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Quoted Text EXT. DERIS HOUSE - AFTERNOON |
Should be DERIS'
What is with all the ..... starting the dialogue?
Maniac Cop could go - not sure any PD would let their officers dress like that on duty and he would play better as a character that hates Halloween because of the unnecessary work it is going to create for him.
The Phobia thread is thin.
Just okay for me. The ending struck me as chaos for the sake of chaos. |
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I didn't buy the phobia either. If she's so afraid of burns, why is she
SPOILERS
SUN BATHING???
Makes no sense. I don't think I could get by that problem.
Rewrite the short, without the parameters and focus on the paranoia of her and her descent into madness and you have a cool short.
Dan |
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Well, with a title like this, it's going 1 of 2 ways...let's hope it's not the obvious.
Odd opening Slug, to say the least, and reading on, incorrect.
"as average as they come" - terrible character description. Tells us nothing.
Dialogue is very odd and stilted.
Spacing appears to be fucked up, making this very padded, or much longer than it should be.
How does anyone know they're in NYC?
OK, weird and awkward writing all over the pace and the spacing is so fucked up, I'm not going to waste my time.
NO GRADE |
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IMO, it didn't fulfil the requirements. The RIP was great. The Phobia, was not. She wasn't afraid of being forgotten, just of being forgotten by one person.
You know who has a phobia of being forgotten? Lex Luthor. When I see that phobia, I want that level of fear. A person who will go to any lengths to not be forgotten by humanity. What we had was one person who loved someone greatly and couldn't handle being forgotten by that person.
As a story outside the parameters, it's fine.
Dan |
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Opening passage has me worried right out of the gate, as there are strange phrasings and an air of trying too hard.
2nd passage totally unnecessary.
"iff" - "off"
Dialogue exchange loaded with awkward phrasings - maybe English is not the native language for the writer. Very dull and unnatural.
Page 3 - "Donna, examines her left arm in the mirror. Frowns.
Applies a tube of aloe vera gel.
Pops an ibuprofen. Turns on the COLD water, fills up a paper cup. Down the hatch.
Checks her arm again." - No, the writing here does not work. The fist comma is totally incorrect. The period isn't correct. No subject for all t...
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I must be the odd one, but., I found it boring. Sorry.
I think I was confused by the flashbacks without ages, so, it was hard to follow the timeline.
I agree that the use of religion as the evil guys is a bit too typical, but, it is what it is, right?
Just not my cup of tea.
Oh, and the phobia wasn't true. The RIP was great, but, she didn't have a phobia of water, but, as someone else said, what was IN the water.
Dan |
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A poignant short. Easy to read.
A current hot topic for discussion; particularly for Baby Boomers. (Check out Bill Murray in St. Vincent).
Not sure this met the OWC criteria other than rest.....in peace.
This was more about the frustrations, and challenges that arise for family members, particularly spouses, when Alzheimer's becomes evident.
Regards,
JJ |
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This twist didn't work for me. Her fear of blood isn't a true phobia.
SPOILERS. It just activates her "issue." Like wolfsbane activates a werewolf.
I think this story might do better if you didn't have the parameters set in.
The story, for the parameters, didn't work for me. Without the parameters, it was pretty good.
The biggest issue is, I'd like to see evidence of the sexual assault before hand only to find out that what happened to her was far worse than assault. That's the horror story you can share and take to the next level.
Dan |
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Best one I've read so far. Are there issues, sure, but, having one week tends to have issues.
This story was pretty intense, but, I was a bit lost at the end. I guess I wasn't sure if this was going supernatural or staying "real."
I thought it was pretty solid. I liked how IMO got inside the other person's head.
One nitpick. If she's 19, why is she doing a thesis? Is she brilliant? Most 19 year olds' go to college, then, in Grad School, do the thesis.
Otherwise, good job. Story was fun.
Dan |
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Hey, writer. Thanks for entering.
I liked the fact that she doesn't have a fear of blood but rather of what might happen when she sees blood. I liked that line of dialog very much and I liked what happened to her after.
