The Confrontation by Nick Le - Short, Drama, Gangster - In the realm of power and deception, The Irishman and The Italian, two formidable mob bosses, enters a meeting that escalates into a high-stake game of cat and mouse, where secrets, betrayal, and greed threatens to jeopardize their empires. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Have a fun read guys. I’m open for comments.

Nick Le

Hey, Nick! Hope you're doing good!

The story is pretty simple—a revenge tale. There is tension along with the engaging interaction. The phone recording seems to come out of nowhere. Did the recording happen during the mafia meeting? If so, you could add off-screen sounds that indicate something is happening between the bodyguard and the bouncer.

There are two typos that I spotted.

That's none of your business, in fact, everything that happened in this room will not concern any longer. - will not be a concern any longer or will not concern you any longer

Well, I guess, there's only one option. Only of us is getting out alive. - only one of us is getting out alive

Good luck.

Hey Yuvraj, I’ve found the typos, thank you reminding me, and thank you for your comments on my screenplay, have a good one, and happy writing. To the Oscars we go.

Nick Le

Any other comments ? From anybody ? I’m just checking, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted. Oh well, have a good read guys.

Nick Le

My other works:

- Do you swear to tell the truth (Feature)
- Hernando Tellez’s Lather or Nothing Else (Adapted short)
- The Man Who Wrote Love (Feature, co-written with Andrew Kirby)

Nick, a few pointers for you:

INT. UNDERGROUND - HALLWAY - SOME UNKNOWN TIME

A DIMLY LIT HALLWAY, empty, scoured with RED AND BLUE NEON
LIGHTS, spreading ...

Your opening slug gives us the location so no need to repeat what's in that header in description.
In this case, Hallway.
Suggestion: Red and blue neon lights illuminate the long passageway.

Same here:
INT. UNDERGROUND - DOOR OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
…the meeting room. There’s a BOUNCER (20s) outside,
guarding. Then The Irishman approaches the bouncer…

Suggestion:
INT. UNDERGROUND - MEETING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The Irishman approaches a BOUNCER, 20s, guarding the door.

Where you write a location in a header, no need to repeat it.

LOW ANGLE SHOT, FACING THE WALL, AND THE FLOOR
THE CAMERA STAYS THERE, until…

Unless this is a shooting script, avoid, (for the most part) camera directions.

A MAN’S LEGS, taking each step, passing through. Then CAMERA
TILTS UP to our CHARACTER, this is THE IRISHMAN (50s), he’s
a gangster, behind him, revealed, IT’S HIS BODYGUARD (30s).

Learn how to describe POVs and evoke atmosphere  without the camera.
'He's a gangster'. Show us this, don't tell us. Describe his formidable stature, the suit he wears, the high-end shoes, perhaps some gaudy jewellery,

THE IRISHMAN
(To his bodyguard)
Parentheticals should be all lower case. (to his bodyguard)

The Italian shows a welcoming attitude towards The Irishman, then The Irishman
smiles…
How does he welcome him? Does he wave his hand for the man to sit, offer him a drink?

Your dialogue stretches are way too long. People don't generally talk in big long paragraphs. These guys are tough guys. There would likely be an economy of words, lots of gestures, loaded silences, nods - not a lot of exposition.

THE IRISHMAN
I would like to remind you that the
job of a Don, a boss, is to
maintain order and peace within the
family and the ranks,

The Irishman's likely to get popped just for that line alone. He's essentially daring to tell a Mafia Don what his job is!

THE IRISHMAN
Not much, just some missing pounds
of coke, and a few pints of blood,
you know the lads got family too,
they gotta make a living

Have the Irishman shake his head or wave his hand dismissively , perhaps, a gesture that indicates minimal damage - it was nothing
.
Then, reduce that para to bare minimum.

A few pounds of coke, a few pints of blood.
He's trying to be cool and casual. That line above would show it more than a long paragraph.

Maybe then he adds something to concede he's not all that happy about it:
My lads have to make a living too, you know?

The Italian responds:

THE ITALIAN
Like I said, I couldn't be more
regretful of what happened.

THE IRISHMAN
And like I said, I appreciate it.

Throw in some Italian words, some Irish flavour.

Maybe your Italian guy instead says:

Scusa. Me ne pento
(Excuse me, I regret it).

It doesn't matter if an audience doesn't know what it means.  

