The House That Whispers by Reverend Henry Dawson Ellis Bull - In a desolate neighborhood, two young boys confront the eerie secrets of an infamous haunted house.  Short, Horror

Writer,

First one out the gate.

I liked the pace, the mood and the setup. Some fine writing on display.  Cool idea. Chuckled a few times. Laughed out loud at the end.

Fast read. No nit-picks. It was a joy to read. Fine entry you got here.

All the best,

Ghost

Writing-wise, I'm not a fan. Overwritten. Typos. An orphan. Blah blah, you get it.

Good news is that you nailed the stuff that matters. Good character work. Fun setup, with some solid suspense. A little predictable, but you presented the tale well. Meets the challenge.

Solid work here. :)

DANNY
(hopeful)
Doesn't look like we can get in.

Suggestion: Use (relieved) as a wrylie instead of hopeful. Danny needs an excuse to hightail it outta there and just found the perfect reason. :)

All good Horror movies need light relief.

CARL
By who?
Change this to 'whom' - it would add humour and character.

Then have Danny reply with;

DANNY
Really?

Of course switch the dialogue cause Carl's the brave one.

Btw, I love the way the brave characters always make the nervous (smart) ones take the scary challenge. I didn't catch on he was being set up. Now I think of it though because of that there should be some debate about why Danny has to go first, apart from him not being a wimp.

Last, the whisper room door slams shut...

You don't need 'last' in this line. Far more effective without it.

Anyway, almost perfect, I do think you need it to be clear Carl was entombed in the house with your final visual.

A genuinely scary premise (echoes of Talk to Me) and well executed.

P.S. Dialogue CONT'D should be uppercase, but you can turn them off in software for a more seamless read. Oh, and the boys need flashlights.

Love the 'Scream' font to finish with.

Hi writer

A simple well told story.

No issues with the writing, flowed nicely. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fits perfectly into the genre and horror fans would love it.

Nice entry.

The idea is actually pretty cool: a house that whispers secrets, or answers. Poor Danny, all he wanted to know was where his Mom was  :'(

I have to ask, how many times has Carl done this to some naïve kid, getting their hopes up, then… well, you get the gist.

In the end it seemed Carl got what was coming to him, so not all is lost. Somewhat trivial as to who or what served his comeuppance though. Was it the house, or someone he once pulled that trick on, patiently waiting within the dark shadows of the whisper room, waiting, waiting, until... Best of luck.

Nasty prank to pull on Danny.

A part of me wanted it to be Danny who was speaking to him when he thought he was alone but knew there was no possible way.

Not a whole lot to say about this. It was a nice and quick read with a simple story and a good ending.

Good job

Hey writer,

Another solid horror entry.

I liked the writing. Generally very clean with little superflous clutter. Thought it was starting to drag a little nearer the end and did wonder where it was going, but you did a great job of wrapping it all up nicely.

From a production standpoint it'd be dirt cheap, too! Kind of thing I could see getting picked up for sure.

Good work!

Great little story here.  A bit of scary but with a satisfying dose of Karma at the end.  Technically - very good IMO, I see no glaring errors.  An enjoyable read that fits the criteria perfectly.  Like others, I loved the "Scream" font at the end.  Nice job, writer!  

I'm liking the layers of this script. Something happened to Danny's mom, but what? Was it the house? Carl's prank plays cruelly into this...I mean, sheesh...Danny doesn't know what happened to his mom and Carl's reaction is to prank him about it? That's levels of evil. So, yeah, not feeling too bad about his demise.

I was curious to see how you'd wrap this up. And, you gave us a bit of a twist, if not a slight bit predictable.

All in all, the script worked. But, I'd say, if you were ever going to expand this, I think the whisper room angle is more interesting than the prank angle. I could see room for a bigger story there.

Good job overall. Thanks for letting me read it!

I like the artistic ending. Quite original and appropriate.

I felt bad for Danny and I felt that the house felt bad too. It made the ending more enjoyable.

I like this! Nice and scary. Good descriptions and story. Carl is a jerk and got what he deserved.  

Quoted Text surrounded by a rusty chain-link fence that seems to keep the house confined rather than trespassers out.

I love this line of description.

And the last word of the script, never thought of ending it that way. Reminds me of the Scary Stories to Tell In The Dark stories where you SCREAM the last word at the end to get a jump from the audience.

This was a fun script. I was spooked, even by Carl's prank. His line reminded me of the line from Evil Dead Rise "Mommy's with the maggots now." But, I digress...

Great, spooky script. Loved it.

Sean

Writer,

Hey good job here! A lot to like in this script. You had a great premise, a set up, a reveal, then a twist. Can’t ask for much more. The imagery was descriptive, though, as for the parameters, I’m not sure you’d find an entire neighborhood of shit houses! But a minor nitpick and easily fixable. My favorite line was the mention of how the chain link fence seemed to keep the house confined as opposed to keeping others out. Like the house was so evil it had to be restrained! Awesome!

Steve

I’m with Paul – I think the whisper room has more potential as a story than a prank pulled on a poor kid.  I like that the kid got the ultimate comeuppance, so that was fund to see.  Good job on the storytelling and a nice effort here.

"The House That Whispers" deserves a shout out: excellent story building!

Suspensful, tension rising, and the bully prankster gets skewered.

Good job, thanks for the ride!

My favorite line is "Paint peeling like blistered skin." I also like the ominous reply of "Being eaten by worms." I would like to see this expanded just a bit. It's a solid story, but perhaps a bit familiar as it stands.