Passenger: Unknown by Uber Lyft - A rideshare driver encounters a mysterious client.  Short, Drama

I didn't see where this was going, so good on you for that. By the ending though, I felt confused. Was Eli a ghost or did I completely miss the point? It was an easy read and I wanted to know what was going to happen next. That's good. Some people who are sticklers about format might have some issues with some of the stuff. Like characters speaking while we are outside and they are in the car without any V.Os or O.S. directions. I enjoyed the read.

A classic tale a la Twilight Zone. Kind of like Eric, it was all too familiar to me but I was unable to nail it. I hope he got paid for the trip.

A couple punctuation issues is all. It gets confusing when names are so similar Eric v. Eli. I had to go back to make sure who said what.

Nicely done.

Unless I missed a specific reason to, I wouldn't have Eric and Eli, makes the script harder to read and a little confusing.

Also, seems to imply that this happened 3 years ago, so why is the final dialogue 'See you next year'? Wouldn't it be 'See you in three years'?

Not sure I totally got the why of it and I think the twist was a little telegraphed but an engaging little tale.

I've always wanted to just get into a taxi and tell the drive, "Just drive."

this line of dialogue puzzled me a little:

       The cops found my car
       the next day. Abandoned.

This seems pretty major. If he doesn't remember, where did he end up? Home? This left me a little confused.

Does the similarity of names have any significant-ness (I can't spell)?  The characters started to mixup in my brain. May have been intentional.

Tight writing with realistic dialogue.  The logic needs to be straitened a little, I think.  I enjoyed the story.

Don

This was pretty good. I agree with Ants about the character names, and 30's should be 30s btw.

ERIC (CONT’D)
Kind of like now. This may sound
weird, but I feel a little deja vu
right now. Someone else asked me
to bring them out here, a while
back. They were nervous, said they
were being followed. Same story.

I feel that dialogue above should have come earlier.

At this point perhaps:

ELI
You ever felt like something was
chasing you but you didn’t know
what it was?

Overall, the tale feels a bit unfinished to me. I feel after the initial panic and suspense at the top it's diluted and it could do with an added element. Maybe the driver drops his fare off, drives on, but keeps on landing back at the same spot with the same fare waiting for him but with no memory of it. I think establishing the threat and which character is most at threat would add to this too.

You had another page to fill this out more and up the suspense.
Regardless of quibbles, I enjoyed it.

P.S. Edit so that one line does not appear on its own on p.5.

neat little update to a well-tread ghost story. I do think the actual telling of the story could be tightened up -- a mysterious passenger is always a good element, but it plays out kind of generically. car drives, guy gets in, dumps exposition -- I think there's a more artful way to convey the story, more atmosphere to be found, perhaps when you aren't working under a tight deadline with a page limit.

your life will be easier & better if you leave out wrylies at all costs

Ok, this one threw me, but there is a classic element to this.

If I read this right, the driver knows. So if so, then he needs it be different .

But I like the idea a lot.

If it respects every year  then I would expect a a few different things

It’s late (here), I’m tired but this has good moody potential- one to develop

My last of the batch, so might as well go deep here.

You up for it?  Don't worry, I'll be nice...like I always am.   ;D ;D

So, I actually read this twice, as it's my last, took mental notes, read feedback, then reread.

1st of all, Grace recommended to stay away from wrylies - I don't agree.  you had 2 or 3 in here, I think, and although none really works in this case, they can work, and they can work very well, actually.  BUT, maybe work up to using them...when they're needed.

Let's talk Slugs.  Lots of peeps HATE hearing about Slugs, as they don't understand how important they are to your readers.  using generic Slugs (no matter who tells you differently) is not the way to go.  If you're purposely trying to conceal something, OK, cool, go generic, but for ALL OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES, show us where we really are.  make it apparent you know where we are, first of all, then, bring us into your world.

Your Slugs are...well...they're incredibly generic.  We have CITY STREET, RIDESHARE CAR, CITY STREETS (plural of the earlier Slug, for some reason, DESERTED ROAD, and COUNTRY ROAD.  Your time elements are, NIGHT, CONTINUOUS, and LATER.  You've used both INT and EXT, but if you read your action passages, as well as dialogue, you'll see that a bunch of stuff is not actually happening in the INT or EXT scene you set.  For me, it's so important to get this shit right, as it shows you've spent the time to really "see" this all in your head - because if you can't see it, chances are not good we will be able to see it.

