I'm working on my first Pilot. This is the opening teaser.   5 pages.

Title: Predation
Genre: Crime/Drama
Logline: After losing his job to defunding, a cop turns to a former mobster in witness protection for help in becoming a career criminal.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16pmmMSm0LhLuZ4CpcPCKH2FPExrns3Sc/view?usp=sharing


Any feedback will be appreciated.  Thanks!

Hey Kevin,

Me again :)

I read the teaser and picked up on a black comedy vibe, which works great for me. I assume that's what you're aiming for, perhaps not strictly black comedy but in the vein of "Breaking Bad." Regardless, the tone is set effectively.

So, Balaclava man is the mobster, and Arwen is obviously the former cop; you introduce us to both central characters in characteristic actions, which, in my opinion, is precisely what you should be doing. Based on the last couple of scenes, I get the impression that Arwen is somewhat gullible and easily led?

So my only suggestion would be to look for further opportunities in the teaser to show these two at their most characteristic. Admittedly, Arwen doesn't seem particularly gullible in the early parts, just at the end where he seemingly buys the "kidnap your wife story" - unless I read that wrong?

Cheers,

Colin

Colin,

I really appreciate you taking a look and for the suggestions.  Yeah, I want him gullible at first.    I wish I could write something as good as Breaking Bad. Lol.   The bad part would still need a miracle to get it into the hands of the right people.  


Thanks again!

Kevin