point I am trying to make is a writer should describe to us what we see without using “we see”.

This is not the same as using a camera direction to create a reveal like at the end of your story. Camera direction should be avoided (which you do) except in certain circumstances to create an effect like a reveal (which you also do.)

I suggest you do a search and read up on camera direction. The reveal on page 6 could be written to seem more instructional rather than descriptive and therefore, appear more professional.
Just my humble opinion.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I liked this story. I didn’t fully understand the father’s actions but I wonder if I am supposed to. I don’t know how I would react if put in his shoes. I also didn’t understand the ending. It seemed to lack context or meaning but then again, it’s possible that I missed or misunderstood something. On page 5, the fifth text block down, it reads, “We notice that Julie bears a striking resemblance to her mother --”. I think you meant that Tasha bears a striking resemblance to her mother. I do have a suggestion regarding your use of “We see…” It’s a controversy that is passionately debated on writing message boards. I happen to be on the side of “don’t use we see”.  I’m not saying that what you did is wrong. I’m just offering my opinion so that you can add it to your own. Let me explain. First, we the audience already see everything . We don’t need to be told. Also, it’s unnecessary in my opinion. I offer the following example: Dave looks out the window. We see the bad guy walk past the door. Dave doesn’t notice. Dave looks out the window. The bad guy walks past the door. Dave doesn’t notice. You’ll notice that the sentences read the same. The point I am trying to make is a writer should describe to us what we see without using “we see”. This is not the same as using a camera direction to create a reveal like at the end of your story. Camera direction should be avoided (which you do) except in certain circumstances to create an effect like a reveal (which you also do.) I suggest you do a search and read up on camera direction. The reveal on page 6 could be written to seem more instructional rather than descriptive and therefore, appear more professional. Just my humble opinion.

D.A. , I haven’t yet read this script (apologies to the writer) but I’ve been meaning to comment on your reviews - I actually enjoy your tidbits of wisdom as much as the scripts themselves. I don’t know your background but you seem very well-versed in scriptwriting technique. I just wanted to thank you for the incredible insights you give writers on this site.  I hope everyone - especially the newbies, realize the value they are receiving gratis from you. Anyway, just wanted to offer thanks. I learn so much from everyone here and IMO you are a valuable asset to these forums.

Best,

Kathy.

Thank you for your comment. It’s probably the nicest thing anybody has said to me in a long time. Really. Thank you.

At the moment I don’t consider myself to be a good script writer. I am still learning. I may post something soon.
I became fascinated with scripts when I found out that reading one is not so easy. Before anything makes sense, one needs to learn what a slug line is.

From there I learned that writing a script is not like writing a novel. There are things like the standard format, avoiding passive verbs as well as the verb “to be”, all while keeping an eye on what I call a “page budget”. As an analogy, I would say that script writing is to story telling the way Haiku is to poetry.

I recommend as the best tool for learning this craft is to read as many scripts and comments on this site as possible. It’s how I learned.

I consider myself to be a student at the Simply Scripts Online Academy of Literary Arts for Stage and Screen.

If I summon the courage to post a script of my own, and on the outside chance it’s any good, everybody here can pat themselves on the back. To the professors whose scripts and comments I have learned from, I thank you.

P.S. – Kathy, while I have your attention, I would like to say that I read your OWC submission “Savior”. I didn’t post any comments since you already had so many. However, I just added my thoughts.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak Thank you for your comment. It’s probably the nicest thing anybody has said to me in a long time. Really. Thank you. At the moment I don’t consider myself to be a good script writer. I am still learning. I may post something soon. I became fascinated with scripts when I found out that reading one is not so easy. Before anything makes sense, one needs to learn what a slug line is. From there I learned that writing a script is not like writing a novel. There are things like the standard format, avoiding passive verbs as well as the verb “to be”, all while keeping an eye on what I call a “page budget”. As an analogy, I would say that script writing is to story telling the way Haiku is to poetry. I recommend as the best tool for learning this craft is to read as many scripts and comments on this site as possible. It’s how I learned. I consider myself to be a student at the Simply Scripts Online Academy of Literary Arts for Stage and Screen. If I summon the courage to post a script of my own, and on the outside chance it’s any good, everybody here can pat themselves on the back. To the professors whose scripts and comments I have learned from, I thank you. P.S. – Kathy, while I have your attention, I would like to say that I read your OWC submission “Savior”. I didn’t post any comments since you already had so many. However, I just added my thoughts.

Yes!  I'm a student of the Simply Scripts Academy too.  Fabulous place for learning...and then sharing what you've learned.  I do hope you decide to post one of your scripts, although, fair warning, it's kind of like having your appendix removed...without anesthesia LOL.  Most everyone here is fair though offering only constructive criticisms and that is how we learn and improve.  I'll be looking forward to reading your script, so hop to it!

And now, more importantly!  Amy, I apologize for hijacking the thread for your script.  That was  not my original intent.  I did finally get to give it a read. Very nice.  I love the tone you set with the Dad and his regret, I did get a little confused at first as to whether this was a baby or a teen, but you eventually straightened that out.  The ending was unexpected and I really liked the "revenge" type twist, but I did wonder at the end about that phone call the Mom received.  I got a little lost about who/what that was about - maybe I missed something?  Anyway, nice job. I enjoyed your script and thanks so much for sharing with us.  Good luck with this!

Kathy

Well written and I enjoyed the mood and atmosphere. The opening I thought worked particularly well.
I have to confess though I’m not exactly sure what was going on. There’s a “vague figure” he doesn’t notice, so this must be some violent intruder unless it’s the monkey toy. The pitter patter of feet suggests it might be the latter. The ending however, with the many monkey toys in the car suggests the wife has been scattering them over the house. Is it meant to be left ambiguous? Also, we never knew what he sees.
I really enjoyed this one but it was a little too vague and ambiguous for my liking.