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Modified LogLine for WaterFalls feature film:
Jody Lewis, a teenage girl who has objected her fathers criminal activity, turns to a Preacher friend who gives her an authentic book. The reading of this book leads to mysterious events and deaths which causes a city-wide panic! |
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Sounds intriguing but a little incomplete as is. It's missing a protagonist and his/her/their involvement to stop what's going on, plus urgency of stakes.
Does the disease lead to the murderous activity?
You don't need 'authentic' - in addition to 'cursed' which is sufficient. I would say a bit more story or mythology where the book is concerned would add to your teaser as well.
P.S. The title - does Waterfalls have meaning? |
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WaterFalls
The reading of a cursed authentic book causes the rise of a mysterious disease and serial murders. |
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Thanks, both of these are good, they're making me get more to the heart of it. |
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Just giving this a quick glance...
Not sure the demo reel part is necessary for the logline. "A freelance writer hired to write a fluff piece on an aging musician uncovers..."
I think what's missing for me is the protagonist's goal. What is the conflict, and how is the protagonist instrumental in resolving it? Without reading the script, I have no idea how to answer those questions from just the logline. I think it needs to be in there. And, it can't be "defeat evil." |
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New draft up. Thanks, Don.
Incorporated most of your notes, Libby. Appreciate your help.
We've got a teaser trailer just about finished up, as well as a new poster. Will be sharing them both very soon!
Here's a link to the Oblong Box Productions Facebook group page, where you can keep up to date on this project. - https://www.facebook.com/groups/1547830519380479 |
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Peach (reply) |
Posted by: 143 Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:31pm |
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You're welcome! I have a drama script posted called EarthLife: Most Basic Training if you do have the time and want to read/comment. Very nice of you to offer - thanks : ) |
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Something About The Animals by Igor Kantor - Drama - A young Russian girl enjoys her stay in Nice, France, cheating on her husband with a handsome painter. But one day her usual life collapses when she accidentally gets involved in a local mafia showdown. 114 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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The Blue Room by John Stone - Short, Horror - The untimely murder of three of his friends is too much to take for rock legend Jackson Lee as he uncovers a sinister plot that will effect civiliasation as we know it. 56 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Are you my mummy by Luke Haines - Short, Horror, Scary - A mother who suffers from post-traumatic stress after losing her daughter gets a second chance. 18 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Fur Real |
Posted by: Don Date Posted: Yesterday, 9:41pm |
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Fur Real by Simon K. Parker - Short, Drama, Comedy, Fantasy - When estranged son, David, returns home to reconnect with his aging mother, he discovers an unexpected housemate, a man who insists on living life dressed as a dog. 10 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Kelly, I notice your script is finally up. I'll give some feedback on your screenplay and logline a little later. Just acknowledging your post for now.
Edit: If you could narrow down your genre to one or two major categories what would it be?
Okay, take out (being renovated), take out the writer character's name. Unless this character is iconic and known to us (e.g. Bond, Reacher,) it's generally not needed in a logline.
When a demo reel is discovered in a music studio being renovated a freelance writer, Darin Morgan, is hired to find the musician in Clarksdale, Mississippi and write a fluff piece. As he investigates the aging musician, he inadvertently uncovers a kidnapping plot that sparks ...
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"When a demo reel is discovered in a music studio being renovated a freelance writer, Darin Morgan, is hired to find the musician in Clarksdale, Mississippi and write a fluff piece. As he investigates the aging musician, he inadvertently uncovers a kidnapping plot that sparks a battle in the war of good versus evil."
Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks! |
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Hi Dean,
I'm happy to give you some feedback if you're around... |
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Mind the Gap |
Posted by: Don Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:10am |
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Mind the gap by Michael Till-Lambrecht - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy, Drama - Originally, Paul wanted to spend a nice day at the zoo with his grands on. But on the way there, a strange encounter occurs that shakes him deeply. Paul must realize that he made a fatal mistake in his youth … 16 pages
Production: Available for free - Creative Commons BY-SA 4.0 - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
The Return |
Posted by: Don Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:10am |
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The Return by Steven Roedersheimer - Drama, Mystery - Trying to reconnect with his free-spirited daughter, a 59-year-old man leaves the city to become a wilderness monitor in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. But when three backpackers go on a hike and only two come back, he becomes drawn to the bizarre circumstances surrounding the fateful disappearance. 97 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Detached |
Posted by: Don Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:09am |
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Detached by Bernard Antoine Mersier - Short, Drama, Psychological - Twin sisters Mistyi and Cristi love each other to death and won't let anything come between them. But one sister stands stronger on the motto than the other. 8 pages
Pitch Deck - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Whatever Happened to Amanda? by Dean Hodsfry - Short, Thriller - This thriller is about Amanda who is a wannabe writer however certain things happen that prevents her from becoming a writer. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Holly Jolly Farm by Deano Jones - Family - After an accidental wish turns a savvy businesswoman into Santa, she must rediscover the true meaning of Christmas under the guidance of two trustee elves and save a beloved farm. 90 pages - pdf format
For production consideration - No comments required
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The Gravy Train by James Shearer - Short, Drama - An elderly couple know every con in the book. 8 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Demo Reel |
Posted by: Don Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:07am |
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Demo Reel by Kelly Tippett - Sci Fi, Supernatural, Thriller, Drama, Horror, Religious - When a demo reel is discovered in a music studio being renovated a freelance writer, Darin Morgan, is hired to find the musician in Clarksdale, Mississippi and write a fluff piece. As he investigates the aging musician, he inadvertently uncovers a kidnapping plot that sparks a battle in the war of good versus evil. 116 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Dear D.A.Banaszak
Firstly, thank you for reading my screenplay - and the detailed feedback. I will take onboard your comments.
Re military procedure, etc., yes, I grew up in a Royal Navy/Royal Marines family and later worked with the latter/SBS, during my chosen career. I knew the explanations in italics would annoy some readers, appease others. Furthermore, I utilised experiences or stories recalled by others, e.g. the standing in the breakfast tale was witnessed by my late father. Likewise, I can testify that the Bangladeshi restaurant, Bucket of Shit, is as described - so is the unique submarine recovery method. Half Man was an SF guy whose path I crossed.
You caught me out totally on the plot hole - I can thi...
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This was a slow read. The emphasis on military terms and procedures bogged things down and required me to pay attention. On the other hand, it gave the story a sense of legitimacy. You obviously know your way around military procedures and tactics. Either that or you did a huge amount of research.
I got a little lost in the beginning when Mr. Shaw stepped onto the prince’s breakfast. I realize that the purpose of the scene was to establish Jamie Shaw's character but I thought it should have played more in the story. There was barely a mention of the incident after that. I felt like there should have been more.
The explanations for the various acronyms were needed and improved the read enormously. Otherwise I would have been ke...
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This made me feel nervous for Hannah.Good tension in this story |
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There's something there. Try making the last part first. Rearranging it.
"A troubled young man's inner demons surface as mysterious entities begin calling out to him from his alien invaded world. Will he listen to them and find redemption or...?"
I don't know what the alternative is if he does not find redemption. You could add that part. |
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Page 1. • “He comes to halt.” Could use an “a” try “He comes to a halt” or “He halts.” • “He rises his hand and waves.” Use “raises”
Page 2.
• “to get good look.” Use “to get a good look.” • “The bullet enters his forehead, and out the back of his head. Making a lake of his blood and puddles of brain matter in the snow. His body drops diving right into the lake of his own blood.” This reads okay, but it has some repetition in it. Try “The bullet enters his forehead, and out the back. His body drops into the lake of his blood and brain matter.”
Page 3.
• “EXT. SNOWY TUNDRA - DAY...
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• Two words together “onethey” in first dialogue. It may be on purpose but as a reader it gives me pause.
• “BOUNTY HUNTER Yes. BOUNTY HUNTER (Clears throat and shifts to a lower tone) I mean, yeah, I am... the one.” Have him clear his throat between the two dialogues. It will separate his speaking and read better. In parentheses it is acceptable but with you having the dialogue like that it will help by taking it out of parentheses and using it as description to separate the two dialogues back-to-back by the same character.
• “BOUNTY HUNTER Yeah? Well... (Beat)” Erase “beat” get rid of it. It’s used in the dialogue to show pause. Not...
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Another one from the Infolist/Inktip colab...
https://us15.campaign-archive.com/?e=88b48657dd&u=83c3401736a63b44b3f05de50&id=f452f33b13 |
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Hi there (reply) |
Posted by: alphans_ Date Posted: March 15th, 2024, 10:33am |
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Thanks Anthony! It's been a while but quite eager to get back into it.
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Word-Hits 1 (100.00%) |
Hi there (reply) |
Posted by: alphans_ Date Posted: March 15th, 2024, 10:32am |
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Thanks LC! |
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Showing 1 - 30 (19526 results found)
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