Thank You by Michael Godby (D.A.Banaszak) writing as Just About Anybody - Short, Drama - A man entering his golden years feels a need to be needed. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Nice little tale here. Getting older in the workforce that is getting younger is a common issue, and it’s tough when you begin to feel your days are numbered. Anyway, it’s nice that Dale got a little perspective at the end. That said, I feel it needed something more than what you gave us to take it to the next level. Not sure what that is exactly, but something more. Anyway, liked this one a lot. Good work!

Steve

Hey Writer,

Was this Dido's "Thank you"? I'm guessing it was, can't be Busta Rhymes lol.

Love that "thank you" graphic you have on your title page.

A warm-hearted story at its core,  I just struggled a bit with parts of it - the start with all that "call discounted, voicemail, rings, connecting" wasn't that easy on the eye.  And some of your action descriptions were, for me, overwritten --

"Dale takes a deep breath to launch a complaint, slumps with
the acknowledgement of futility"

maybe could be just --

"Dales considers challenging... but doesn't.

Many might think your version is better lol, very subjective, of course.

I do think, if you get the writing a tad tighter, you will have a lovely little story here.

Very nice, if just a little incomplete for me.

He clicks on a red DISCONNECT button on his screen, ends the
call. He clicks his mouse again.
Be aware of doubling up unnecessarily. Ends the call is not needed as he disconnected.

To add humour I'd have Mike launch into pretending to be an answer machine after he first answers.

I really liked this, it has heart and your theme is good.
I felt like it needed a bit more though for an ending. Though the final scene is touching it might be nice to expand a little more on Dale's story without the restricted page count.

The other thing you might think about is also expanding upon the scene in the bar between the young couple. Perhaps 'she' being discarded could be juxtaposed with the feelings Dale has. At the moment it's thrown in there but doesn't go far enough to add real weight to the story.

I can see why you selected 'Thank you' as inspiration but that theme also could be given a little more connection.

You've got something very filmable here, just add to it.

Nice slice of life here, well written and feels honest and accurate on the plight of older people working these days...

But it sort of just fades out a little, which I'm kinda guessing was the point, I just wanted a little more.

Decent effort.

The tide certainly seems to be with  "pulling heartstrings" this go around.  I was so involved in empathy for Dale that through an entire page of dialogue, I didn't realize his friend's name was "Chip".  Thanks so much for that bit of levity  :D  This story is another that is well-written and I dare say by someone with quite a bit of experience penning screenplays.  As I read, I remembered a short that Pia had done that I watched (and thoroughly enjoyed), "Call On Me".  Another angle on an aging gentleman, just looking for someone or something that makes him feel needed.  Thank you for sharing this lovely short.  I would love to read more "Chip and Dale" stories if you decide to expand on this.  Excellent work.

Kathy

What a great little sentimental story about a couple of chipmunks--I mean elderly gentlemen.  It's definitely well though out with a nice commentary on the aging population in the work force.  And as a grandparent myself, the ending was just the perfect ending for me.

Great effort here.  Very enjoyable.

Nice story. Well told. I don't understand the connection of the bar breakup to the greater story, but that doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else, so maybe I'm just missing something.

Good stuff overall.

Best,
Paul

Quoted from PKCardinal ... I don't understand the connection of the bar breakup to the greater story, but that doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else, so maybe I'm just missing something. ...

Paul, I mentioned it too. It does need elaborating on and I'm guessing the Writer didn't have space but I thought it might have to do with the woman being discarded for a younger mode, so not only the older guy being made obsolete. I read a lot into a little however. :)

Quoted from LC Paul, I mentioned it too. It does need elaborating on and I'm guessing the Writer didn't have space but I thought it might have to do with the woman being discarded for a younger mode, so not only the older guy being made obsolete. I read a lot into a little however. :)

Okay...that makes sense to me. But, yes, it takes quite a bit of reading in...still, I'll choose to think that's the reason until the writer says otherwise!

I really enjoyed reading this, so "thank you."

Another thought provoking script of sound writing. Cannot find anything negative to say, just that the narrative seemed real to me. ageing - and changing times and attitudes. "Never the twain should meet."

Ce la vie I suppose.

Nice work.

Hi Writer

Really easy to read, clear and concise.

It has a lot of heart, but needs more oomph for me. No much conflict with the sacking (pleading/arguing), he could have got a bit fed up and outright accused them of discrimination.

The bar scene was also lacking something, and the overheard breakup wasted the very little real estate you had to begin with.

The ending, although uplifting, could also have done with being bigger. I think this will benefit from really amping up the emotion.

Still, superbly written and a nice story.

I really enjoyed your story for its simplicity and its truthfulness.
God knows I've had some crappy jobs in which I knew my time was
limited (and wasted) and the axe was ready to drop.
I think Libby and Paul's back-and-forth is worthy of exploration
to give your story some Geritol. The bar breakup should not be
a throw away. It's got to have meaning. Think about it.

The ending was quiet. I have no overwhelming complaints, but
was thinking that maybe his day ends with a phone call that lifts
his spirits. Maybe it's Dale birthday and it is a well wisher. Whatever.

Another thought would be that his son-in-law (his grandchild's
dad) is starting a business and wants to bring Dale in as a
consultant to establish customer service and quality control,
as it once existed.
I'm of a generation and culture that values taking care of our
elders.

Great job overall. Open it up to 10 pages and see what happens.

Writer,

Very nice little emotional story.   The subject matter is relatable because, eventually, it will affect us or someone we know.   Many years ago, I worked in a call center with an older gentleman, and he struggled to remember all the screens.  Regarding your writing, I can't really add anything to help you.  Like others have said, nice filmable little tale here.  If your song is by Dido, it's a very fitting song.    Take care.

Very sweet. I like Chip's kind words to his friend--"Give me a call. I'll answer." Interesting idea to put two guys with dead-end professions together--newspaper ad salesman and telemarketer. The fact that Dale has lasted three years as a telemarketer is actually pretty impressive. Did you mean to name your characters Chip and Dale?

Ahoy Just About Anybody - I blinked and missed this one, happens sometimes, nothing personal. This song isn't on my playlist - had to google it as well. Well, it is a very cute slice-of-life short full of truths and people we all know. Anyhow, nothing to add. Such an enjoyable read. Best of Irish luck! :)_ghostie gal

Thank you for your warm comments and suggestions. I have already implemented many of the suggestions and will post them sometime tomorrow when I repost the story with my real name.

Some of the comments warrant an explanation regarding the argument in the bar. The bar scene was the original ending but I felt there needed to be a better ending than Chip (Chip and Dale was on purpose) saying "I'll call."

As I was already over 5 pages, I had a lot of editing to do. I took out the conversation with the bartender (Hal). I left a tiny bit of the argument thinking it would provide some background noise for the scene and I liked Chip's entrance as better than a straightforward "The door opens, Chip enters."

Anyway, I restored the removed bar dialog, restored the earlier phone call with Mike in its entirety, and clarified the ending. I may take this further in that Dale finds that his sales negotiating skills are useful working for a food bank soliciting donations.