Simple Little Home by Tis a Gift - A dying old man visits his home before it gets demolished, but he has a plan.  Short, Drama

Ahoy Tis a Gift -- aww, that was bittersweet. Sad. Actually. Predictable, yes. but It evokes emotion very effectively methinks. Not much to add, really. Cute little story. Anywaz, what a joy to read. Not even going to bother to nit-pick. Good job. :)-A

Oh, that's a sad story.
Good job, writer.

I don't know if you need "how long the doctor gave Richard to live" bit. It didn't play out. It doesn't matter really, I think. I thought it was a nice thing that Denise is worried about Richard and wants to talk. And it will help them bond and save the house. In this case you would need it, but I don't see you using it.
Just my thoughts.

Congrats on remembering about the challenge, and completing it with a solid script.

I've only had the chance to read a handful of the entries, but I'm going to start with this one, because so far, it's my fave.  I'm going to echo Andrea above that it is bittersweet, emotional and a pleasure to read.  I'm a sucker for a tear-jerker and this one checked all the boxes.  I have an idea swirling in my head as to who wrote this, but will keep that to myself until time for "Guess who wrote what".

Good job writer, your visuals in this were right on and the story fit perfectly into the parameters for the OWC.  Best of luck with this excellent entry!

Not sure the initial slug 'Abandoned lot' matches with the subsequent description, might be worth tweaking it.

A bit lost with Richard arising from his chair to go to his house, is the chair in the middle of the abandoned lot?

Minor bugbear of mine, but dropping a lit cigar onto a floor won't make a house go up in flames like that.

Geography of the scene aside this is a poignant tale that (imho) could do with a polish.

Hi Writer

Probably a little convoluted having both Dennis and Marie, It might benefit from having one or the other. There is also mention of a Mr Leech and a foundation, which i don't see how it plays into the story at all.

Seems a little odd they want to move their elderly, ill dad into a 5 bedroom, three bathroom home. Would it have a bit more emotional punch if they were trying to get him into some kind of assisted living retirement place?

But, its a very moving story. I assume what was actually in the catheter bags was some kind of accelerant?.
I also like that the fire service were going to use it, but he burned it down himself. A bit pig-headed maybe but I think it fits his character.

Nice entry

Hello

This was a nice story in my mind. I enjoyed reading about an old man so passionate as to want the simple things and not over the top living space at his age.

Your story has good characters, a good story plot, and resolution.

Great job!

I quite liked this little story.

My suggestion would be to tighten things up just a bit. The heart of the story is the father and his memories of his son in this house. So, laser focus on that. Drop the wife. Drop the foundation call. Drop building a new house.

Son takes his dad to see the house one last time (I like the above suggestion of assisted living/nursing home). Dad relives his memories in the house. Asks for a moment alone. Kills himself rather than accept the new arrangement.

That's the story. Anything outside of that just blunts the impact.

Good stuff as it sits. But, I think if you experiment with tightening, you'll see it really sing.

Tis a Gift,

Another sad story here. I wasn't expecting the ending to go in that direction, but seems he is a captain going down with his ship.

Nice plan using the catheter bags to hold the gasoline. Or, so I presume.

Good job.

Sean

Although not stated, I get the consensus that Richard’s wife passed away and he doesn’t want to leave the house simply because of all the fond memories from within. As well, you state it’s been a year since all his belongings have been removed and put in storage, so perhaps he was living at a nursing home, or with his son Dennis and Marie?

Either way, I suppose he’d been planning his final move for some time now, from wherever he was previously to the final house visit. My only gripe, or question… is his son is still alive so why would he feel so compelled to take his own life? He speaks highly of family, even having a flash memory of his wife marking the height of his son on a door jamb, so that left me somewhat confused as to his actions.

Mind you, I guess having prostate cancer is the mother of all “what the hell have I?” scenarios, and Richard probably thought if he’s gonna go soon, then he's gonna go out on his own terms. This way, at least he’ll be satisfied knowing the house he once called a home is coming with him, timber by timber... to wherever that may be. Best of luck.

Hey writer,

Good job with taking the theme in another direction. I found the location setting a little confusing, partly due to the slugline and the following description, but that's an easy fix.

The story itself is very touching though. In fact the first thing I did after reading it was to WhatsApp my mrs to remind her we should measure the kids as it's been a while.

Oh and although the ending was a perhaps a bit far fetched, we're just writing fiction here, so I'm happy to overlook that.

Good luck!

Wowee.  What a sad little story, but I can definitely commiserate with Richard. I agree with others that it would have packed more punch if he was having to move into an assisted living facility or a tiny apartment.  I also couldn’t empathize with the kids of wanting to strike while the iron was hot while dad is wilting away.  But you still conveyed a solid story with nice imagery, and while the ending was a bit predictable, it was still a nice turn and visceral way to end it. Good job here.

Writer,

Not a bad little tale here. However, imo, the images of Richard and his catheter and multiple bags was a bit much. Not sure if you needed to include the visual on that. Also, the son insisting his dad tell him how much longer he has seemed out of place here. Seems a little strange that the agent is just holding up a picture of the new house — not sure why she wouldn’t take them to a demo or something. Anyway, I’m going on, but I just feel that this may have been more effective if handled differently to get to where the story eventually wound up. Good job either way, writer!

Steve

Oh gasoline in the catheter bags! I missed that. Well done there then!

Steve

This is a sad story that hit me rather hard. I was pulled in and identified with Richard.

I did not expect a twist so the ending was quite a surprise for me.

Well done.

A sad, angry, and disappointed old man is Richard. (Where is Burgess Meredith when we need him?)

A well told story. Richard on the way out, with kids who want him to build a new home so after he's gone they can move in!

Nice writing, one of my favorites!

I really like the idea of a man walking through his house for the last time. I've sometimes imagined what it would be like to re-visit my childhood homes. If there is ever an open house sign in front of one of them, I might check it out.

Although I love the sentiment of this story, the execution is a bit off for me. The picture placed in front of Richard's face at the beginning threw me off. Why is a woman showing him a picture? Is he actually going to buy a new house in his condition? I don't understand the line about letting the fire department burn the place down. If Richard is going to burn the place, why would he go to the trouble of getting the fire department involved? It is still a little rough around the edges.