Punctuation - again, so important for your readers.  If this is something you're not well versed on, read up on it.  You're missing lots of commas.  For commas, try this - every time you pause when reading a line, chances are good, a comma can help the sentence be more clear.

You have only 2 characters here, so it should be very easy to identify them both, but with the names Eric and Eli, that actually isn't that easy - especially when your action/description lines say things that  make it difficult to "see" where each character actually is.

I've read many scripts and stories that follow this same setup and even the same end.  That's actually not a big deal..if you set yours apart.  And, here, you did not.  And that's because neither character has much character.  Nothing stands out at all.  Eric says he's had this same expedience 3 years ago, but the way he says it, it's like it was no big deal.  Eli seems scared of something, but then suddenly, he's calm and acting like there's nothing wrong, and then again on page 4, he's pale, sweating, and super nervous again.  Inconsistent behavior, which here, just doesn't add up.

These kinds of stories often end with no real payoff or reason whatever went down, went down.  And, that can be OK.  That can be cool, even.  But mostly, the reader is going to be left looking for more.  looking for a reason why any of this took place.

IMO, Eric is the character to focus on.  he needs some life and life involves backstory...so we know a little about him.  It can be tough to deliver this effectively, but I think you could do it.  Maybe, Eric killed someone at this same deserted spot years ago, or 3 years ago.  Maybe he picked someone up on a rideshare and the rider tried to rob him, but he overpowered him, and killed him.  Buried him there and never spoke a word of it.  I don't know, as it's your script, but without any attempt to give this reason, and with flat-line characters and no real action, this just falls into that heap of all the other much the same scripts and stories.

Peeps read scripts differently. Some pay close attention to detail, some don't.  Some pay attention to technical writing, some don't even realize when something is written correctly or incorrectly. Some want all scripts to follow the universal path and be good little lambs, and when they come across something that's different, they immediately don't like it.  Etc, etc, etc.

BUT, here's a UNIVERSAL that I honestly think EVERYONE wants - something memorable.

Always try and write your scripts to be memorable.  That can be plot, story, character(s), as well as writing so damn solidly, that your readers will have to appreciate it, whether it's fantastic or just OK.

Also, and even more importantly, WRITE WHAT YOU WANT YOUR READERS TO SEE.  To do this, you have to see it, first. Once you understand this..once you really get this, your writing is going to be different, as you'll really want to share your visions, and at that point, you'll find your writing will be much more detailed. And you know what?  At that point, you'll need to learn to edit out unnecessary words, lines, etc, but that's a whole new topic.

As I read this, I knew where it was most likely going.  I was hoping you'd add something unique, different, but you didn't.  I think you can, though.

I appreciate you entering and I enjoyed the rideshare.

Hello Uber Lyft.

Hard to go after Jeff's long review but I read it so, I'll review as well.

Also, I did not read what the others wrote - so might be repeating here.

It's an interesting story as I didn't know where it was going. And what it was about. I'm afraid I still don't know that. I think on page 2 you could give us more of a glimpse - and you did later - kind of made the tale mysterious when Eric revealed the earlier story. So, I'm suggesting you do that earlier and a little later give us more of a reveal and then the twist - being what it's about. Who they are and why?

The names are alike - both are short and start with an E. So I confused the two throughout the entire script.

Dear Uber,
I mis-read it firstly as ALI - or as a girl anyway. That changes the dynamic somewhat!
Maybe Eric needs to start to say that this has happened before and the passenger stops him with "What if something is left unfinished?"
ERIC
What do you mean?
ELI
Maybe I’m the one chasing.

Then he's gone . . .
I think your last line plays out flat without a little more set up fenangle. Best --

Hey Writer,

You had me engaged, and I was genuinely intrigued to see where this was heading. I’m not sure I fully grasped the ending, but maybe I’m not supposed to — I always appreciate a bit of ambiguity, especially on screen.

