A Little Bit of Sunshine by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Ray - Short, Musical - A lonely prisoner has a special responsibility. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well, this seems to break the rules somewhat by not using a specific song title, but kind of a mashup of a few songs? -- or perhaps I am mistaken.

Aside, the script followed the theme set up at the beginning quite nicely. Had a bit of Shawshank/Green Mile vibe to it until the extravagant number at the end. Wasn't sure how I felt about that but then again maybe it needed to happen. This writer showed quite the imagination and it packed a punch.

Writer,

Excellent work, writer. I really enjoyed this one. Kinda reminds me of an old ray Bradbury short story, forgot the name of it. But the surreal out of body dance number, the sheer joy and escapism captivated me without overdoing it. Very good job!

Steve

What a bit of "Sunshine" this was, writer!  I felt the entire thing was masterful and well-crafted and as someone said above, I got a "Shawshank" vibe from it.  I loved it.
One word review?  Excellent!

Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us on this.

Kathy

Did you see that dance number in 500 days of Summer? If you haven't you really should
Cross it with Shawshank and this is what you get.

It's not often we get Musicals as OWC entries, though I do remember Johnny wrote one some years back and it was a crowd pleaser.

So nice to read an upbeat script.

Thoroughly enjoyable!
And written exceptionally well.

P.S. I don't think it breaks any rules by referencing two songs.
All you need to do is add one more.
https://youtu.be/iPUmE-tne5U?si=iD_Z4zuSAOYCtL7L

Ahoy Ray - not gonna offer any feeback cos methinks you're just showing off. :) Another one I've never heard until a few minutes ago...it is a fun read. Very tight and moving forward, I think the style and your choice of music definitely sets the tone. Musicals are not my usual cup of tea, but I liked it. Job well done. Best of Irish luck! :)_ghostie gal.

Very fun! I would have loved to know a tiny bit more about our new guy; some little hint of info that could help us connect to him as more than an archetype. But that could easily just come with casting and directorial vision, too.

Extremely well written and imaginative. Excellent work all around and would make a great demo for the right director.

I'm a tiny bit bummed that the Guard got to jump on the musical train -- the generally heartwarming nature of the story kinda rests on the little bit of relief that one prisoner is able to give to others in the same situation, and letting someone who's involved in the deprivation that necessitates the musical number in the first place become a part of that music feels a little off to me -- but that's largely a matter of personal values.

Really really good in my opinion.

Two songs, sure why not.

Very well written, great job on that.

I just struggled a bit with the juxtaposition of the jail and the dance sequence, though I did enjoy the energy of the latter.

I had a bit of trouble believing that (despite the coal mining setup) they didn't get to see the sun apart from the x marks the spot beam.

Strong entry though

""I was put off by the-  "Ethan " did this and "Ethan" did that action scenes. We know who he is, no need to keep saying that.

Not for me this one. However it was an enjoyable read for a musical, which I loath with all my heart.

Jailhouse Rock, was the only one I liked and I was only 12 when that was shown.

Just my opinion and thanks for posting.

Hi Writer

How is he going to see there is a truck through a tiny crack that only lets a spec of sunshine through?

Anyway, very well written and unique. It is packed full of style and charm and was lovely to read.

All the best to you

Hey Writer,

Very creative. Conceptually, I really like what you've come up with here.
Don't know whether the challenge and song inspired the idea or whether it's an idea you've had on the back burner but either way, it's great. Think it deserves a larger platform than five pages - worth considering.

Top writing too - Gotta a be a contender, gotta be.

Loved the breakaway dance routine, a total surprise. It put a smile on my dance shoes!

Well crafted from the beginning because the "new guy in prison" story is always a setup to beat the shit out of the poor soul, but this switch-up was very engaging and a sign that this was something new. Had a touch of the heart and soul of Shawshank Redemption.

Nice work, writer.

Did not expect that!

Loved the combination of mixing a prison setting with an upbeat musical vibe. Totally unexpected. Writing was really solid too!

Excellent work!

came in expecting a dour prison movie and got quite the surprise when it turns into La La Land!  A brave choice that you really need to be commended for.  Liked this one quite a bit.  

I will say — the little hole in the wall doesn’t make much sense.  Maybe make it the tiniest slit of a window instead.  Just a suggestion.  Otherwise, great job.

In no way do I like musicals. But this was a fine piece of writing.
So detailed, sunny and fun. I still don't like musicals, however,
I just can't push this script to the corner. It's rather glorious.
Not much to criticize. It's a winner and what more can I add.

Writer,

I've always been a fan of One Republic.  Good song choice.  I thought you painted a vivid picture of how something we take for granted can be a great joy to others.   I also thought it was clever to have the guard sing and dance.  They are stuck in there with them for long hours at a time.  Using the lyrics in the dialogue worked well.  Good job.

Congratulations on coming up with a remarkable, original idea. It would be so great to watch this on film. This is definitely in the running for the top spot. The only small suggestion I have would be to give Ethan more time in the prison. After just one day, he probably wouldn't be so overjoyed to see the sun. After a month or a year, things would be different.

I could see the essence of a musical in the works. While I’m not quite a fan of musicals, it worked for me here. I liked this.

Some teeny logic issues aside, which didn't bother me btw...
Great job, Paul!

Quoted from LC Some teeny logic issues aside, which didn't bother me btw... Great job, Paul!

Thanks. Yeah, I chose to ignore a few things...especially knowing this really can't get made. Wrote it for the big fun of it all. In my head, it's even bigger than on the page. You really should see it!!! The choreography is amazing. :)