Calling Millie by Edgar Allan Poe - Three teenagers attempt to summon a long-dead child murderer for a social media video, but what they get instead will surely make the video go viral.  Short, Drama

Edgar Allan Poe,

Loved this spooky tale! Very goosebumps vibe. Was it actually the ghost of Millie killing the kids who dared to enter? Or was the house actually alive and would eat anyone who went inside? Or both! Whatever it is, I had a fun ride with this story. The art on the cover is a good touch too. Thanks, AI!

Sean

Your actual story didn't quite live up to your Logline which did grab me.

Overall I just found this needed a bit more oomph and suspense to be entirely satisfying. I also found it a bit too reminiscent of the urban myth, Bloody Mary. FYI, I wondered if this too was based on an urban myth. Search results came up with the murder of Millie Dowler - bit unfortunate. I'd change the name for that reason alone.

Ugh. Quit being so damn depressing.
Would probably change this line to: Quit being so melodramatic.

The other girls do half-hearted peace signs and hand waves to
the camera.

Wouldn't they have their game faces on for the camera, even if they're scared?

I liked that things ramped up with the summoning of MM and the house completely being blown apart at the seams. A few more screaming sound effects perhaps?

Nice ending with Ben and Angus but won't they be immune from the same fate if they don't know the summoning spell?

I really liked that the house rebuilt itself. That was a nice visual.

Personally, I'd be more specific with their ages, there's a massive difference between 13 and 19...

I thought this was a little by the numbers, and clearly they've not seen Candyman ;-) I did like the use of the house though.

I think you had a couple of more pages to work with so you could have built it a little more and made more use of the TikTok element.

But overall I liked it.

Ahoy Edgar -- ah, another creepypasta script. I'm a sucker for Urban Legends. Can't say I ever heard of this one though. Too lazy to go searching. :) Is it one you made up? Anywaz, no bells and whistles - just short and to the point. Simple. Brownie points for collapsing the shack. Do agree though, adding another page could punch things up here. Nevertheless I enjoyed it. That title page, oh Boy! Good job! :)-A

This was a fun and original take on what could be considered a modern-day Grimm Fairy tale. As opposed to the witch in Hansel and Gretel fattening up the kids to eat them, this house (or a witch incarnate) devours children who are seekers of social media clout, and dopamine… the ol’ house loves the dopamine, but having no arms or media device in and of itself, requires an urban legend and some dumb-ass teens to get the juices flowing.

The title page is fun, creepy, spooky and set the theme, so what followed appeared to have a whimsical, goose-bumpy thing going on for me. Best of luck.

Writer,

Pretty straightforward tale, but maybe too straightforward.  Maybe just me, but the girls making a Tik tok video gone wrong seems like it’s overdone.  Though I appreciate what you were going for, and I like the visuals you used. The front of the house like a face, and the house kind of eating the girls was a cool touch. Overall, not bad but nothing new here.

Steve

Hey Writer,

First off, got to give you bonus points for that excellent title page artwork!

Thought this was well-written, and giving the actual house a seemingly live role in the story is a clever touch.

I just think this kind of tale is a hard sell for a short page count - you don't have the time to build suspense, it was kinda over before it got started, if you know what I mean.

Nevertheless, with the artwork and the writing, plenty to admire here.

First impressions are important and I love your title page graphics!  I also love that this is very chilling and suspenseful without the gore (just my personal choice).  I also found myself wishing that I could purvey this onto several young "social media influencers" that keep popping up on my FB feed (annoying little imps) LOL.

Anyway, this meets all the OWC criteria and was an enjoyable read.  I think this one would so far be one of my top pics to see produced.  Very nice job, writer!

Hi Writer

Is that an AI generated image? Anyway, cool title page.

Another standard horror setup, curious teenagers seeking out creepy houses with an urban legend attached. I would however find another way of calling for the spirits rather than chanting the name 4 times, that has deffo been done a lot.
However I love the angle that the house in fact eats them, glad you didn't have a ghost/monster turn up, would make really cool imagery.
The trio vey happily start the chanting considering some had reservations about even going in, a chance to up the conflict there a bit.

I do wonder if this would be better shown as found footage/live feed?

Anyway, lovely job.

This is a very visual script.

The visuals are very well explained. Overall it's on the page and easy to understand.

I'd like it more if there was more depth to it, more of a story. And maybe you'll choose to extend it. For example, the TikTok bit could be taken further and played out more. Otherwise it's sort of wedged in.
I understand that you want to show us how the house returns back to normal to kill more children.
What if the next visitors are not children?

Good job overall.

Murdering Millie Crockett is a pretty cool name. You came with an inventive way to kill off your characters. Everything about this is competent, but it's somewhat standard.

Hey writer,

Gotta say I didn't think this was all that original but, I liked it more than I thought I would for this kind of thing. Was very easy to read, the dialogue felt believable, it's very visual, and anthropomorphising the house was a great touch!

My only real criticism is I think it'd be toughicult to do on a low budget.

Good work!

Neat title page.

This got me wondering if Millie was actually a killer or not. Maybe she was just an oddball who got the blame for the shack consuming anyone who walked inside it.

Not a whole lot to say one this, was a well-written standard horror story.

I do think this will make a pretty good short without the constraints of this challenge. I want to know more about Millie and this shack.

Good work.

I'm bummed that you left two full pages on the table that could have further built the suspense. That's a good sign, I suppose, as it means I want more.

This is well written. Yes, it's not horribly original, but I still enjoyed the ride. The house essentially eating the girls felt like the most original element, and also the element that felt most effective. Give me more of that!

Overall, good job. Enjoyed it.

First of all, really dig the cover page. It’s a real tone setter and lays the foundation for the upcoming story.  Good use of AI there.

The story was a bit of a twist on the urban myth of Candyman, but rather than a monster appearing, the monster is instead the cabin.  That was unique, especially with the twist at the end of the house reappearing after it collapses in consuming the girls. Nice way to destroy the cabin.

I think if it would really help to have a couple of more pages to draw out the story a little, so we understand why the girls are there to begin with – how did they find the house, or why are they specifically using that house?  I think you tried with Josie speaking to the camera and talking about Murdering Millie but I think it could still use a little more exploring of the story.  Good writing on display.  Best of luck with it.  

This was an enjoyable story about a proverbial fly trap in the woods collecting victims.

I found it quite clever.

I guess you created the title page to communicate the tone of the story -- scary but not horrifying.

But maybe it should be more horrifying because the writing style and story building to me is very good until the climax.

I doubt Murdering Millie Crocket killed her victumes  by collapsing a house or shack on them, so what if she did it with a shovel, or a fire iron, or pitch fork. If you incorporate an unusual weapon into the legend and then leverage the appearance of that in their savage death it might add more gravitas to their demise.  

And if the weapon was on the ground as the boys approached the house and horsed around with it...we would know what's next but not have to see it.

Your premise is good - like Blair Witch - which screwed with out imagination, and with those yet blank pages you could really mess with out minds!