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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  Lena
Posted by: Don, November 26th, 2023, 5:17pm
Lena by Jason K. Allen - Short, Horror - While backpacking alone in the wilderness, a young man encounters a mysterious girl who has a unique relationship with the forest. 11 pages

Production: One location, two characters.

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: D.A.Banaszak, November 27th, 2023, 7:00pm; Reply: 1
This was a pleasant read. The story was set up well. It pulled me in. It was clear as it formed a clear image in my mind as I read it. Lena remained a mystery the right amount of time. I knew her behavior was a little off, but I was left wondering why as the story continued. Was she an alien? A wood elf? A genie? Some kind of nature spirit?

Then came the twist and the answer was clear. Nicely done.

I was left horrified, heart broken and thoroughly entertained. I think this will make a nice short film.

          ...And I'm staying away from the woods.
Posted by: Busy Little Bee, December 22nd, 2023, 1:56am; Reply: 2
Hey Jason,

The logline was intriguing, but I was surprised that Lena was in her early 20s because the logline mentions a "girl," as does the last sentence before Lena's introduction, which threw me a little because when I read "girl," I think, kid, but that just might be me.

I found Lena's character interesting with her off-beat behavior. I did wonder if Lena's ultimate goal is to get Austin into the sinkhole; shouldn't she lure him toward it rather than him stumbling upon it?

The horror of getting dragged into a sinkhole is effective, but I did want to get a little more out of Austin's character. What's his relationship with the wilderness? Is it a place of escapism? Does he have any troubles back home? Is there a personal connection to this specific area?  

Congrats on knocking this one out!

BLB
Posted by: LC, December 22nd, 2023, 3:24am; Reply: 3
Hmm, nice overall, even if I could see it coming.

I too think you should call her a 'young woman', I was expecting a girl of younger age from your logline.

The only thing I would suggest is to amp up the Horror descriptions seeing as this is listed as such.
I would also use a word such as decaying, rotting or even decomposing, rather than deteriorating, and probably towards the end be more graphic with the descriptions of flesh peeling off her.
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