Dracul-Stein by Apologies in Advance - A bitter writer takes revenge on a man who he believes stole his creation.  Short, Horror, Comedy

pile of deserted pizza boxes that engulf
Discarded or trashed or empty would make more sense.

An equally worn toothbrush enters the spill.
Enters the spill?

Mikey pulls out a plastic bag from his jacket
Pulls a plastic bag from his jacket.

Mikey emerges through the bathroom...
From the bathroom
However technically we're in the Living Room.

A little hatchback car...
Hatchbacks are by nature small cars.

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
Not Continuous.

Shivers then tightens a silencer to his HK45 pistol and then
clambers, very awkwardly, out of the car door.
Delete one of your 'then' words.

returns a nod back,
I think your comma placement did you in here.

then begins to clamber forward...but stops, turns to Mikey.
clambers forward, hesitates... turns to Mikey
clambers forward, then stops. He turns to Mikey...

And on Shivers clambers - head of Dracula -- body of
Frankenstein...
Needs rewording.

The tranquil silence... is soon disturbed by those clomping
footsteps.
No need for the ellipses imho. Take out 'those'. Take out 'soon'.

Billy soon latches on to the sound, slowly raises himself up,
looks in the direction
Billy latches onto the sound, raises himself, looks in the direction of...

I hope you don't mind me pointing some things out in your description lines. You tend to use extra words when they're not needed.

Regarding Story, I was entertained for sure.

Regarding the parameters, the dream is a recounting of events actually seen, not a fever dream as such. That said this was a tough challenge.

Your characters are funny, the scenario (and opportunity for physical comedy) is also amusing.

Your dialogue overall was authentic and well done.
I do suggest you hone up on your descriptions.

Thanks for taking part.
Like I said, I enjoyed this a lot!

This was a nice comedy. I found myself feeling sorry for Shivers and the situation he was in.

The costume was every bit as ridiculous as you intended it to be. This may be my next Halloween costume.

Oh boy.  I liked this one.  It's perfect and meets all the criteria.  How could a plan go more horribly wrong?  Poor Shivers.  Then the biting comments of the police in the interrogation room are the awesome salt in the wound!  Loved it, loved it, loved it.

Ahoy Apologies In Advance -- no need for apologies. ;D I luv the premise, and the characters you have created. I would have definitely kept reading if it had been longer. My only real nitpick is to make the dream more feverish. That aside, I enjoyed it very much. Good job. :)_ghostie gal

Agree with Ghostie Gal above - definitely no need for "Apologies in Advance".  To me, this was side-splitting funny and I guess the "Achoo" gets you across the mark for the "fever dream" requirement.  I spent the first half of the story trying to picture what a "Dracul-Stein" would look like and the second half actually feeling sorry for the mess he found himself in.  And for the finale - the two detectives, not so much concerned about attempted murder, but incredulous as to how anyone would want to claim credit for that bomb of a movie.  Their remarks harkened back to a review of one of my scripts here by Nomad once - I feel the pain LOL.  

Very good job with this - enjoyable read and hit all the requirements. Thanks for sharing!

Some awkward phrasing here and there, but a re-write after the OWC will fix them.

If I'm being picky - outrageous, lol comedy wasn't one of the allowed genres ;-)

But I laughed the hell out of this, good job!

After reading this script, I felt it had a crazy style. Everything looked crazy and the story was funny.

Billy won an Oscar for best screenplay and Mikey blamed him for stealing his work so he hired Shivers to take care of him.

There was no direct conflict between Billy and Mikey because the story focused on Shivers. Add some direct conflicts between Billy and Mikey could increase dramatic elements.

Michael

Premise:  A+
Execution:  B-

I like the idea of a hitman dressing up as this creature and bumbling his way though an unsuccessful hit, but some of the phrasing left me confused and let some steam out of the humor balloon.

I kind of wanted to see Billy walk over and pick up the gun, aim it at Shivers floating helplessly in the pool, and say to the 911 operator "Help... uh... he's attacking me... um... I must defend myself."
Only to have Shivers be dumbfounded as to how he got in this situation and how this is how his life ends.

I feel like there was some humor left on the table, but overall this was a solid effort.

And Kathy... I thought the detectives were spot on with their critique.  ;)

A comedy that made me laugh. Awesome.

Seriously, more than one laugh out loud moment here. Loved Shivers.

Nothing to add, because I'm too busy laughing.

Only...LC is a note-giving God.

[quote=PKCardinal
Only...LC is a note-giving God.[/quote]

You got that right!

Didn't have anything to add beyond what everyone said here, in terms of the effectiveness and writing here.

I did feel like the final moments were a little rushed, and I at first thought maybe it was because you were bumping up against the 10 page limit - but then I saw you had a whole 10th page you could have used. A little more space around these moments would make them extremely effective.

Yeah, this was a nut bag of a story and a nice read. My favorite
scene was when Shivers fell into the pool Mikey could have told
the 911 dispatcher that the intruder was doing the backstroke
(old school goofiness).
I enjoyed the two detectives ragging on the crappy screenplay.
What would have been funny is if one of the detective's tells Mikey
that Billy fished Shivers out of the pool and is being hailed as a
hero.
Anyway, lots of cleaning up needed and I think Mikey wanted to
be Micky on about three occasions. So, correct that.

All in all, a monster of a good story here.

Hi writer

This is a funny story, and easy to film as well.

You are clearly an accomplished writer but feels very much like this one was rushed, so a good cleanup is needed.

Other than that, lovely work.

A tad belated, I know (been under the weather), but thank you all for the encouraging and insightful comments.

Have made the amendments as per LC's helpful spots. Have also improved a few bits here and there in the script re the comments, so many thanks.

I wrote Dracul-stein quicker than I had written previous entries, firstly, because I was running out of time, but more importantly, to see if I could. The result was a little rough in some of the writing but, overall, was received quite well - so very pleased, must be improving as a writer :)