House Divided by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Bob V. Lah - Short, Drama - A couple reaps the consequences of a long held disagreement. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Bob V. Lah,

Not sure how I feel about this one. Like, I wanted to laugh and smile at the ridiculousness of it, but at the same time, I felt...defeat? I don't know. It was a strange juxtaposition of emotions I was feeling.

The ending was a kind of punch in the gut that honestly didn't hit me the way it could have. And that is no fault on you. The visual of it is just the final blow below the belt, by taking away an entire half of the house.

Hilarious. Sad. Conflicted feelings haha.

It was a good read no matter what. Good job.

Sean

Probably a Brit thing but I get a deja vu to an old episode of Steptoe & Son ;-)

Some nice visuals here but the story meanders a little and there's some weird inconveniences like the dropped phone... not sure that was needed or relevant.

Loved the not apologising bit.

Half the house logic doesn't quite work for me BUT would make for a great end visual.

First off, I declare you the winner of "best pen name", Mr. Lah.  That's awesome LOL!  As to the story, it's a quirky little comedic, albeit sad comment on human nature - especially within the confines of a marriage or long-term relationship.  How many of us have dug our heels in and took things to near this level just to prove a point?  Technically, I can find zero flaws. Obviously a skilled writer here.  The visual descriptors of the scenes paint a picture that easily comes to life.

Excellent job writer, thanks for sharing this.  

Ahoy Bob -- well, it must have been some disagreement for things to get that extreme. :D It was funny, but I didn't laugh. Um, like, have you ever laughed at someone who pretended to stutter? There's nothing funny about someone who stutters, but peeps laugh. They're amused, but they're not happy about it. Hmm...that's how I felt. Sort of speak. Actually, it's just sad it comes to this when you've been in a loving relationship with some one. All I'm saying. :)

Anywaz, happy I read it. It was quirky, and fun overall. Good Job! :)-A

This reminded me of The War of the Roses: “a movie about an extremely bitter married couple going through a divorce. Neither of the two are willing to give up the elegant, nice house they live in.”

Of course, there’s no indication the couple in this script is going through a divorce, just a bitter feud, and even when death is knocking at the door, are still (each) able to hold their ground.

Curiously, I heard rumors that the War of the Roses was about Martha Stewart's bitter divorce, with all the similarities to one of the main characters. Then your pseudonym: Bob V. Lah (Bob Vila), host of the popular television show ‘This Old House’, which could best be described as the Martha Stewart of home renovations.

Too many coincidental clues to be an accident, or was it, hmm, ah, hmm?

The ending was a good payoff, showing Richard is willing to go the long haul to state he “never did anything wrong”, including letting his other half pass away by taking the moral high ground, so a quick salute to Richard for taking that stance but a serious WTF for taking that stance. Works well for the theme, best of luck.

Hi writer,

I wanted to like this more than I did. I really enjoyed the premise, and even not knowing what the issue was that caused their division. It worked. Actually, I guess I did like this about as much as I could. Good visuals and a good ending! Never mind. I liked this a lot. Very good work here!

Steve

I was worried this was some sort of shaggy dog story with the repetitious descriptions of everything divided but I got it. I thought her dialogue re: dying ("this is it') seemed odd and unnatural but as a comedy I let it pass. I like that the cause of the argument is left vague- it's not necessary, really.

I enjoyed the absurdity of this. Extra points for having Richard clean just one side of the toilet. I also like that they cannot bring themselves to make amends for whatever led the the great division of the property. Nice detail of him trying to step over the line for the first time. Lots to like overall.

I was confused by the appearance of the lawyer, which was followed by a whistle and let's go. Not sure what's going on there.

I almost feel like this would be more powerful if he simply could not bring himself ever to step over the line and continued to live sadly on his side of the house, even after Lizzie's demise.

Is there some Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton thing going on here?

Hi Writer

When he goes to the toilet, I was expecting him to aim his piss only on the left side of the toilet bowl  ;D

Quoted Text Finally, he rotates the bed cover so that the stripe on it runs sideways.

Clever.

Hahaha! She took half the house after her death. Spiteful from a distant argument, but hilarious.

It was absurd, and I loved it.

Ha!

I really liked this. A very quirky yet original take on the theme of the OWC.

