Bad Intentions by Mr. Rothman - A trio of delinquents get more than they bargained for when they decide to check out a local urban legend.  Short, Horror, Slasher

Ahoy Mr. Rothman -- well... I'm always down for a creepypasta scary story. :) I like your natural ability to tell a visual story. This was fast, and easy to read. Kudos. I was hoping for the ending to be slightly less cliche though, or some sort of cool twist. But that's just me. Luv the dialogue, it has spark. Nevertheless it was a blast to read. Nothing to nitpick. Good Job! :)-A

Mr. Rothman,

This was a fun urban legend-type story. You definitely have a knack for gross-out visuals and being quick to get to the action. The child giggling in the dark was creepy, too, and I like the visual of the hatchet coming down on Homicide's head being a quick SMASH TO BLACK moment.

I was hoping for just a bit more with a kind of twist, or resolution of the story/urban legend. But alas, this is a fun slasher micro-short that has everything it needs.

Good job,

Sean

Well-written but a little bit too by the numbers for me, and whilst the cabin is present it felt perfunctory to the Candyman-esque tale.

Took me a while to realise that Monster was already inside the cabin, not sure if that was me being dense or if it could have been clearer.

However, I did like the characters, well drawn and good interplay (until they died ;-) )

Good effort

Hi Writer

Feels like the opening scene to a horror flick.

Pretty off-the-shelf horror stuff, and the whole monster in the back seat felt a bit cliche. But even so, it was well-written, characters felt authentic and I'm sure horror fans would love it. I guess it's just not my genre.

All the best

Hey writer,

This is the second horror themed entry I've read and like the other one it felt fairly contrived and cliched, but, as the writing was really damn good I'm happy to overlook that.

I did have to go back to reread the initial dialogue though as I was confused about the third character (Monster), so perhaps that could be a bit clearer.

Really good work!

Well, at least this started out with a laugh for me - a tough chic named "Homicide".  Gotta love that.  From there, the tension proceeded to raise my blood pressure a few clicks.  This is obviously the work of an experienced horror writer - in their hands, the building of suspense is perfectly presented.  I knew there would most likely be a slasher ending, but couldn't help but keep reading until the end.  Very nice (if cringe worthy) tale here and meets all criteria for the OWC as far as I can tell.  Good luck with this and thanks for sharing in the OWC!

Hi Writer,

Well paced and well written and well told. The one problem I have here is that it’s a generic slasher. Effective, but generic. If you had come up with a hook, a twist or given us something we haven’t seen before then you may be onto something here! Overall good, just needed more to put it over the top.

Steve

I like the banter in the beginning. I think I have a crush on Homicide.

The action carried things along. The fast pace and the action swinging around with different imagry flashing around had the look and feel of an amusement park dark ride. It kept it exciting.

Love the names. Seriously fun idea to go out on that particular limb. Just that one detail brought the characters to life in a big way.

I do wish the rest of the script was equally as inventive. Super well written, and fun because of it, but Mabel popping up in the back seat was as disappointing as the names were surprising.

Thankfully, that's an easy fix!

Story was written well-enough, and Homicide is nicely drawn character, and there is definitely some creepiness factor in its favor, but…what’s the story about?  Why are they at the building to begin with?  Did I miss that? I’d kind of like to know what their motivation is for being there, and whether that ties in to why Mabel (or whoever is doing the mutilations) is taking it out on these poor saps.  You don’t need an extra page to explain that, just maybe a line or two from one of the characters to lay the background.

Sorry, you utilized my single most hated trope in movies — the tripping over a tree root and falling while running from something. Please use anything but that if you do a rewrite.  It’s really unimaginative.  You also use the trope of someone in the back seat — but if you’re going to use that, stop at the point where Mabel reveals herself and then Homicide’s freak out when she realizes someone is there, then smash to black.  I think that would be a much more effective ending.

Overall not bad writing at all — just need a little more to the story to make it really shine.

Love the character's names. Great opening line: Five out of nine. That's a lot of flipped coins. The script is loaded with attitude, which is a real asset. Great gore. The story is a little straightforward, but the sheer vibe makes it stand out.

Excellent characterizations. Well-developed tension. Engaging dialogue. This story was in the hands of a good writer, and I hoped for an unexpected ending...but I didn't get it.

If you are thinking of taking another swing at the climax, I would bet good money you would craft a more ingenious demise for Homicide.

Thanks for the read!

This was fast and furious. Not really my bag o’ gore, but I’m sure there’s an audience out there somewhere waiting for this to evolve into a visual medium. Writing is crisp, and graphic, so… not your first ro-DAY-o I presume.

The character ‘Monster’ wasn’t properly introduced at the beginning, so I had a hard time following what Homicide was screamin’ about half the time, that is, until it made sense.

G.G. Allin (and the 'Murder Junkies' I think they were called?). Funny, some dude I worked with back in the late 90s gave me a DVD with various snippets of his live performances. I almost puked at some of the things this guy (G.G. Allin) did on stage, I won’t go into it, but I assume you know what I mean, lol.

Anyway, not much to say that hasn’t been said by other comments except it was as gnarly as Homicide’s Mullet. Best of luck.