Hi Libby,
First off, thank you for your detailed feedback and the time you took to go through my script! It has given me a lot to think about, to say the least.
To clarify the title,
Locus is correct. It refers to "a particular point, position, or place," and the broader psychological idea of the "Locus of Control." I also chose the title because of its sound similarity to "locust," which I thought would be pretty neat given the constant noise—one of the key motifs.
Is your feedback for "OVER BLACK"
this is very popular and overused? If so, we might have to rewrite a bunch of scripts out there in the digital ether. Common? Sure. But not ineffective. I chose "OVER BLACK" because I wanted sound to be the focal point. I wanted to draw an immediate connection to the TV as a metaphor for oppression—both for Brenna and the audience. I
intentionally chose "OVER BLACK" so that I could emphasize the auditory motifs, not because 'every cool writer uses it.'
In some cases, 'only write what you can show,' just limits the broader aspect of cinema. I thought that an old TV powering on
would be an identifiable noise.
I chose to omit the slugline between the "OVER BLACK" and "FADE IN" because I wanted to preserve the connection between sound and the visual. But I could see that adding a bit more detail would help you visualize
where exactly this story takes place. I never intended for there to be so much confusion.
Concerning the transition from the
sound of the TV turning on to the
visual of the rain, I wanted the transition to be symbolic, with the noise of the old TV hum morphing into the sound of rainfall—a kind of "atmospheric static." But I understand this might come across as too abstract or artistic without a clearer payoff
visually.
In the same way, I understand the concern with camera direction cluttering the script. I knew I would catch some flak for that. I wrote this script as a blueprint for a film I plan to
direct, so I included some of those directorial choices. I do see the value in simplifying where possible, but I feel like in some cases, you want me to change up my style when both "my" version and "your" version achieve the same goal. I gave it a little personality, a little spice, to avoid sounding like an instruction manual. I balanced this as best as I could.
Quoted Text Get rid of all this unnecessary direction. It's getting in the way of the narrative and of me understanding what's going on. Not to mention you'll have approx two minutes of unrelated action (a long time) before your opening credits roll. This is more of a directorial choice. |
A page equals one minute, not two, right? I thought that the page count would be pretty consistent with how long the short film would be (8-10 minutes, 8 pages), so I disregarded the page-by-minute rule. I tried to be as succinct as possible in the only way I knew how, in my own style.
Quoted Text FLASHBACK - INT. PORTER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (MOS)
Flashback should really come at the end of your scene header imho.
-MOS is Mit out sound which means no sound. Or, the characters are speaking but we don't hear them. Btw, it's not used much these days. Anyway, so when you launch immediately into voice-over after that heading, it confused and me and seemed contradictory. |
I followed
The Hollywood Standard by Christopher Riley in regards to formatting flashbacks in the slugline. Same with MOS. From what I have read, MOS means
shot without sound. A voiceover would be done in post-production.
Regarding the comment about translating from head-to-page being a novice mistake, I would say that this tends to be the most difficult part about screenwriting across all skill levels, no?
Because I will direct and produce a short film regardless, I wanted some feedback on the story—because I knew that this would be something that would require the audience to, really,
ponder as opposed to just being like "Oh, cool... On to the next one." If you failed to understand the story,
I did something wrong as the writer, and I am sorry that I gave you a frustrating experience.
Locus
should be about a woman (Brenna), trapped under the psionic influence of Nolan, a little boy with a connection to
something in the static. At the crux of it all, a story about Brenna breaking free from his control.
The title is a nod to the
Locus of Control, a fundamental psychological concept that refers to the degree to which people believe they have control over the events in their lives. I made this theme central to the story, as Nolan uses his abilities to rob Brenna of her agency, trapping her in a mental and emotional prison.
Admittedly, there were some backstory tidbits that I deemed too irrelevant to this "crux" to cram in, but I realize that they may be critical to understanding the story. For example, while not immediately obvious to the audience, I sprinkle in a few hints that his mother attempted to kill both him and his father, out of fear of their psionic abilities. Hence,
Mom and Dad, slumped over the dinner table. This would eventually lead to his need for control (and, in some ways, revenge).
And some more obscure details, like his mom being her drug dealer. That Bible Box under the bed contained a drug stash. I originally had a voiceover that I, ironically, deemed too "cliche" and a gross attempt at exposition that said, "Did you know that his mom used to sell drugs? A Catholic saved by grace from her own addiction... I guess temptation has a funny way of coming back around." This voiceover would further clarify the relationship between Brenna and his mom, "Anyway, one of her fiends hadn't heard from her in a while. You know
that story."
If not a horror, maybe a thriller?
Anyway, thank you so much for the feedback!