That said, doesn't it only half meet the criteria?

Really good stuff!

This was crazy-fun. I found myself shaking my head with a smile. I wondered throughout they whole story how this would end.

Spoiler alert: It ends pretty much like it began. I liked this.

First, great idea for the story, although I would quibble with whether there was a cabin involved, but not sure I cared because of the clever nature of the story, especially the ending.  Great wrap-up to everything and I especially enjoyed the moment with Richard trying to help Lizzy without going across the line.  That was a nicely drawn moment.

I suppose my only concern about the story was the over-description of the house-divided.  I think we had the idea pretty early on, but you kept carrying the description on to reinforce your idea.  I would perhaps just dial it back a touch.  That’s a minor nit to pick but overall I found this truly enjoyable.  Easily my favorite so far.

This was a funny and very unique story.

Even though it ended with a death I couldn't help but smile at the absurdity of the house being divided in two like it was. Even in the final moments of seeing each other they still couldn't get over their disagreement. I'm curious as to what the disagreement was for it to be that crazy.

I find one thing odd in this though. They have divided every room in this house, Richard won't cross that division line to get her phone (let alone his own phone that bounced over) to call for help, yet he still buys her groceries and even looks for items she likes.

Anyways, well done with this entry.

I'm not divided about this one.

Loved it!

I think you had a really inspired idea. And you had me up until the toilet - that was far fetched. And the fact he actually shopped for her as well as himself. And the final act where clearly an ambulance needs calling - he was the one with two phones, but he chooses not to make the call. :)

I think my opinion comes down to creative choices and whether I'd enjoy watching this film. I'd like the version where these two are forty years younger and a medical emergency brings them back together and they realise finally what they stood to lose. That would be a crowd pleaser. That's the conventional approach and I understand you decided to go the other way, verging on satirical - even a little allegorical given the strife in this world.

All that said, this is well written, and a sound idea. It just didn't make me feel much emotionally - which is my gauge.

Well, I lost LC and that's always a bad sign. (Though, in my defense, she had the two phones.)

Anyway, the original title was "Bitter Half." I was looking to write something along the lines of War of the Roses.

But, as I started to write, I saw that they were actually being nice to each other. And, that made me think: It's WAY more interesting if they have strong, decades-long relationship with just one major flaw.

That's why he buys her groceries. They love each other. They care about each other. They've just been in this argument so long, they've totally integrated it into their lives. It no longer even occurs to either of them that they can break the rules--even in this important moment. That level of acceptance is also why Richard, at the end, just accepts half the house being torn down...of course that's the next step...and even continues to live there. (As implausible as that is.)

Oh, and thanks for all the reads and comments!!!! This place is the best.

Quoted from PKCardinal Well, I lost LC and that's always a bad sign. (Though, in my defense, she had the two phones.) Anyway, the original title was "Bitter Half." I was looking to write something along the lines of War of the Roses. But, as I started to write, I saw that they were actually being nice to each other. And, that made me think: It's WAY more interesting if they have strong, decades-long relationship with just one major flaw. That's why he buys her groceries. They love each other. They care about each other. They've just been in this argument so long, they've totally integrated it into their lives. It no longer even occurs to either of them that they can break the rules--even in this important moment. That level of acceptance is also why Richard, at the end, just accepts half the house being torn down...of course that's the next step...and even continues to live there. (As implausible as that is.)

Paul, my mistake in not reading that bit properly
re the phones.
And, you just did a great job of selling me your story too. :)

P.S. There are no losers in an OWC.

Quoted from LC Paul, my mistake in not reading that bit properly re the phones. And, you just did a great job of selling me your story too. :) P.S. There are no losers in an OWC.

Oh, it ain't no thing. Just having a little fun 'splainin' what this story is SUPPOSED to be. It came close to being its best self, but, there's definite room for improvement. Re: the phone...I'm going to take that moment and make it active. Richard will scramble to dial the phone and drop it on the wrong side of the line. Can't believe I didn't think to do that in the first place.

No matter. Unless someone has a house they can tear down...this one's not getting made. Still, I've got a few little touches to put on it...just for me.

As for no losers in an OWC...ya' got that right. Just having another short in the portfolio makes me feel good. I just love these things.