But I couldn't understand how Cassidy suddenly turned to be an experienced vampire slayer. She behaved like she and her fiance knew how to handle a vampire.
There are some repetitions. For example, you write "He is having a nosebleed. Blood drips from his nostrils' - you could leave just the second sentence.
The spacing - there shouldn't be gaps after the character.
And the margins are off a bit.
But that's an easy fix.
The fiance sounds off. He's complaining about ...
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| Still disagree - but perhaps better for a different thread. Totally my fault for fueling the fire here. Will engage on a separate thread if there ever is enough interest to have one. |
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Hi,
Some colorful scenes I guess. But the logic of the character actions were off for me.
I became confused early. At first, Reagan is scared by the blood but she turns into a blood sucking demon. The drugs weren't working I guess. Didn't buy the sisterly love connection.
Sometimes I was laughing and sometimes just wondering what was going on.
In the end, interesting approach to the OWC.
Regards,
JJ |
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I can't add more than everyone else has.
Good job on entering.
Dan |
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Polished enough for the time given. I think, in the end, the scripts should be readable and make sense. I don't think that's too much to ask. I get there may be a lot of new writers in this challenge because it was advertised outside the site, so formatting errors and the like are understandable, but not necessarily excusable. Formatting, grammar, typos and such, are just bad editing or the writer just doesn't know all the ins and outs yet. Poor story structure is another thing. Either it's good or it's not. It makes sense or it doesn't. One week is a short time to get it all just right, so the best of the bunch will almost always rise to the top.
That said, kinda sad I didn't enter this go round. Had a collaboration on the table an...
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The consolidation is not what gave it away. That was merely a response to the "huh?"
Whomever - my posts can be deleted if you think they are out lf line - no offense taken.
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Well whatever, it is what it is.
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Well maybe now you can redact this post? Having these things consolidated would almost certainly give away which I wrote.
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The consolidation is not what gave it away. That was merely a response to the "huh?"
Whomever - my posts can be deleted if you think they are out lf line - no offense taken.
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4 stars? I thought he said I gave it ZERO?
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I believe he misinterpreted ***** to be none. I'll let him say otherwise - It is just an assumption on my part. |
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- Jeff gave it a rating of ****
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4 stars? I thought he said I gave it ZERO?
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On the go notes:
I thought the opening with the Mom and Girl wasn't powerful enough to deserve its place as an opening.
I loved Baxter and Jake first exchange.
The dialogue between the teenagers is not doing it for me. Too long and it advanced the story too little.
I liked the short narration that gave us some background on Summerwind.
Right after Jake twisted his ankle, I realized that I don't care about any of the characters. And that's on you! :<
I'm a bit confused about the sequence where everyone went batshit crazy. That's on me I guess.
Oh, I like the reveal at the end. Sweet. Well done!
Overall:
I liked the concept A LOT! I can't criticize the execution because you only got one week. Prob...
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Through 24 and am going to take a break for a bit.
My overall observations are:
- Many more scripts this go around with basic formatting and grammar issues. Normally, I don't bother and sail through these as I expect more than average given the parameter of the week. But there were several scripts with so many issues in this regard it took me out of the read - out of the story. Maybe more newbies - which I think at the end is a good thing. I don't know, just a lot of basic errors in the lot.
- Some problem with genre selection. A lot of horror where the phobia just made sense based on the horror experienced (i.e, the fear seemed rational). |
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From your posts I know (assuming that they were true)
That was before the scripts were posted. Now I know.
- It got mostly good feedback
- Jeff gave it a rating of ****
Those are the breadcrumbs I was mentioning. If they are not intentional - fine - but stop.
If I have your script wrong I will apologize after they are posted.
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Well maybe now you can redact this post? Having these things consolidated would almost certainly give away which I wrote. |
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Huh? I'm not deliberately hinting at anything. He's given a few scripts "no score."
I also didn't comment on every script except my own, so there shouldn't be any hints.
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From your posts I know (assuming that they were true)
- Your scrips is 8 pages long.
- It is a drama
- The Phobia is obscure
- The name of the phobia is not mentioned.
