Quoted from RJ @Nawazm - You've kind of confused me a little, lol. When it comes to which method I'm using, I don't know. When I started writing I just researched everything on the net and ended up putting stuff together. Glad I've peeked your interest enough to read on.

Haha, thought I would. I'll try and explain it a little better. Like Will mentioned above, the scenes are flying by quickly - but there's nothing wrong with this. What's lacking here is a plot that has some twist and turns with some mystery. It's just very obvious what will happen, at least in my opinion. And that's what's bugging me, I feel the beats are too obvious/tired. Like the Christmal Carol spinoffs, character has flaw, needs to fix flaw, forced to do something which they hate and in the process they discover they need to fix their life, in the end they become a better person. Hopefully that made some more sense... ? It's a hard one to explain.

Good luck.

This was a fast read. I liked how you flipped the protag's life very quickly. I get more of drama feeling rather than comedy. Maybe, this will be a dramedy? I'd continue reading.

Some notes:

pg 1 "... needs control over every aspect..." is unnecessary as you already explained the apartment as the home of a neat freak. Better way to show this -- have Michelle fidget with her Black dress when she puts it on -- unbuttoning/buttoning several times until it's just "right"
pg 6 "feed" should be 'fed'
pg 9 Becca's lines at the top feels stiff/wooden. Probably cuttable.
pg 9 Michele's lines seem off -- "I think they may have sent [me] to the wrong...."
pg 10 She talks to herself way too much. This time it feels a bit forced. Maybe have her check her wallet and there's no money (show don't tell). Then she utters "Fruit." (her version of f**K)

Hi Renee, this was a fast and enjoyable first 11. It definitely has a "It's a Wonderful Life" feel to it. You set up Michelle's character really well and I'm looking forward to seeing what you put her through. Here's a few things I picked up on:


P.1

The opening definitely needs some work. It would really benefit from being longer and showing us more of Becca saving the child. Make it obvious that she is an angel from the beginning. Show the child trapped and in peril, and Becca bravely putting her life on the line to perform the heroic rescue. As it is, this scene would take up about 30 seconds of screen time and would be completely forgotten by the time Michelle gets her hands on the phone.

'burns away' should be 'burn away'.


P.4

The line "Yeah, but the idea of growing old with one has a nice ring to it." needs changing. Something having 'a nice ring to it', is usually based on a statement, or something that has been said, not an idea or thought.

Using the word "f*ck" doesn't really fit with your story. It seems like it would be more of a PG or PG-13 family type film instead of a raunchy comedy. It read more like tossing in profanity for the sake of it instead of using it for comedic impact. Just having Amy say something like "You can swear, you know?. It’s not going to hurt you"  would work better in my opinion.


P.5

The line "My dad’s been bragging about that damn watch for ages now." makes it sound like he was boasting about something he already owned, not talking about something he wanted.


P.6

'Feed up' should be 'Fed up'.


P.7 & 8

I didn't get how Michelle deduced that the phone wanted her to take it to its owner just because it was beeping and showing a map.

When she is talking to the phone, she says "I’m finding your owner then I’m done with you", and then when she gets to the hospital and the phone stops beeping she says to Becca "I believe this is yours. So I’m just going to leave it here for you to deal with when you’re ready." - This whole scenario felt way too forced.

Just because she was sick of the phone beeping she went on a wild goose chase around the city at night to give the phone to a stranger in the hospital. If it was bothering her so much and she cared so little about the phone wouldn't she just throw it away / smash it / remove the battery?

You need to try to think of a better and more believable way of getting Michelle to the hospital and her working out that the phone used to be Becca's.


P.9

Michelle's dialogue should say "I think they sent you…"

You should definitely make a bigger deal of Michelle's world being turned upside down. Tell us more about how the apartment has changed when she wakes up. Describe what's different in more detail. At the moment it's just a very brief scene and doesn't really give us the full extent of what's happened. It would be better if you stretch it out a little - have her wandering the apartment trying to take everything in.


P.10

'They refrain her.' should be 'restrain'.


Other than the few issues I've mentioned, I did enjoy this and would definitely read more. One thing I would say though is I'm not convinced with the title. Having it called "Naughty Claus" immediately made me think of Santa Claus and I assumed this would be a Christmas comedy, or at least set around the Christmas holidays, which it doesn't appear to be. If it is set around Christmas you should make that clear from the start, otherwise I'd seriously consider a possible title change.

Renee, finally got around to finishing all the scripts and through no method of order on my part, yours just came up at the end, so sorry for the delay in the read!

A very quick and easy read, thought it was well-written and flowed well from scene to scene.  Certainly has you wondering where the story is going and what's going to happen to Michelle (I assume she, and not Becca, is the protagonist here).

Now I did have one thing that sort of had me scratching my head.  Becca is an angel?  If that's the case, why does she need to go to the hospital?  Aren't angels sort of dead already?  I guess there are human angels as well, because it appears that Michelle is about to be one.  You might need to explain the different types of angels so that the readers (and ultimately the viewers) aren't scratching their heads as well.  I'm also not sure how pushing a button on a phone makes you an angel, but I'm guessing that'll be explained at some point!

Oh, minor catch on Page 9: "...may have sent to the wrong part..."  s/b "may have sent you to the wrong part..."

Otherwise, great job!  Look forward to the rest!  Good luck!

Gary

Renee,

I've enjoyed the story so far. A breeze to read through and well written with a few things to clean as pointed out by the others. I really like Michelle as the protag. A woman who seems business driven and doesn't care too much for the less fortunate.

