Wir Nuh Trust Dem by Yaw Ampomah Oppong  - Short, Thriller, Crime - Queku, seeking vengeance for his father's death and pushed into the criminal world, confronts his past and battles against the ruthless power of Micky, ultimately taking control of his destiny. 28 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hi writer!

This script needs a major rewrite! There are too many flashbacks too many plotholes, and the characters read like bad Star Wars villains. Luckily, there's a quick and easy way to tighten up your script. Start by deconstructing the existing draft.

Segment the draft into three groups:

1) Teaser (10 pages)
2) Action (15 pages)
3) Resolution (5 pages)

Based on existing material, the title is Jamaican, but the scene opens in Nigeria with no Jamaican dialog or reference points.  When you sort that out—set the time and space where the story unfolds. The next step is to cut characters and scenes until further cutting would jeopardize clarity. Do you really need the protagonist to stand before a religious council?  How does that scene move the story forward and, more importantly, the budget?  Once you have all that sorted—start with a simple sketch:

1) Teaser (10 pages)

a. Over black.  Shots ring out.
b. open on a chaotic scene: sirens, people screaming.  Manu is dead.
c. Voiceover plays over this scene.

         QUEKU (VO)
Before he died, my father told me
what my mother meant to him and what mother
meant to me. If I was to cause her pain, hell
was not hot enough for me.

d. Open on a small tenement apartment. Newscasts report gun violence. A knock at the door.
e.  Struggling Mother answers the door, a robe tied loosely; the apartment manager presses her for back rent. She looks back at Queku and decides; loosen the robe, exposing her bosom. (foreshadowing).

         QUEKU (VO)
My mother struggled. It wasn’t easy—
the pain, anger, and frustration was unbearable at times.
Little did I know things would get worse before
they could get better.

f. Open on a Nigerian food stall. Queku, burdened with sweat, studies a group of flashy hoods and girls with richly developed bodies.  He decides.  He balls up his aprons and walks.

         QUEKU (VO)
I had to do something.  Anything to change my
lot in life.


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Sketch the next two segments: Action (15 pages) and Resolution (5 pages).

Once the sketch is fleshed out—Fill in the details (descriptions, dialog, etc.) into a correctly formatted outline.  Keep editing the outline until all open loops and knowledge gaps have been resolved. When you finalize your outline, transfer it to screenplay format and resubmit your first draft.  Hopefully, you will have an edgy revenge crime thriller if you get it right.

Now roll up your sleeves and get to work!