The Nightly Trash Pickup by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - A new kid in town becomes curious about his strange neighbor after noticing that his trash service only comes at night. 7 pages - pdf format


Writer interested in feedback on this work

You already know my detailed thoughts on this one, dude. Awesome script. Very fun read. Think people are gonna dig it. Wouldn't be surprised to see it get picked up quickly. :)

Very nice, Sean. I always enjoy your Horrors.

The set up is cool, the suspense is built nicely...

I must admit I did want just a little more Horror.

Perhaps Henry creeps into the house, discovers something he shouldn't. Creep catches him but lets him go, tying in with your ending. Maybe too predictable...

Wondering about that note too.
An empty bin means that note would be difficult to get too, if it's anything like our wheelie-bins. Maybe if it's taped to the lid?

Don, thanks for getting this up!

Zack, as always thanks for reading!

Libby,

Yes this was a slow-burn from start to end with not much happening in between or anything really that scary. I didn't know what else to categorize it as besides horror (instead of just leaving it as a 'short').

I do enjoy the idea of him going into the house. There was an idea that he did, and he stumbled upon a cult group. But I decided not to go in that direction. There were a lot of ideas that went through my head before I stuck with this one.

As far as the empty bin goes, and him getting into it, definitely thought of that, as the rollie-bins here are also super deep to be able to reach to the bottom at. So, will re-think it, and maybe have it taped to the lid or something simpler!

Thanks for reading, LC!

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Not sure why the link isn't working, even when I copy and paste the share link into my browser.

If anyone is having trouble viewing the script, let me know.

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Working fine here.
Try clearing your cache, Sean.

Super love the poster!!!

I enjoyed the script, but the whole time after the garbage truck showed up the first time, I kept wondering why no one else in the neighborhood didn't notice the truck coming every night. The garbage trucks that come to my neighborhood are big and loud.

Like Libby, I would suggest having a little more horror in it and less chatting even though the dialogue was good. I think something simple as setting a more horror atmosphere would improve the script a lot. Right now we're mostly just told about the horror by Beth and that's not really scary. Especially as they talk in the daytime. Maybe changing it so it's dark would help a bit. Instead of walking home from school, maybe they have been to some after school/evening activity instead?

Either way, good job.

PS: Man, I LOVE your posters!  8)

Quoted from LC Working fine here. Try clearing your cache, Sean.

That worked, Lib. Thanks!

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Quoted from Grandma Bear Super love the poster!!! I enjoyed the script, but the whole time after the garbage truck showed up the first time, I kept wondering why no one else in the neighborhood didn't notice the truck coming every night. The garbage trucks that come to my neighborhood are big and loud. Like Libby, I would suggest having a little more horror in it and less chatting even though the dialogue was good. I think something simple as setting a more horror atmosphere would improve the script a lot. Right now we're mostly just told about the horror by Beth and that's not really scary. Especially as they talk in the daytime. Maybe changing it so it's dark would help a bit. Instead of walking home from school, maybe they have been to some after school/evening activity instead? Either way, good job. PS: Man, I LOVE your posters!  8)

Hey Pia :)

Thanks for the comments about the poster! It's super minimal but I like how it turned out!

Thanks for reading, too! I enjoy the suggestion of maybe having them walk home closer into the evening, or at night even, after a school event of some type. Just to give that horror an extra oomph. Definitely needs a little more creepiness to it, but I wanted to keep it as short as I could. So that suggestion would definitely help. Thanks!

As far as the garbage truck arriving late at night and not waking anyone else up, that is also something I thought of but just kinda glossed off. Maybe since this is a 'sinister' garbage truck, it could be oddly quiet for the type of vehicle it is? And only the rolling sound of the trash can will wake Henry up. What do you think?

Thanks again!

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Awesome poster - less is more they say.

Love the story!

Second Pia's suggestion of them walking home at a creepier time of day.
And your suggestion above about it being quiet. I think having a silent garbage truck creeping along the road would be quite creepy! (especially at the end when he is reading the note - doesn't notice the silent truck glide up behind him)

It does seem a bit talky between the pair. Maybe a bit more showing instead of telling - like the first time she comes is to come over to study, when she sees where he lives, she is scared, quickly makes her excuses and leaves - paying attention to the fact it's the house across the street she is scared of. (don't think we need all the bits about the warning not to tell others where he lives, it doesn't lead to anything)

Then the second time they walking back and talking, it can be a bit talky as he asks about the trash can and she explains why she ran away last time.

I also don't recall any description of the creep house.

Anyway, great premise.

Matt

Answering your last question in response to Pia:

Or maybe everyone in the street is so scared of Creep they never dare say anything about the noise of the garbage truck. Or  like you alluded to, it could be some supernatural thing so nobody hears it, but Henry who wakes for some reason...

