Diane by  Victor Titimas - Short, Scifi, Fantasy - Three thugs and an alien cyborg cross paths in their newest warehouse. 6 pages

Production: Genre: Action Sci-Fi; Cast: 3 male, 1 female; Location: Warehouse, Street - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Victor,

Firstly, I enjoyed the read and it kept me engaged to the end. I do think you could tighten this up a bit.

SPOILERS:
Firstly, give your characters some attributes as you introduce them eg, MARK (30's) tall, muscular the obvious leader of these thugs.  Then the line "The thugs approach the warehouse", is obsolete (and not so confusing at that point).  Diane is also introduced with no attributes. But they immediately make a decision not to shoot her because of "her clothes". Because of that you should describe what she is wearing upfront.

You interchange between character names, and the collective "thugs" during your action which makes it hard to follow at times. Probably overusing "thugs", it was very repetitive and got a bit annoying. They are introduced, we know they are thugs. "They" or "The men" would work fine continuing on.

Page 3: I don't think you need to use the word "hookers", too obvious. I'd change it to "girls", I'm sure that's how Glenn would probably refer to his "staff".

I think you overuse ellipsis "..." in your dialogue. Some of these are not needed, and again got a bit annoying.

A couple of things I am not sure of:
Why did she nod when she was asked if she was a cop?
Not quite sure of the ending - Is the warehouse a camouflaged cyborg trap, ready for the next unsuspecting criminals?

These are all nit picks of course and just my opinion.

Well done. There was some good action sequences and a good flow to your story. This is not usually my genre, but as I said before, the story kept me engaged and intrigued enough to ask some questions about your script.

Good luck !