Of course your Irishman responds as if he understands every word and says something like:

(nodding)
Aye. Grand. Good to see we're on the same page.

Something like this could add some humour to the proceedings. They both have little clue what the other is saying half the time. Humour but loaded with danger.

Add some comedic elements and have their misunderstanding each other lead to their deaths even. Both of them. No-one wins.

You need something to elevate this stereotypical story of mob bosses. You need something out of left field that an audience won't see coming. At the moment we can guess one of them will die in a hail of bullets so try for something unexpected.

A battle of wits more than weapons.
And try to get the tone right for these two very different characters with very different cultural backgrounds.

Hope this helps.

Hey Libby, it's Nick here

I'm not taking this thing as a sort of humor thing, I'm trying to write a story where two gangsters meet up, and from there a parley went wrong, and I kinda need some feedbacks on how the story mandates. Yes, your comments are helpful to me, since I'm still learning. I'm gonna thru each details here, about the scene headings, I'm sort of a precise type of writer, I don't like it when I just show that this is the LIVING ROOM, or this character's living room, no, I prefer to be more precise on where exactly I want the headings to be, when I'm writing, I tend to be more specific, I would love to emphasizes that we are at this house, instead of just THE house, I want the readers to actually KNOW where they are standing at, like they're in the KITCHEN of THE HOUSE, and also, I learned this technique from J.J Abrams' screenplay of The Force Awakens, and also from Studiobinder. It became very useful because it tells everyone where they are.

And to the question, I'm a perfectionist, I put my mind and my point of view in every angle of the screenplay, don't take this the wrong way, but it's just a recurring thing that I have to do, I always try to be precise in the way I want it to look like, since my dream job is also directing and writing, it becomes a trademark (In simple terms, it became a programmed code when writing), since I'm making short films in high school for skill settings.

Now the part about the execution of the screenplay, I do admit, it's a little bit troubling, but honestly no offense, it's a little frustrating when the actual story gets ignored, I always thought that when screenwriters write their screenplays, there can be multiple creative ways to show images, well I'm adopting and making new ways to write, so please don't judge me on that. I'm really trying here.

Now, concluding this, I respect you, Libby, and I love this page, but please don't take these comments the wrong way, I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm just trying to make an assumption here, that's all. No offense to you or anyone who's reading now, that's all. Like I said, I appreciate your comments. That's all, have a good one.

Nick Le

Nick, I completely understand you were not writing this script with a comedic angle.

There's nothing for me to take offense to.
And, I did read the whole story.

Ultimately you can write a script however you choose to. You can load it with camera angles, and use coloured fonts (I actually know a writer who does this) :) You can set your own style, use repetition and shun industry standard. That's your prerogative. Or, as a beginner Spec writer you can read a lot of scripts and study books on the craft and get really good at it without sacrificing your own style.

By your own admission you're new to this.
I gave you honest feedback. It's up to you as the writer to decide what you take or leave.

Hey Libby,

Well, when I write, I tend to learn a lot. I’ve read a lot of Shane Black, Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian, Eric Roth, and Quentin Tarantino, and lots of other writers (basically any writer that won an Oscar for their writing). When I write, I tend to incorporate a lot of elements from my inspirations mentioned above, and also adding some of my own colors and twists. Also, I take your feedback really well, as I writer, I can’t deny that mistakes can be made (but that makes us special, b/c everybody makes a mistake all the time).

I don’t usually read books, so it all just self taught all over again. But the point is, I still have a lot to learn, and I like posting my work, and I also enjoy the discussions, it gives me new inspirations and techniques. I’ll take your word for my next work, and I’ll see if it fits well. Until that happens, it all begins with an idea.

I maybe posting my most personal work about one month from now, hope you’ll give me some advices or comments on that (kinda hope you shed a tear on that).

Just out of curiosity, who’s the writer that you’ve mentioned earlier, I might wanna look at that writer’s work. That’s all, thank you for the comments, and the emotional roller coaster. I’ll see you when I see you, have a good one.

Nick Le

Nick, I look forward to reading your tear-jerker.
Bump it when it appears. :)

Hey Libby,

Who’s the writer you mentioned with all the colors ?

EC Henry. He has a website I believe, and chimes in on another site. I don't advocate coloured fonts though, and it hasn't gone down well so I wouldn't think of emulating it.