Rapper -  The Evolution by Countrified Wedman - Series, Drama - A multi-Grammy award-winning rapper, Spitta, is now on top of the rap game.  He feels his skills are impeccably fueled by the support of millions of fans and followers.  Having true superstar status, he could have any girl he desires.  He met a very beautiful girl named Shaniya who captures his heart.  Shaniya is the product of another rapper, her father, Quinton Jones, the detective.  Detective Quinton Jones was an independent rapper with amazing skills in writing thought-provoking songs with strategic lyrics before entering a Code Blue workforce. 34 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Wedman! Do you have an account on the boards so I know you can read this?

Really immediately off the bat, a couple of things that are very noticeable (outside formatting issues that would almost entirety be resolved with free screenwriting software, I think this was written in a word processor?) -

Your very opening lines of description and intro lack clarity  -you specify that J Nice is performing but follow it with the capitulation "or any other famous rapper". I dunno, I think you either need to commit to a fictional rapper or the real guy, at least when it's your very opening scene. It's just awkward.

Just more awkward things like that: it's not universal anymore, but you should be capitalising a character's name the first time you introduce them, at least just so the readers know "this is a new character to pay attention to". You should be spelling out number ('twenty million' instead of '20 million') etc.

Your dialogue is better than your action descriptions. Strange spelling errors that I can't figure out - "necked" for "naked" etc, plus some really passive and rapid scene descriptions are bothersome.

As an example - in slugline 03 at the detective's house, you introduce a whole scene plus character intros and actions like this -

Quoted Text "Mrs. Jones, (Very pretty, light-skinned, African American lady) has on a housecoat, and her hair is wrapped up, has cooked breakfast and is pouring coffee as Detective Jones comes into the kitchen, kisses her, and sits down at the table"

While the efficiency is admirable, you could break this up more naturally by introducing Mrs Jones first, followed  by her corresponding action (pouring coffee/making breakfast). Start a new sentence with Jones coming inside and kissing her hello. I can't see a reason for you describing her hair being wrapped or her costume at all.

I didn't read much beyond this so I can't talk in depth about your pacing, premise as a pilot etc. Again, there's certainly things here that are passably well done and I think the dialogue is OK, but there's "amateurish" aspects to most other things that will mean some people will take it less seriously. The good thing is they're all easy things to fix, and once you've done that you can get really indepth feedback on how effective your concept is as a whole, your plotting and structure etc.