Extreme Malice by Zackary M Akers - Short, Horror - Two sisters traveling to a family reunion find themselves as the targets of a mysterious figure with very bad intentions. 17 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this nasty piece of work up, Don. Wrote this a while ago and have been sitting on it, unsure of what to do with it. Figured I'd share it and see what people think.

It may not be the darkest thing I've ever written, but don't let that fool you. There's not a shred of light in this monster. ;D :P

I'm kinda thinking extreme psychotic and homicidal tendencies actually, regarding the title..  ;D

SPOILERS FOLLOW

Zack, you tick all the boxes for horror tropes here, including setting, isolated cornfields, lonely road, disgusting toilet facilities etc. - I was reminded of Wrong Turn, Jeepers Creepers, The Hitcher - same of my favs, and you have the vibe spot on..

However, and I can only speak for myself, but what I love with Horror is suspense, smarts, and the victim fighting back. These girls are purely unsuspecting victims of a monster so I came away thinking you wrote all this masterfully but it's torture-porn (well, the last part is). The girl who gets her head lopped off got away easy methinks.

If this was the prologue to a feature I might go for it, but as a standalone piece it doesn't really work for me.

Well written though, like I said.

Edit: I was thinking what would make this sit with me better and the only thing I can think of is if the girls are bad on a similar level ( like maybe a bloodied body falls out of their trunk when the vehicle rolls) and so they get what's coming to them. And/or if one of them puts up a fight. Women as straight up victims is kinda 90s.  ;D

I also agree with one of the characters when she says they would have been better peeing in the bushes, otherwise really I know not one person who would use those facilities as described.

I think you need some surprises and shocks that work both ways to keep your audience in tenterhooks.

Thanks for reading, Libby. Always appreciate your opinion. :) Sorry this one didn't land for you, but I can't say I'm surprised.

Not sure this one's a winner. This was meant to be the first episode of a non-linear mini-series about a serial killer and his various "hunts" over a twenty-year span. Couldn't quite crack the code on the series, so I figured I'd share this here until I figure out what I want to do with it. I think this works as a stand-alone short.

My wife wants me to turn it into a feature and use this short as a prologue(like what you suggested).

I'd like to keep these sisters sympathetic, good people. Will try to figure out a way to deliver some more suspense and a satisfying ending, once I figure out what exactly to do with this. Lol. Thanks again for reading. :)

As far as Libby’s comments are concerned, Ditto.  I like her idea of the sisters not being so innocent. It would be interesting if the figure found himself naively taking on his psychotic and depraved equals in a knock-down, drag-out, back-and-forth fight for survival secluded in the wilderness.

I have a strange appreciation for your writing. I have a hard time bringing myself to hurt people, even when it’s just with my keyboard and the victims are imaginary. I have learned that if I ever need to kill someone in a story, in a way that is slow, violent and painful to read and watch, I only have to channel my inner Zack.

Sorry that I missed your review, Michael. No clue how it slipped by me.

Seems I missed the mark a bit with this one. I still like it and think there's potential here. Going to repurpose this short as the intro to a feature.

Thanks for reading! Happy you at least like my writing style. :)

Just finished this and now I'm sitting under the shower, trying to forget.

I wholeheartedly recommend this to people who like psychotica and things that go scream-squish-splat in the night.

Not so much for sane people, though.

;D

(It's very well-written...)

Quoted from Drongo Bum Just finished this and now I'm sitting under the shower, trying to forget. I wholeheartedly recommend this to people who like psychotica and things that go scream-squish-splat in the night. Not so much for sane people, though. ;D (It's very well-written...)

Yeah, this one most certainly is not for everyone. Lol. Appreciate you reading and leaving feedback. :)

Dear Zackary,
Crikey!! A middle of nowhere masked man slasher shocker!! This moves right along and is well written so I'll turn up the intensity on my gimlet eye to dig into this a tad.
It's completely linear - howsabout a flashback of the abortion survivor argument which could be referenced to later?
Keep the dialogue really brief for pace something like  "I missed that crater didn't I ?!"
Maybe if the girls could bump into or insult in some way the murderous man so that he has motive - just lying in wait seems a bit of a stretch to me IMHO.
Needs a man (in a red shirt??) to come to their aid at the roadside who gets it to ratchet up the danger of death.
Shot AND beheaded?? That's definitely overkill - -
It's a great gore-fest. Well done.

However, its not put me off my lunch. Its curry today - all best --

Hey Zachary,

I don't know if I could say it any better than LC. I pretty much agree with her points. Focusing on the characters might open the story up more.

In general, I know why an event like this would impact Jane and Joe Doe, but I don't know in what way it affects Christy and Kelly explicitly.

For example, if Kelly was hoping to see a high school crush at the reunion and Christy was deciding whether to switch majors from economics to art history because she's figured out what she wants to do with the rest of her life, then I get how much they have to lose, and it helps round them out as characters with intentions of living. And you already have some of it with the mom. Maybe really dig into that more.

And the same universe serial killer sounds interesting, too. Nice work!

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee ...Christy was deciding whether to switch majors from economics to art history because she's figured out what she wants to do with the rest of her life...

Be unemployed? ;D

Relax, art history graduates. I'm only kidding.