Hey Josh,
Have read Amputations and overall I think it is an intriguing, atmospheric and unique tale you have created here.
Firstly, I like your writing style - should serve you well, for this feature and whatever you do going forwards. No issues with the read, flowed beautifully. All good in my book. I want to give you a particular nod to the way you build atmosphere in your scenes - the pacing of those scenes and how they’re mostly told through visual narrative as any good spooky feature should be. I particularly like the deserted house at the start - I love static scenes of uninhabited rooms, always creepy… sets the tone so well.
The story - I was intrigued throughout. Strange at times, yes, but I think the ambiguity and uniqueness always kept me engaged. I liked it a lot.
Got a few notes during my read for you to consider —
Page 2
“RUSTLE near them. Maggie whips her head to face the source. She exits Steve's side to check. “
Sounded a bit like Maggie was still in the car, so was a little confusing.
Page 7
SERIES OF PICTURES:
Think it should be SERIES OF PHOTOS: - This little montage would work really well for me if it was very quick, like ten seconds, perhaps with the added sound of the camera shutter.
Page 8 - Love how simply you build Carey’s quirkiness.
Page 10 and 11 - Does Mara push her luck a bit too far with her negations with Carey? It’s only because Mara wants the property as much as Carey wants to sell it.
Page 25
I did find it a little strange how Mara so quickly tries the song to bring Paul back. I know it’s an important part of the story but maybe it just needs something extra, maybe a line from Mara (to herself) to tell us that she doesn’t really believe it will work or some more hesitancy around it because it felt a little nuts as it is.
Page 27
“Next to the bed, a see-through figure, barely visible. Paul. “
This is the first major supernatural spin in the story - does it need more emphasis? Maybe caps or summit. It’s okay as it is but perhaps at least separate it from the sentence beneath.
Page 38
“A harsh SQUEAL from the car. Mara and Paul notice this, clench their teeth together. “
Don’t need “notice this”
Page 47
Quoted Text He paces back and forth across the bedroom. He climbs on the bed, and runs his hands through his hair.
PAUL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Silence, as he catches his breath. Chest heaving. |
Find that passage a little strange - does he experience a sharp pain? Wasn’t sure what happened there.
Page 48
The pig’s dialogue. Normally I would say you shouldn’t have an animal in character dialogue but it made me laugh and it worked to be fair, so I say leave it :)
Page 55 - is it supposed to be Mara instead of Lena who is also wheeled through in a gurney?
Page 71 - I think the scene changes from the camera’s point of view after seeing Mara twitching on the ground - I think you need either an END CAMERA POV or put VIDEO CAMERA POV in the first scene heading as in EXT. FOREST - NIGHT - VIDEO CAMERA POV then use a new scene heading when the POV stops, EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
I don’t mean to over-complicate something simply but it just looked a little off on the page.
Lastly, the songs and the lyrics - there is a fair bit of this in the screenplay. So, I had heard of Francis Quinlan but I didn’t know her songs, so at first, these lyrics didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t know how they were sung or their melodies. Now, having listened to Quinlan, in particular, “Laments of a Mattress”, I get it now. In fact, I love the song and what it brings to your story. It really creates a unique atmosphere for that final epilogue scene. Just wanted you to bear in mind that if readers don’t know these songs they may struggle with the lyric scenes.
The feature also needs Francis Quinlan on board as she is an active character, could this pose a potential hurdle? Does she need to be an active character? Could it be a tribute act?
I also think your log line needs a bit more bang, it doesn’t quite nail it for me or it’s perhaps not quite enticing enough. Just my opinion, but think this script deserves a better log line - you could ping it on the simply scripts log line discussion board, get some veteran brains on the case. I’ll also have a think.
Right, that’s enough of me banging on, I should reiterate - I liked this a lot. Would definitely enjoy watching it play out on-screen. Hope it lands in the lap of somebody who can make things happen.
Good luck.