I get that a simple press of the button is easy enough to make her a angel. The phone powered on and activated an app to bring her to the hospital and when she saw Becca the responsibility was passed to Michelle to take over as the angel.

Great job and best of luck finishing the script.

Dirk

Hi Renee - took a quick look at this. It's nicely done overall - it will need fleshing out some, but it's written like skeleton piece, which is fine for a first draft - these things can always be fleshed out later on - but as an outline piece, I think it's fairly spot on for what you want to do.

The gripes for me (and I've only skimmed the other comments):

1. Michelle coming into possession of the phone didn't work for me for three reasons:
... Michelle didn't lead the action here, so a crucial part of the set-up was too passive
... I thought that Michelle (and kinda by default, her friend) was a business woman, so I didn't totally buy into her going into the pawn shop (even though you tried selling it via her friend).
... The act of possessing the phone was arbitrary - her friend was just 'oh, might as well'.

It's hard avoiding cliche in circumstances like this, but maybe have her lose her phone (at a critical moment) and offer a kid who's picked up 'the' phone $20? (whether the kid likes it or not) - just something to feed in some necessity to have the phone and work in a little 'hates kids' as a sideline. Still a cliche, I know, but I felt it needed some 'need' to it. Just chewin'.

The only other thing that passed me by was the change - totally didn't see that, and I thought you'd missed some of the script out -- but that might just have been me being dim  

I did get the feeling, like you said, that this was a bit of a growing comedy, and as such I liked the feel you gave this - but of course that's not going to be to everyone's taste. But I liked it - I get the feeling the whole process is coming more easily to your pen now. Good luck with it.  

Thanks again to all who have read this.

@Nawazm - lol, yep get what you're saying now. These days I find myself reading into a lot of movies - I can tell the ending almost before it starts, but as long as it's entertaining I'll watch over and over.

@kingcooky - Yeah, this is heading towards more of a dramedy. Thank you for your comments. Yes, I mucked up - Michelle is meant to say 'they've sent -you- to the wrong part of the hospital'. I love your idea for pg10.

@SteveUK -  Thanks for the suggestions. I laughed at the comment about it being PG - only cause I know where this is headed and it is definitely not going to be PG - probably MA at a guess (maybe even R depending on some scenes). Pg9 & 10 - yep, I mucked up. When it comes to expanding on the apartment scene, that's a good idea. I think all round I need to extend a few scene. As for the title - there will be a little christmas tinge to it down the road, but Michelle's last name it Claus and she is will be naughty, lol.

@Gary - no stress, somebody has to come last.Yes - Michelle is the protag and se is about to be a human angel. You have me thinking about adding a line in Becca's talk with her - but it will be more around the 15 - 20pg mark with the way things are headed. Everyone seems to be picking up the pg9 comment, lol - now fixed.

@Dirk - You've explained it exactely how it was intented to come across. Glad you like it thus far and Michelle is working for you. Hope you like the rest.

@Simon - Yeah, I seem to have gone from over description to skeleton bones - am working on trying to find a happy medium. Thanks for you comments. I had been toying with the idea of Michelle complaining to Amy about problems with her phone on the way to the pawn shop then Michelle spotting Becca's phone and taking a fancy to it? Sandra also mentioned that she didn't see the change - she had to re-read it. I'm going to work on making that clearer and extending that scene. Glad that you liked the feel of it and yep, the writing is coming a hell of a lot easier now. Thanks again.

Renee

Hey Renee; Off to a good start. Few thoughts.

pg. 1; Gonna need to clarify the mythology of the angels. These angels don't appear to be immortal, don't fly and have cell phones...Perhaps they are angels in the metaphorical sense only?

Pg. 2: Assume we'll see the homeless man again later on...he's got to be connected. Reminds me a bit of the Nicholas Cage movie Family Man a bit. Could work very well for Michelle to see the light.

Pg. 4: Don't see a person like Michelle ever being caught dead in a pawn shop. Very much beneath her and she wouldn't any of her clients to see her there. Perhaps there was a more pressing reason that she would go in..
"Degrading to children? Fruit?" Lost me there. "Keyboard" could either be a computer keyboard or piano...assume it's a piano...

Pg. 5: Again, I don't see a professional, modern, successful business woman not having the latest and greatest smartphone already in her possession- certainly not a dirty, germ-infested used one...Doesn't work logically for her character, unless she is ridiculously wealthy and can afford to be eccentric...

Pg. 6. Idealized love:  Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!

Pg. 7. Since Michelle has no connection to the phone, I'd imagine she would just throw it out the window or something rather than put up with it annoying her...You could play up the magic part by making in somewhat invincible and always coming back into her possession, as she is chosen...

Pg. 8-9. So who ever has this phone, pushes a button, is signed up to the angel program to fix whatever it is in her character that needs fixing...

Pg. 10 In order to earn her wings, she assumes a new, less than pleasant identity (or hell in her perspective) and has to make her way in this new, more challenging persona for her.

Could do alot of with the fish out of water element, as well as the power of perspective (wealth/power does not equal happiness- serving others and the love of friends and community does).

Good luck and I look forward to reading the rest of your story!

Blakkwolfe,

I don't have a lot of time to reply, but thank you for your comments. They have been greatly appreciated.

I love the idea about the phone being invincible - such a great idea that I just didn't see - gonna use that for sure.

Thanks again.

Renee.