Sorry to repeat what many have already said, but do try to avoid similar sounding names in dialogue passages - it really can screw with the reader.

Liked this though, good work.

Have to agree with the consensus here, the names are too similar - especially with only two characters. Need to reconsider that if you decide on a polish of this.  You might also want to consider making the twist a little less ambiguous for a better punch at the end.

The tab is titled Untitled Screenplay - PassengerUnknown.pdf. Okay.

Eli's creeping me out. I don't think I'd pick him up. Then again, I never learned to drive. He seems strangely wary of the police. But then again, in this sociopolitical climate...

You use "Car" twice. I would have swapped it with "Eric continues on."

Quoted Text [dryly)

What software are you using? Any good one should give you proper parentheticals automatically.

*SPOILERS*

So... is the guy the ghost of the other passenger? I was thinking ghosts when he said "unfinished." Like, unfinished business?

The writing was nice and clean. Should be easy enough to film. Speaking of deja vu, this reminded me of the taxi/Lyft/Uber/limo OWC we did years ago. I'm trying to remember who wrote He Drives Us Crazy? That's the one I particularly remember, besides me own. Plot twist: Could it be the ame rider and writer?

I love a good ghost story. Thanks for sharing yours. :)

This one had a definite TZ feel to it. I loved the start, with the passenger
claiming to be followed by a mysterious car. At some point the story shifts
to the driver Eric and his recollection of a similar strange occurrence with
another passenger. But it takes Eric till page 3 to recall this experience.

What confused me was the following by Eric:
'I dropped them off...that’s the last thing I remember. The cops found my
car the next day. Abandoned. No sign of the rider. I don’t remember any of it.'"
No mention of where Eric woke up, BTW.

I like the idea of Eric's memory being jogged and Eli suddenly saying,
"What if I’m not the one being followed? Maybe I’m the one chasing."

So, if Eli's a ghost, what does that make Eric? Your story reminds me of
TZ's "Hitchhiker" and "The After Hours." In the first episodes, the protagonist
can't process why there is a recurring hitchhiker along her journey, and in the latter,
the main character forgets that she's a mannequin who gets to spend one month
as a human. It's that slow realization by the characters that they are not alive that
is fascinating.

Is your story driving down a similar road?

As a taxi driver I get this to a degree. Like everyone else who commented it did get a little confusing at times with dialogue betwixt E & E.

Three years ago it happened, but then a little vague methinks. Needed more exposition IMO.

I wrote something similar many years ago where my passenger was an Antony Gormley bronze figure.

Enjoyed the read though.

Best.

Hello,

This story kind of reminds me of the movie the Sixth Sense.
The story holds my interest but towards the end, it got a little confusing.
The driver says that his car was found abandoned. Was the driver a ghost as well?
Why does this event keep repeating itself? When the ghost says see you next year, this would mean that the driver should know especially since this an unusual situation to begin with. Some plot holes needs to be fixed to make this story tighter.

Thanks everyone for your kind and constructive comments. This was yet another of my literally “one hour wonders”.  That is my official disclaimer LOL

Quoted from kcranford Thanks everyone for your kind and constructive comments. This was yet another of my literally “one hour wonders”.  That is my official disclaimer LOL

For a 1 hour wonder, it was just fine.  In my top 10 - I actually gave you a lower score than I wanted, based on this human's error - 100% seriously.  I apologize...and I'm going to tell Don.

My notes, on yellow paper in pen, had a few notes on it for a webcall and I made a box below the entries, but it went right through the C+, and I looked at it like a C-, which meant you dropped 1 point.

Quoted from Dreamscale For a 1 hour wonder, it was just fine.  In my top 10 - I actually gave you a lower score than I wanted, based on this human's error - 100% seriously.  I apologize...and I'm going to tell Don. My notes, on yellow paper in pen, had a few notes on it for a webcall and I made a box below the entries, but it went right through the C+, and I looked at it like a C-, which meant you dropped 1 point.

No worries, Jeff. I appreciate the read and your comments. 😊

I've adjusted Kathy's score as a result.

Quoted from Don I've adjusted Kathy's score as a result.

Thanks, Don!