New Arrival by Lono - Short, Horror, Fantasy - After a terrible tragedy, a young father finds solace in a support group, but not all is what it seems. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Lono

Really enjoyed the read.

Not sure why it is listed as horror though.

It did get a bit ominous going into the middle, but it soon dissipates when realization hits what is actually happening to Bobby. If you want it to be more horror/thriller I would ramp up the ominous element (Pretty much as soon as Sandy starts talking, I realize he is safe and the tension drops)
The ending is actually quite nice, strangers taking him under their wing to comfort him. The image of Dwayne holding his hand was actually a bit moving.

I would like to see an expanded version, with more emphasis on this menagerie of eclectic characters, ramped up tension and an almost melodramatic ending with the funeral (He might be handling it a bit too well at the moment)

Nice work

I reiterate what Matt said - this is really great, Lono!
A really touching story with a gut punch reveal that caught me completely unawares.

A couple of punctuation omissions that didn't affect the read.
And, I'd personally add: cheer-leader outfit, and 'gangster type' - maybe add a little to the descriptions there.

This is going to stay with me though, so really nice job.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Hi Lono Really enjoyed the read. Not sure why it is listed as horror though. It did get a bit ominous going into the middle, but it soon dissipates when realization hits what is actually happening to Bobby. If you want it to be more horror/thriller I would ramp up the ominous element (Pretty much as soon as Sandy starts talking, I realize he is safe and the tension drops) The ending is actually quite nice, strangers taking him under their wing to comfort him. The image of Dwayne holding his hand was actually a bit moving. I would like to see an expanded version, with more emphasis on this menagerie of eclectic characters, ramped up tension and an almost melodramatic ending with the funeral (He might be handling it a bit too well at the moment) Nice work

Thanks for the read Matthew!

I'm planning on expanding this as is it's something that I just can't really shake off. You are right about the Genre thing though. I try to stick to a genre but I find if I'm writing with it as rule and law I feel like I'm handcuffed creatively, does this make sense? I really love Niel Gaimen and this is inspired by his kind of mixing of genres. What would this be you think? I thought Horror because of the supernatural aspect, and Fantasy for the possible world building.  At the end of the day, maybe it's a drama? I'm really happy the pieces work for the most part :)

Thanks for looking it over! The folks on reddit really didn't care much for this but yeah, i guess that's reddit for you lol.

Cheers!

Quoted from LC I reiterate what Matt said - this is really great, Lono! A really touching story with a gut punch reveal that caught me completely unawares. A couple of punctuation omissions that didn't affect the read. And, I'd personally add: cheer-leader outfit, and 'gangster type' - maybe add a little to the descriptions there. This is going to stay with me though, so really nice job.

Thanks for the read LC!

It can use some tightening up for sure. Good suggestions on the fixes, easy enough to fix. I'm really happy you enjoyed it!

Wasn't sure where this one was going - then you crafted quite the surprise. Didn't see it coming.
Perhaps I should've, but didn't.

Clever stuff, enjoyed it.

PMd you Lono.
I hope you get back to me. :)

Hi Lono,

I actually have read this twice.  I didn't have time to comment the first time, so I re-read it just now.  Just as good the second time around.  Unlike others have said, I sensed pretty early on what the "deal" was.  Very clever and creative portraying the scene as a "support group".  The only thing that left me wondering was...is this the "good" place or the "bad" place?  Or is that the next thing to be determined?  Your writing is sharp and the characters well layed out.  A very enjoyable read.  It would be cool if someone would pick this up for production.  Very good effort -  thanks for sharing with us here.

Kathy

What's up, Lono. Gave this a peek. Here are my unprofessional thoughts...

A question in prose? Meh, why not.

The "there, there, kid." bit of prose does not work for me. It's clunky and takes me out of the read.

A few typos and odd capitalizations throughout, but nothing too egregious.

Story is fairly predictable, but you've got some really strong dialog. Has a good, natural flow to it. Well, as natural as a conversation like this could be. Lol. Point is, the dialog carries this.

Besides those early oddities, the prose is easy to read and visualize. Good work.

Sad but hopeful ending. This is a simple story told very well. Looking forward to seeing what else you've got.

Oh yeah... This is not horror, IMO.

Hey Lono, gave this a read.

Honestly, even though I wasn't sure where this was heading and didn't know how it'll end, I wasn't moved by the surprise ending. Not saying that this is bad or anything, it just didn't enthralled me. However, the writing is nice and the dialogs were good. Overall, a nice story but, just not for me.

Good luck.

Well I don't have much more to add that hasn't already been said.

It was well written, an easy read, a bit predictable other than were they in Heaven, Hell, or limbo.

I would have liked something a bit deeper, though.

Maybe Bobby needed to give his son something or needed to tell his wife he loved her one more time.
If there was something left unfinished then it would resonate with more readers and spur them to not be like Bobby...

Don't make the same mistake he made.