Love the poster too!
Meant to say that last time.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Awesome poster - less is more they say. Love the story! Second Pia's suggestion of them walking home at a creepier time of day. And your suggestion above about it being quiet. I think having a silent garbage truck creeping along the road would be quite creepy! (especially at the end when he is reading the note - doesn't notice the silent truck glide up behind him) It does seem a bit talky between the pair. Maybe a bit more showing instead of telling - like the first time she comes is to come over to study, when she sees where he lives, she is scared, quickly makes her excuses and leaves - paying attention to the fact it's the house across the street she is scared of. (don't think we need all the bits about the warning not to tell others where he lives, it doesn't lead to anything) Then the second time they walking back and talking, it can be a bit talky as he asks about the trash can and she explains why she ran away last time. I also don't recall any description of the creep house. Anyway, great premise. Matt

Hey Matt!

Thanks for the kind words and the suggestions as well! I think I'll roll with the silent garbage truck, or even go with Libby's suggestion.

I also like your suggestion to make it less talky and a little more spooky. I like the idea of Beth running away when she was supposed to stay to study. Then the next time she can explain just a touch more. Great suggestion.

Zack was also concerned about the description of the 'Creep's' house. I didn't put it in there because I didn't imagine him living in a creepy house or anything of the sort. Just a normal house like all the others. I felt that would be an interesting juxtaposition, as it could be a normal-looking house with not-so-normal happenings going on inside of it. But lemme look into describing the 'Creep's' house to make it a bit more creepy.

Quoted from LC Answering your last question in response to Pia: Or maybe everyone in the street is so scared of Creep they never dare say anything about the noise of the garbage truck. Or  like you alluded to, it could be some supernatural thing so nobody hears it, but Henry who wakes for some reason... Love the poster too! Meant to say that last time.

This is a great idea too!!! It also adds more mystery! I was told that this would be a great opening to a feature goosebumps-y type script, so I'm definitely thinking about that. If so, the entire neighborhood can play a part in the feature script, hmmm...

Thanks! Glad you like the poster too!

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Okie dokie, since I'm sick and have the day off, I updated the script and added the suggestions you all graciously provided. It definitely reads better, so thank you all so kindly for reading and offering advice on how to clean it up and make the story better! Appreciated greatly.

To anyone else who reads the updated draft, enjoy!

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Read the new draft. No real notes. Just that the dialog flows much better, and the read as a whole is just stronger now. Love the way you write, dude.  :)

I really like this one, Sean.  No nits at all - really nice flow, no superfluous blood and gore but a very spot-on, spooky ending.  Great job!  Wishing you much luck with this one.  Oh, and as others have mentioned - love that poster!  Very cool!

Hey K!

Thanks for reading! Glad you enjoyed it and don't really have any qualms about it. I figured you'd like this one since it's on the tamer side compared to my other work.

Glad you like the poster, too! :)

Stay Spooked!

Sean

Hiya Sean,

I've gone over "The Nightly Trash Pickup" several times and even gave it a
couple of nights to marinade. I come to this conclusion: Not bad... and considering
"you," one of the horror maestros on the site, wrote it,  it's kind of disappointing.
Your reputation precedes you and sets a rather high bar. I don't think
you've reached that standard.

CONCEPT: A
POSTER:   A
STORY:     B
CHARACTER
    DEVELPMENT:  C-
EXECUTION:  C-
FINALE:    B+

Sean said:

Quoted Text Yes this was a slow-burn from start to end with not much happening in between or anything really that scary. I didn't know what else to categorize it as besides horror (instead of just leaving it as a 'short')

I'll qualify that by saying, if what you wrote here is exactly as intended and you
aren't concerned with making further changes, I respect that.
Your vision, your masterpiece.

Just my six cents for the record.
Scenes 1 and 3 of Henry and Beth walking and talking are duplications. Maybe
Scene 3 can be studying in a library, where they can peruse the net for the Creep's
(creepy house) back story.

Quoted Text Henry gulps as he looks up from the paper. Before him stands the garbage man, his face unseen.

Just a thought: What if Henry doesn't see the garbage man? But we do.
Maybe from the POV of the trash container, as Henry is trying to read the note,
behind him looms the faceless worker from phantom garbage truck.

Overall, there is a lack of horror that would give this script a boost. But there
is also a lack of tension, and your phrasing and scene choices are generally passive.
It's like you are writing this for the PG-13 audience.

If you are inclined to, boost the terror, the conflict and the stakes.

Beth kinda recounts the creep's story as if she saw it on Netflix.
I want her to tell the story as if it's an experience —in as few words as possible—
more like she visually saw what one of the victim's looked like when authorities
fished "her broken body from the lake." (as an example)
  
At the end of the third scene, I don't like that Beth "dares" Henry to talk the
old creep.  Have her stick to her horror that the creep is real.
She should implore, plead, beg with Henry not to go near the creep.
She is super cautious. Maybe Henry is super reckless and macho. That's
a good conflict to push between characters and generates tension.
We will see who is right by the story's end.

If done right, I can see this being a feature. A really good feature, which might
include Henry and even Beth sneaking into the creep's house.

Despite my disappointment, Sean, I think you have so much more to offer here.
The phantom garbage truck rolling silently through the neighborhood is eerie
and a fantastic image. The poster has sold us. Good luck...

Hi Sean,

When I read the word 'note,' I remembered a creepypasta with a similar storyline. And sure enough, the ending confirmed it for me. I'm not saying both are the same, but the concepts are alike. Other than that, the writing was nice and clean. Overall, nice effort.

Good luck.