https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/2ym9aeukn35uf8n6th9op/Untitled.pdf?rlkey=5pkvhzyjdk0w8tnuf841pi2sh&dl=0

This is the opening 40 or so of something I wrote rather quickly in October. The full draft is 120 pages but beyond these opening pages, it's mostly just getting thoughts on paper.

The premise is that a middle-aged man in 2007 relentlessly catfishes an 18 year old girl via an online game, but this is complicated by the fact that the girl isn't all she seems. That sounds very bleak but tonally it's closer to very dark comedy than anything upsetting or tragic. There's a huge 'twist' (as the premise invokes) in the following acts that I'm trying to lay the ground work for in these opening pages but I'm not sure if I've been too obvious (let me know).

I guess I'm struggling with redrafting this. Right now, it feels like a succesion of vignettes with a broadly interconnected set of characters and I'm struggling to fix that without losing the plot, quite literally. I generally don't write anything this high concept/plot heavy, so any thoughts are great. Even just quick impressions.

Good to read your first 40 of this. I liked the  feeling of the character introductions and of the story building. My impression is of the stage being set for some sort of major collision with the main characters.  No good guess as to plot twist....
Glad you mentioned the dark comedy tone in your remarks--otherwise I wouldn't have thought that just based on what you've written.
Getting some sense of James and Charlene and their relationship and of Ryan. Wondering what makes Hannah tick and about the relationship with her mom (and what's up with mom's naked bedmate?).  
Will have to stay tuned!
Good luck with next steps.

Hey 143!! Thanks so much for giving this a read.

I suppose I did go light on the comedy part of dark comedy xD

I’m happy to hear that the pacing and plotting is ok - I think once I work out these opening acts the final parts will feel more ready