One Too Many Fish by Steven Clark - Short, Romance, Comedy - Having met the girl of his dreams on a dating site, a lonely bachelor is ready to take the next step, that is, until he meets her "folksy" parents. 20 pages

Production: Four speaking roles; Three Locations

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Steve & Erik,

I liked this and there's a lot of clever lines and things that made me chuckle. It is my favourite genre after all. That said I feel it could run a little smoother. Fom the start everything is a bit over-egged and I feel it would benefit from paring everything back a bit. Perhaps this comes from two writers chiming in with ideas?

ROBBY 28 casual as if his life depended on it, sits at a
table in a pretty tight kitchen for a bachelor. Chin resting
in his hand, in front of an open laptop.

As if his life depended on it? What does that look like specifically? He could be in sweats or a bathrobe or unshaven, depressed, I have no clue.

A pretty tight kitchen for a bachelor (at first I read that as a tight fit. Now I'm guessing you might mean something like 'neat as a pin'?

Undoubtedly a dating site. Head shots galore...
A dating site. Robbie scrolls through headshots.

Then perhaps we watch his POV as he says:

Nope.
Nope.
Out of my league.
Out of my league.
Too plastic.
Punching above.
Ooh, scary.
Hmm, nice.
Oh God, no!

Then have him spot HER.
(whistle under his breath)
Oh, God... I wish.

Then maybe:

He slams the laptop shut. (not goes to)
Opens it again.
Takes another cautious look.
(whistles)
Wow.

I feel like you need to create a bit of rhythm.

A trendy cafe that is also
Retro/contemporary local haunt.
That's a mouthful.
Call it a simply a Cafe in the header. Then describe it perhaps as: like stepping back in time - neon signage, leather booths, a soda fountain and juke box. Paint the picture for me.

This should be your opening dialogue. Get right to the entertaining stuff.
I don’t actually commit crimes, you
know. I just wanna make that clear.

All the dialogue before it is not making me sit up and take notice.

Farm-fresh eggs?
Really?

I like it when these characters are sparring with each other - particularly her.

I'd delete the dual dialogue, have him say his bit:

ROBBY
So, can I see you again?

Then have her pull his leg, perhaps by shrugging her shoulders and making a face. Hmm, nah, we gave it a go, right...?
Then off his deflated response:
I'm kidding!

Be aware of the repeated phrase:
He goes to

I think this establishing shot needs to come at the top.
Humble starter home. Sunny, birds chirping.

Okay, I'll stop doing a line by line.

Love the chicken being tossed in the yard.
Love this line:

KIM (O.S.)

What color is it?

ROBBY

I don’t know... Rust?

Love the snapping sound of the chicken neck etc.

Typo: miles sweetly.

That was a gift, Rob.
Pretty funny. All this (though a bit over the top) is funny.

Ma shaving her chin? Hmm, not so much.

After they split up I wouldn't have Robby looking at his laptop, after all nobody would compare and he'd be a miserable slob at this point.

Typo top of p19
The Horse-shoe Crab lyric line is a goodie.

KIM
So do you think that maybe we could
try this again?
I think this is where you should echo the response (this time Robbie's turn) in the cafe in your opening.
Have him shrug his shoulders and make a meh face this time - pulling her leg.

Nice surprise ending to finish on.

Just suggestions obviously.

Thanks for the suggestions, Libby. Your issues at the beginning with the descriptions is all my doing, of course. Actually, most of the issues you pointed out was all me!  Duly noted, and I think you’re correct. Incidentally, the “rust” line you liked was my writing partner’s line!  

This script was actually a thrown together idea just so me and Erik could write something together. He’s a co-worker who I discovered is also a writer. What are the odds huh? And he’s quite talented, so I wanted to do something with him and this is it.

Quoted from SAC Thanks for the suggestions, Libby. Your issues at the beginning with the descriptions is all my doing, of course. Actually, most of the issues you pointed out was all me!  Duly noted, and I think you’re correct. Incidentally, the “rust” line you liked was my writing partner’s line!   This script was actually a thrown together idea just so me and Erik could write something together. He’s a co-worker who I discovered is also a writer. What are the odds huh? And he’s quite talented, so I wanted to do something with him and this is it.

Well, that's very cool.  :D

Quoted from LC Well, that's very cool.  :D

It is!

When I have some free time I’m get to some in depth responses to your suggestions. Thanks again!

Steve and Erik, I really liked this, although through the entire read, I was thinking of one of those "AITA" scenarios on social media i.e., "On our first meeting, my girlfriend's Dad slaughtered a chicken in my kitchen.  Then I find out it's an over the top ruse to "test" me.  AITA for being upset at her deception?".  Seriously, I couldn't make myself like her after that.  Obviously Robby is a better person than I am. LOL.

Really good collaboration on this guys - you worked well together to produce a fun little story with a surprising twist.  Steve, you know I always appreciate your writing and this was no different.  Good job!