Ho Bag by Rider X - A scorned country wife performs her own DIY divorce after being cheated on.  Short, Horror

Ho bag. I mean, Rider X,

Second one in, and so far my favorite. Loved it all the way through despite the errors. Saw the ending coming but still threw me off when Becky got Travis in the gut. The final dialogue line made me lol.

Great job,

Sean

Ahoy Rider X -- I must say a fun, little romp on your hands -- only HUMBLE OPINE is get more creative with disguising the twist.  This was predictable. Now I can't guarantee anybody that any of this was going to happen, but if I think about it while I'm reading, and it happens later, THAT is predictability.  Some one else may not think so.

My opinion means zilch, so take it with a grain of salt - or the whole damn shaker. Look at me, I sound like a broken record! :D Anywaz, very entertaining. Good job!- :)-A

Yep, a bit of fun and you gave it your own style for sure - horrid characters that were realistic.

The house however was too incidental to the plot. I half expected to see it burning to the ground as the girls fled - coulda worked if you set it up as Travis's pride and joy.

Btw, ditching Fade In is one thing, no opening scene header quite another.

Points for entering, regardless of my quibbles.

Hi Rider,

I liked the way the characters talked, as in, like, their dialect. It's always fun reading (and writing!) dialogue that sounds very specific in one's head. There's a couple of lines in there that are OTN but it's a 1 week challenge and I get the sense you were facing the deadline with this.

I liked pretty much everything leading up the final sequence, but the whole "Becky is actually on Amber's side" twist feels...I dunno, writerly? Like you'd done really interesting stuff in setting up this plot premise and having conflict established in such a short efficient space, and then the ending feels like an easy out. I get it that it's a 10 page short written in a matter of days, but it just feels like I can 'see' the plotting if that makes sense.

Still really good - again, I enjoyed the characters and setting.

No opening scene header and I can't figure out any reason for that?

A lot of typos that would be sorted with another read through or two, maybe a writer in a  rush to get it in for the deadline (I know I was!)

The story was okay but seen regularly, the house was incidental to the plot and the action felt a little awkward.

Not my cup of tea I'm afraid.

Oh man, I’ve heard of a shotgun wedding, but a shotgun divorce? Mind you, I would wager several divorces end with a bang, so to speak: “till death do us part”, that whole chestnut.

Hope you don’t mind; I gave everyone in this script a serious southern drawl. Coincidentally, most people who make their way to Hollywood actually do end up becoming Ho Bags, not by choice of course, just a series of unfortunate events between waiting tables and doing casting calls. Yeah, Becky and Amber will fit right in to that whole west coast scene.

Fun read with some dire consequences for poor Travis, best of luck.

Hey Writer

"and the same brand cigarettes her husband smokes." - we have no way of knowing that.

I get the vibe this is a rushed entry. Couldn't really connect with the story or the characters in anyway and the plot doesn't make much sense, why bother setting up some elaborate cheating sting if your just gonna kill him anyway?

I actually thought this was a fun read, even if it did end with a blatant murder at the end.  I'm not sure what Becky's stake was in helping to murder Travis, but other than that it kinda had a "Thelma and Louise" feel to it.
As others mentioned there are a number of typos and format problems, but all easily remedied with a quick run through for  clean up.  I also notice some comments on the house only being incidental to the plot (I've seen this on other entries also).  Personally, I didn't read the criteria as having the house be central to the plot in some way, just that the action had to take place in or around an old house.  This one met that criteria IMO, so I have no problem with it.  Thanks for sharing in the OWC!

Definitely need an opening slug. The last thing you want to do right at the top of the page is send the message that you don't know what you're doing. (To be clear, I'm not saying that you don't know what you're doing...I'm saying that leaving off FADE IN and an opening slug can send the wrong message. Best to avoid it, since you DO know what you're doing.)

Typos are killers, too. Kill them before they kill you.

Anyway, to the story...

I enjoyed this in a twisted sort of way. Walking through the steps of "filing" for divorce was super interesting. The Thelma and Louise vibe was interesting...if not all that thoroughly played out.

None of the characters were good people. But, somehow, you made it work well enough.

Thanks for sharing.

The ending was a bit of a surprise for me. The characters were believable; Amber most of all. A 20-something woman with a baseball bat and a Ford Pickup describes quite a few of my relatives.

I love the buildup of Amber searching through the house.

I really liked the dialogue in this script. That alone was worth the price of admission. Your writing has a really confident feel to it.

This would definitely be fun to see on screen.

If Amber was in cahoots with Becky, I don't see the need for Amber "discovering" the nylons in Travis's car and getting upset at the beginning of the script. If this was all a setup, then why would she need to search the car for clues? She already knows that Amber is going to be in there. It works for the audience, but it doesn't make sense for Amber go through this fake discovery.

What happens when the police discover Travis's body and go straight to Amber?

One more thing: Travis is described as being a leathery cowboy, but he's only 25. Leathery skin must kick in earlier these days.

I guess the logic of this one is lost on me — why does Amber need Becky to help her with getting Travis out of the cabin, and worse, why does she resort to attempted murder (or actual murder) to make him leave? What does Becky get out of doing that?  I understand it’s just a story, but I at least want the story to be one that doesn’t require me to jump through a bunch of logical hoops to have me buy in.

Normally I don’t count off for grammar and formatting issues, because we’re all writing under the gun, but this one needs a thorough scrubbing in a rewrite.

I did like Amber declaring herself judge, jury and executioner, just wanted to a bit more story to make me buy into it.  Best of luck with it.

Full disclosure, I did not see this ending coming.
This is a story well told, but jeez, the cascading typos truly interfered with the flow.
Excellent characterization through the dialogue.
I loved these two ho bags!

This was laughing out loud funny.
Very nice.

it's loaded with misspellings but who cares.

I didn't like the fact she killed him in cold blood and the twist at the end. Maybe something else? Please.

The script is a hoot. and nice dialogue with fun characters. The ho bagging works well for them.

Hey writer,

Really enjoyed this. Was an easy read, very visual and loads of fun.

Was a bit confused by the need to have Becky there as a kind of honeytrap though. Was it so that she could kill her husband and claim it was a crime of passion or something? Is that even a thing? I dunno, enjoyed it nonetheless.


Good luck!

This was a good read, a bit predictable with Becky being an accomplice, but still works.

I think it would work better to have that cabin as the main reason for the killing of Travis, rather than just his cheating. I'd make Becky and Amber cousins or some sort of family relation. Perhaps Travis is not only unfsithful but trying to take ownership of the cabin away from Amber. This would then cause Amber to make up a plan with Becky to confirm her suspicions.



Good work.

Good story. Good ending. However, some of the dialogue seemed a bit off at times. Also some typos made me have to check myself. No FADE IN is lazy and careless.