- The nature of the phobia is not clarified until the end
- Rest in peace is the last line of dialogue but some action follows afterwards
That was before the scripts were posted. Now I know.
- It got mostly good feedback
- Jeff gave it a rating of ****
Those are the breadcrumbs I was mentioning. If they are not...
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It looks like ZERO to 5 stars. I'm grading these based on how they meet the challenge, how well written they are, how readable they are, and how good they are.
That would be a ZERO, then. ZERO stars are usually given to scripts I don't finish. If I get through the entire script, but it's terrible, it usually will get 1 star.
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Gotcha, just curious about that. |
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When you rate these scrips, what does the scale that you're scoring from look like? You said you gave zero's and a one...are you grading these as if they're fully polished material? |
It looks like ZERO to 5 stars. I'm grading these based on how they meet the challenge, how well written they are, how readable they are, and how good they are.
You gave me a score of "none," by the way...which is fine, I really don't care. |
That would be a ZERO, then. ZERO stars are usually given to scripts I don't finish. If I get through the entire script, but it's terrible, it usually will get 1 star.
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I mean no offence towards the writer, it's just that to me the trope has become so utterly overused that I can no longer see it as anything other than an attack on a particular religion.
Whenever a Priest appears in a story on TV or on Film they are invariably a child sex abuser.
Clearly there remain issues surrounding this topic within religious institutions, just as they remain in political organisations, the judiciary, Hollywood etc. It's just that in stories it's almost always Priests and the sheer number of these stories creates an unbelievably biased narrative. Were one to base their opinions on the media then one would have the impression that the sole source of child sex abuse was Christian clergymen, when the reality...
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RIP on page 1. Hope there's another one...
Hmmm, misquoted "The Raven" by EAP...intentional?
Dialogue is good...sounds very real.
"story" is slow...taking too long to get going, but I'm in for the long haul here.
I think most peeps know how much I detest the dreaded INTERCUT. This one's almost a full page long, but for some reason, it seems to work here, with the different tellings of this place's history. Don't get me wrong - I don't like it, but I can live with it.
Page 6 - "fucking Summerwind" - Ha...nice!
Page 8 and little has happened, so I'm hoping there's some kind of payoff ahead.
OK, here it is...finally.
Damn, everyone goes ...
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Phobia? It seems more of a desire not to go back home than a phobia. I know a lot of people that have an aversion to going home. RIP - Check.
I had a difficult time getting into this one and started skimming (sorry). It seemed way overwritten and could have been trimmed back immensely.
Maybe it's because I skimmed, but I didn't understand the ending at all.
Kudos for entering and see what a rev or two does on the dialog. |
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From the many breadcrumbs you have dropped I pretty much know which script is yours and here is another breadcrumb. It's anonymous challenge - stop with the hints.
My apologies will be sent if I have picked the wrong script for you.
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Huh? I'm not deliberately hinting at anything. He's given a few scripts "no score."
I also didn't comment on every script except my own, so there shouldn't be any hints. |
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When you rate these scrips, what does the scale that you're scoring from look like? You said you gave zero's and a one...are you grading these as if they're fully polished material?
You gave me a score of "none," by the way...which is fine, I really don't care.
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From the many breadcrumbs you have dropped I pretty much know which script is yours and here is another breadcrumb. It's anonymous challenge - stop with the hints.
My apologies will be sent if I have picked the wrong script for you. |
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Totally concur...the usual suspects read and comment, the others do nothing.
I had a busy weekend, including alot of cleaning and organizing around the house, then the AZ State Fair yesterday. Somehow, I've already gotten through 19 scripts -
- now, there are those who will say I'm not reading the scripts in their entirety, but I'm reading as much as I need to, to know when a script is terrible, and when a script deserves to be completely read.
Sadly, out of 19, I have 8 scores of ZERO and 4 scores of ONE. That's not good.
So far, the worst batch of OWC scripts I can recall in a long time. |
When you rate these scrips, what does the scal...
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Showing 1 - 30 (11878 results found)
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