Siege by anonymous - Two bank robbers are holed up in a moonshiner's cabin...or are they?  Short, Crime

Writer,

A rule of thumb, no need to number your scenes. Watch the spacing in some of your slugs. I'd split some of your paragraphs up.

That aside, from the dialogue, it feels like a western. the dialogue rang true.  

As for the story itself, I thought it was okay. The stuff with Peach was funny. I was just expecting more. Solid entry. Other's will probably love this.

All the best,

Ghost

Anonymous,

Had a fun time reading this. The dialogue was my favorite part, as it read very natural and real. Good job with that. The formatting could be worked on for sure, and the ending couldn't end so abruptly. Loved it though! Great job.

Sean

Som formatting nitpicks that can be easily fixed.

Scene numbering isn't needed in a sepc, especially a short.
Headers seem off, could be the software you are using and generally best to stick to day or night, 'morning' isn't an easy thing to convey.
Character intro's, you capped everyone until we got to Laird.

I think the intro is a little over-written but it didn't detract from anything.

Not sure Peach would say 'do you think Laird is in there' when presumably everyone knows who they are talking about - again easy edit.

Took me a minute to figure out the robbers had been holding up in Laird's cabin?

I liked this though, nice feel to it.

Nice writing!

I liked the clarity of your character descriptions, their intentions and driving the story from three different points of view.

I could "see" this short as I read it. Clever wrap up for all three strories!

For some reason this reminded me of the Bonnie and Clyde docu… the feds waiting in a tree line till they (B & C) came up the road in their Model A Ford, sittin’ in the bush getting mauled by mosquitoes all night, and if you’ve never been mauled by mosquitoes, it is literally hell, ugh…

Anyway, it was a tense moment that played out well in my opinion. I’m not entirely sure a ‘moonshiner’ would have a still in a closed environment, small one maybe, but one that has power to blow a cabin to pieces would have a thumper and look like a short train, including a fire for the boiler that Alchemist’s titled Balneum Ignis, or ‘Bathed in Flames', and… that’s no good for anyone. But I’m just nitpicking and perhaps throwing out another avenue of approach in case you decide to flesh this out to a longer read.

I was kind of lost as to why the bank robbers would hole themselves up in a cabin and leave their loot behind, knowing they’re being hunted and all, or maybe they got drunk off the still and forgot why they were there in the first place, lol.

None the less, all the theme elements were there and the story itself was interesting enough to keep me engaged till the end, best of luck.

I also took this to have an "old western" theme - when else would the banker be a part of the posse chasing the bankrobbers?  Although you labeled this as "Crime", I thought it tended to lean more toward comedy - especially the last lines from the three characters.  Funny!  Anyway, as others mentioned above, the format needs work.  Does your screenwriting software automatically number scenes?  If so, you could possibly turn that feature off as it isn't needed, especially in a short like this.

Thanks for the laughs and the visuals with your characters - fun read!  Good luck!

I loved the abrupt ending, the description and the exclamations from the three characters made it rather funny.

There were some good lines in this script, starting with the last ones: My house! My money! My God. Those are great concluding lines. I also liked the comment about the biggest guy being the easiest target. Very nice.

Peach Dellums is a great name, but I'm not as enthusiastic about Rock Hardigan.

I think "Don't have the foggiest" should end with a period, not a question mark. It is a statement, after all.

For awhile, I thought the initial robbers shot the still, but realized later that it was law enforcement.

Fun.

This was a good comedy with good characters.

Hi Writer

That massive block of text greeting me on the opening page would normally have me instantly close the script. Since it's an OWC I will carry on, but just sayin'

Excuse me, but 38 is not "past prime"  ;D

The actual writing and descriptions are great, you just need more white on page 1.
Dialogue is terrific. Really got that western feel.

Fun story and a satisfying ending. Nice work

Except for the overwriting (in parts) this is very well done.
Dialogue nice and some lovely droll humour.

ROCK
No, but you’re the slowest runner
and biggest target. You should
think about that.
;D

Any other day I'd do my thing and give suggestions for editing your opening para except for the fact we're headed for 38 degrees in the shade here today and I'm already wilting. That's celcius btw.

A couple of things: Peach (great name for your character but you need to show how he's 'prosperous'.

Also, one thing that got me was why it was going to take a half hour to get into position. The house didn't seem that far away.

A couple of typos, nothing too significant.

Anyway, this is up there for me.
Nice job!

I'll admit straight out...when I read the first three blocks of description...I was convinced that this script was going to be a massive slog.

Considering how far back I started mentally, and where I ended the script mentally...let's just say I'm exhausted by the length of the journey.

I mean, it feels like two different writers from the start to the end.

For me, the assignment is simple: fix the first page. Break up and tighten the description. Take out everything that isn't crucial to the story. (Hint: flies and frogs, oak trees, etc.)

Another tip: the word "is" usually (not always) indicates a sentence to fix. "it is hidden..." becomes "An oak tree hides..."

Another example..."One of the men is in the uniform..." becomes "ROCK HARDIGAN, 38, Sheriff's uniform..."

Like I said, the trick doesn't always work, but searching for and eliminating the word "is" can lead to simple but effective changes.

All that said, I ended up really enjoying this script. I'm glad I stayed with the read. Were it not an OWC, I'm not sure I would have. And, that would have been my loss.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. Loved the finishing dialogue triplet.

Maybe I’m missing something here because I wasn’t as invested as others seem to be in this piece.  The story itself was good, but I just had a hard time buying into the dialogue, for one thing.  Just felt very unnatural and contrived.  A fun line here and there, but I felt like this could have been more highly elevated with some work around the dialogue.  I feel like the twist at the end was actually ruined by this exchange:

PEACH
Were they carrying a bag, or a satchel?
LAIRD
Nope, they left empty-handed with an ass-load of rock salt.
PEACH
Then my money is still in your cabin. Thank God.

Laird says they weren’t carrying a bag or a satchel to begin with, so how would they have left the money in the cabin?  Am I missing something?  Wouldn’t Laird have known if there was money in his cabin?  If any of that is true, it kind of blows the ending a little bit.  I would figure out a solution to that if possible.  Best of luck with it.

Those massive action blocks right from the get-go weren't a good sign, but fortunately, the writing was good throughout. There are a few formatting issues throughout, but it's probably just the program you are using.

If I had to guess I'd think it was Trelby you were using. Got that myself due to Celtx not working properly, but ended up getting rid of it.

Overall I liked this story. Funny how they decided to shoot first and think later ending up with the money going up with the cabin .. or so I'm assuming. Laird said they weren't carrying anything when they showed up at his place, so the money could be elsewhere.


Good work.

Hey writer,

Great idea to have taken it in such an unexpected direction. Really wasn't expecting anything like that.

The first page felt like hard work initially but once I got past that I really enjoyed it, especially the dialogue.


The ending was a bit unexpected though. Why the explosion? Was it from making moonshine or did I miss something?

Good luck!

It was hard for me to get into the dialog but I'm international

The story is funny and I loved the final note. Good punch to the story!n Nice

no more than 4 lines in a narrative - that's like a must. and better not number the scenes. I was told that before and just passing it on. Good luck to you with it!

This one carried a little weight. Once again it felt more like scene from a bigger story. The ending sifficed though. Quite well written but some format errors to look out for.