The House That Never Was by Dreamland - The kindness of a stranger and the shelter of his weathered house save a young woman from impending peril.  Short, Drama

Dreamland,

While I saw the ending from near the very beginning, this was a very emotional little short that I appreciated very much. I figure that Gabe is Anna's golden retriever from when she was a kid, and Michael is a guardian angel of some sort. At first I thought maybe he would be a relative who had passed, but I figure she would remember their face.

Well-written and warming. Good job.

Sean

Writer,

I thought this one was good, but kind of predictable right from the get go - reminds me of the Urban Legend, the Vanishing Hitchhiker. Still enjoyable. Good job.

No nit-picks.

All the best,

Ghost

Hard to critique any of the internal logic of what is a fantasy sequence/dream/out of body experience... but why would he have fresh clothes in the bathroom? Weird how little things niggle my brain.

The story and twist is a little telegraphed but the story flows well, reminds me of the tales of the 3rd man syndrome which are always fascinating.

But here, I was expecting some sort of personal connection to be established between Anna and Michael, like with Gabe, but I don't think there was one?

Decent effort

Nice story here.

It was kind of predictable around the third page of where this was heading, but it was a good read nonetheless.

My only nitpick about this is that part of this challenge has the house being torn down. I guess you could've snuck something about a house being there some time ago, that was torn down.


Good job.

Quoted from Lightfoot My only nitpick about this is that part of this challenge has the house being torn down. I guess you could've snuck something about a house being there some time ago, that was torn down.

Not my script but the parameters did not state the house has to be torn down. Just saying so people don’t mark the script down for it.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Not my script but the parameters did not state the house has to be torn down. Just saying so people don’t mark the script down for it.

Whoops.

My apologies, when I first read about this owc, the part about the house being torn down got stuck in my head. Thought it was a part of this challenge.

Thought this was gonna go full ‘Misery’ at first, but alas, such was not the case. I must have been lollygagging when I read this cause the whole thing about the house not being there escaped me, that is... until it wasn’t there.

That being, I should have seen it coming a mile away, considering you laid out clues before us: the dog resemblance and it being at ease beside Anna, the stranger being called Michael (angel reference) the title of the author ‘Dreamland’, etc. All these should have added up by midway for me, but nope… lollygagging I tell ya’.

Then again, many homes are tucked away from the road to be just that, not seen by others, even if you’ve lived in a desolate area for a length of time (such as the nurse), some things are designed to be hidden from view. Mind you, you wouldn’t have that much of a spine tingler here if the house was visible from the road.

Anyhow, this non-existing cabin with a cozy fire and oodles of hot soup out in the middle of nowheresville was a Godsend for Anna, and a curious little tale for me that hit all the required notes. Best of luck.

Hi Writer

It was a nice tale, albeit not enough conflict for me. The whole thing was heading in a nice direction, and we could reasonably presume what sort of outcome it would be, but I did feel let down by the whole just being told that the house and Michael don't actually exist by the nurse.
The ending is fine, it's just the way it is delivered to the audience needs work I think,
Maybe it's because you ran out of space. But I would like a more visual ending.

All the best.

Last one on my list.  Those who appear from nowhere to provide rescue and then disappear back into the ethereal world.  And Michael and Gabe no less?  Did grandma (of the fresh air dryed laundry) send these two lifesavers - including Anna's beloved dog? Were they actually there or merely a product of a bump on the head and loss of consciousness?  The writer here doesn't make those conclusions but I like to think they were.  It somehow gives a bit of hope that someone watches over us.  The criteria of the old house was met... if it existed or not.  Glad you were able to get this one in for the OWC!  

Like a cup of hot cocoa.

I'm not sure if you intended the end as a twist, but if you did, I'd recommend changing the title...as it states the situation straight out.

Absent the title, the twist becomes obvious on page three with the dog line--that, paired with the name Michael.

Again, I'm not convinced you cared to hide things, so, ignore the notes if that's the case.

All in all, well done. A nice bit of chocolate on a cold winter's day.

I thought I had predicted the ending, but it actually turned out to be different than I expected. It was also a lot happier.

I don't think I would have liked it if it had the ending I had predicted. I liked this. It cheered me up. Thanks.

So hot here the ants have got into the peanut butter.
I digress...

Except for the cardinal sin of lay when it's lie, this is written well. A bit overwritten in some parts - doubling up etc.

MICHAEL
The house sits a way from the
roadway. Most people don’t know
it’s here, but I like it that way,
just me and Gabe. We’re a couple
of loners I guess.

Suggest paring it back:

Most people don't know we're here.
But we like it like that, right, Gabe?
(he ruffles the dog's head).

Anna raises her head (a bit and) takes in the room (around her).
A FIRE blazes in an OLD STONE FIREPLACE. The WALLs are rough
hewn TIMBER, faded with age.
(editing bits).

Damn! I thought for sure we were headed into Misery territory.
You need more. Perhaps get rid of the person telling her there's never been a house there and have her drive away and around again to get on the main road and the house has disappeared.

And/Or maybe something spooky in the backseat of the car - the flannel shirt, or a ripped piece of the note.

A decent script with just not quite enough conflict or payoff in the end.

Writer,

I wanted to like this one but was pretty sure I knew where it was going just by your title. Sorry to say, there’s really nothing fresh here. It’s a pretty standard tale, and to make something like this work we need something we’ve never seen before. However, not to be too much of a downer, this was very well written and nicely paced. A good writer here, for sure, just a story we’ve seen many times before. Good job!

Steve

This was a nice, if not predicable, little story that needs to figure out some of the logic issues in order to take it to the next level.  My thought would be that the man shows up at the hospital because she forgot something, but she doesn’t see him.  A nurse brings the item to her room and says some man left this for you.  Just another twist you could throw in after the first nurse indicates that she’s never seen a house around there.  Overall, a very good effort here and nicely written.

I'm fond of the way it's written, and the characters. The dialog is wonderful.
Everything is good here.

The story has been around but still, it's a nice take.

Well, maybe there never was a house, but there was a good story!
A Twilight like story with an upbeat ending that I thought would be different:
- Maybe she was dead, and the smell of the shirt was a link to her past life.
- Maybe this was going to be a Misery makeover.
- Or could it have been a hallucination when she woke up in her car after the crash?
I like the writer's choice much better!

Hey writer,

Decent writing here and well done for not going in a more predictable route, which is what I was expecting.

Maybe worth changing the title though so it doesn't give the twist away though... although I thought the title was actually a kind of bluff haha

Good luck!

This is a nicely written script with good-natured vibes. I predicted early on that something awful would happen, and it was a pleasant surprise when it didn't. Of course, there's the mysterious end. I think it might make a little more sense if the medical worker knew that Michael had passed away long ago. Otherwise, it becomes completely random...a house materializing from nothing.

I just wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on my script. As always, I appreciate your kindness and your solid advice. I sat down and wrote the entire thing, from beginning to end, in a couple hours and it was eight pages long. So of course I had to go back through and trim the unnecessary fat to bring it down to the required six pages. One thing I omitted was the scene where Anna wakes. I originally had her see a Cardinal outside the window when she first opened her eyes - assuming you’re familiar with the saying, “When Cardinals appear, angels are near”. Just another hint at what might be going on. I really wish I had left that in and if I go back and rewrite some of this, that redbird will be the first thing that I will resurrect.  :)

Once again, thank you all for your words of wisdom. I learn so much from these OWCs and this one was no exception. Hugs to everyone!