This Old House by Imposter Syndrome Sufferer - Things escalate when an unhinged man is left alone in an old house with the memories it holds.  Short, Drama, Tragedy

Imposter Syndrome Sufferer,

Very sad script, but love how it played out with the usage of voice over vs. visuals. It was beautifully imaginative and you did a great job making sure the actions came off very clear. Great writing all around, and it had me captivated from page one.

Sean

Whew! This one is brutal. Too much with the sledgehammer.

I love the change of vibe at the end, that's what got me thinking... I feel you should have started with that, then could have shown the gradual deterioration of the house to mirror Dad's behaviour.

At the point where the couple are passionately kissing I would have led the audience down a merry path for a while then pulled the rug out. Show normality - more scenes like the child's height chart, the kid's room with dinosaur wallpaper, the child's laughter echoing through the house, maybe a loving note from the wife, then a to-do list with jobs crossed off etc. Then ramp up the nagging (not that nagging will lead to homicidal behaviour) :) lay out the breadcrumbs and sprinkle with indications that all is not what it seems. Maybe the red splotch on his shirt we at first think is paint. Ramp up the tension gradually then have it all come crashing down - Dad's gradual decline peaking to rage mirroring the state of the house in disrepair.

As soon as we see the bloodied hammer we know pretty much everything.

You used only five of the six pages so adding another page of normal Dad v Jack from The Shining would have meant a real shocking reveal.

Take or leave, jmho.
A really good premise but a narrative with no surprises. I hope you rewrite this.

P.S.
A few typos: notably faint not feint, it's it's,
succumb to the thick smoke.

Hmm, this is very well written but jeez!

I feel as it is I'd have liked a little more background and less VO as many of the key elements of the plot are expositional from Mom, maybe a flashback or two.

And this may be my optimistic streak but it didn't feel like he was the sort of person who'd kill a child, whoever the father actually was.

Strong effort.

Oh my.  That was a detailed and disturbing plummet into the dark world of insanity.  It was made even more realistic by the V. O. of the "voices" in his head.  Chilling.  And very effective IMO.  I tend to agree with Libby's thoughts above that maybe starting out with the happy family vibe and then gradually shifting to the murderous rage might be even more chilling - the "don't see it coming" angle.

If seeing graphic pictures in your mind from the writer's descriptions and not being able to get the grizzly and tragic story out of your head are the goals, then you have hammered out (forgive the pun) a very worthwhile and effective piece here.  Good job and thanks for sharing this (I think....shivers).

“Things escalate when an unhinged man is left alone in an old house with the memories it holds”

… and boy oh boy did they ever escalate, to infinity and beyond! Ok, picturing Buzz Lightyear at this point is just adding insult to injury for this poor family.

Scripts, or scenes like this are hard to build, or should I say write, to convey exactly what’s happening: weaving a tale of woe that includes the past and present somehow being linked via some thin gossamer to a frail mind. Actually, this appears to be a mind of insanity.

It carried vibes of ‘Amityville Horror’ for some reason. Maybe the house itself is insane and it slowly seeps into the minds of those who reside within. Of course, Dad endured the entire blunt force trauma of its evil presence, whilst Coby and Mom felt its evil presence via Dad.

Evil begets evil, and will destroy everything in its path, until there's nothing left to destroy but itself... hence using that which it has possessed to set itself ablaze.

Creepy, sad, surreal. Best of luck.

I always appreciate stories that delve into grim events without explicitly portraying violence on screen, and I believe you've nailed that here.

Not a lot to add that others haven't already - other than I thought this was great and my kind of grisly story!

My only nitpick, and this is very "jobs worth" and subjective - I think when your story moves into different rooms and you have a header like "KITCHEN" you should separate it with one space and not two spaces, as I believe two spaces should only be for new slugs. I just feel it would look/flow better with the one space - I know, totally jobs worth, right :)

Ahoy Imposter -- coming in late to your party.  Oh, Goddness, 'Tis the season to be scary, fa la la la la. Bloody-disgusting, but sad. Nice writing, clean and crisp. Nice white space. Personally, no probs with the exposition, but it might have been more effective if you had used a flashback or two. Just saying.  My 2 cents. And this, I'd echo some of my wingman's previous comments. Anywaz, good job! :)-A

Writer,

Well, this was bleak. And definitely a tragedy. I liked the writing style — easy to follow and descriptive.  I just feel it needed more of an explanation as to why Dad went as far as he did. Learning the truth about his wife and son is a tough pill to swallow, but you only mentioned he was deranged in your logline.  I don’t recall any mention of it in the story to give his actions some context. With the page count at 6, I get the limited space  to add stuff. Actually, Dad sounds a lot like me! My wife still bugs me to fix things I’ve long forgotten. Good thing my name is already Steve.

Steve

Powerful.

FADE TO SMOKE. I like it. (I once FADED TO BUTTERSCOTCH just because black is so boring.)

Nothing really to add. Good work. With another page or two for a more thorough setup, this'll be even better.

Good job.

This was well written. I could feel the collapse of the family although I agree, there should have been more fun times in the beginning to make the painful times more painful.

As it was, the painful parts were pretty hard.

This is the second story that used a lot of the same elements, from the burning down of the house to the voice overs of the late wife, even down to the measuring of the child with a ruler on the door jamb. Interesting that two writers were struck with similar notions about how to end a story. I will say I had to read this a couple of time to get clear in my head what was going on.  Maybe a bit too many voice overs happening here, but it is a gritty tale  of betrayal and revenge that ensnares an innocent child.  Well-written, but maybe lose some of the voice-overs in a re-write if you go that route. Best of luck.

Ok, This Old House...is very creepy...in a very good way.

The writer has crafted a very engaging "what have I done" story...and finally answered the question in my mind: where are the wife and child if they've been hammered to death?

There have been comments about the repetition of the Voice Over. I have seen this used differently when a character recalls a previous conversation:  (V.O./Memory). I think this variation adds to the tonality of the voice and it's purpose in the storytelling.

A nod to the writer:  Bloody good!

Hey writer,

That was hilarious :-)

Jokes!

That was bloody depressing. Still, it was very good given what it was about. The writing was clean and easy to follow and although similar to some of the other entrants, still felt fresh.

Good luck!

Lesson learned: Don't hit yourself in the head with a hammer.

The opening is nicely grim: a warning that something is wrong. It was a great absurd detail to have him haphazardly fix the broken table leg with a bloody hammer. What a weird and interesting thing to do. Overall, high marks.

My only complaint is that I couldn't figure out the timeline. At times it seemed like the murders were fairly recent. At other times, it felt like a fair amount of time had passed. A bit of clarification would help.

Thanks all for the comments! The original plan was to show more of his decent into madness but I just didn’t have the time. Pleased with how this was received though.

Can someone please correct the thread title though, it’s been bugging me all week  ;D