James,
I haven’t read any of the other comments, so forgive me if I’m repeating things.
I got the opening scene – you’re leaving us hanging for something later, that to me worked.
The first thing that felt really odd to me, besides the title cards (which don’t need to be there) was the flashback with the cocaine – it really didn’t seem to fit. IMO, just moving straight to the study scene would work better and then back to Ethan. I get what you are trying to do, but IMO it might work better in dialogue if Dave mentions suchandsuch meetings, since he asks anyway. Same with the alcohol scene – both flashbacks take us from the story to somewhere completely different and not in a good way. All up, IMO, this would work a lot smoother with just an intercut scene between Dave and Ethan.
Saying that, I do think this read a lot better than your first draft. You’ve put a lot of work into it and it shows.
Pg 5 – another flashback. Although this one works better than your other two, these are really becoming a distraction for me.
Pg 6 – I can’t help wondering if these flashbacks could be used somewhere later within the script.
I’m finding it a little hard to believe how chummy Michael is with his dad. Even though it’s been two years off the stuff, I still think that Michael would be a little reserved. I know for a fact that 5 year olds hold onto things. They are so smart at even that age and younger.
By page 12, I’m not really seeing anything overly enticing atm. The first scene on page 1 kicked everything off, but then nothing much has happened since then.
Why would Dave say to get a side job and then say that a distributor wants Ethan and he’ll be paid up front? I think it would be better to state the distributor thing straight after Dave says no about the loan.
Pg 18 – I thought this was the perfect time for a little conflict between Grace and Ethan over not wasting money on a new phone, but it wasn’t there.
19 – Didn’t feel that the electronics store would have 3 year old second hand phones – correct me if I’m wrong. And, IMO, another missed opportunity for some conflict. Doesn’t need to be aggressive, but I would picture the sales attendant going back and forth with Ethan on the price a little. He gives in too easily.
The convo between Robert and Ethan came across very ‘on the nose’ to me. I think there could be a better way of getting the house’s history across.
Pg 22 - PHONE SERVICE
Connection terminated.
Wouldn’t there just be beeps?
To me, I don’t know whether the phone call works as such. I don’t want to rip anything from Steve’s Bad Connection, but since the guts of this is different I would think it would work better if Ethan found images and videos and started using them to influence his books and get into the mind frame of a killer – Just as he is about to delete the videos, he reconsiders then decides not to, then uses them as inspiration and begins to have 'evil' thoughts about doing things to others. IMO, the whole ‘Killer coming after him’ could probably be cut then the main guts of it could be Ethan turning violent – rewatching and rewatching the videos, etc. – just my sick mind coming up with ideas as I read on, it’s your choice, whatever you do with it.
Pg 24 – Dave needs to not give in so easily. He needs to snap a little – this was a very important meeting after all.
Pg 29 – the conflict between Grace and Ethan is good, but felt very out of place as Grace has always been so overly loving previously. I would picture this type of reaction if he had done it a few times now.
Pg 32 – at this point in time, this is playing out more like a drama than a thriller. Nothing really thrillerish is happeining.
ETHAN
I’ve always got time for my family.
Just before, he didn’t.
33 – Michael shakes his head in ‘disagreement’.
34 – “I just 'don't' understand it.”
I find it strange that Ethan doesn’t go straight to the police after the killer threatens his family. And then he is so relaxed when talking to Robert in the next scene.
Pg 46 – how would Grace not know already that he doesn’t like being called Mr. Green, after so many years together? If it was a new thing, Grace would be more surprised and inquisitive.
Pg 48 – how does the shop keeper remember who bought the mask so quickly?
I’m not going to keep going over and over characters reactions – feel like I’ve beaten this down a lot in that department.
I don’t know whether I’m right with this or not, but I’m sure ‘fade out’ is not supposed to go anywhere else in the screenplay, but the end - at all.
51 – There would have to been an ambulance on scene, even if Ethan’s injuries don’t seem too serious – they may be internal.
53 – From my recollection, the killer never stated that he lived there.
Pg 56 – Wait…Ethan tried to drown Michael? And Grace is still around – As a mother of 4, I would have picked up and left, never to return and enforced only supervised visits. I mean, it’s ok to have that type of thing in the movie, but Grace’s attitude towards Ethan is REALLY off – She would always be slightly on edge. Two years in a ‘program’ could not fix the worry.
64 - ETHAN
(beat)
No sir. You could try a Mr. Robert
Stevenson, he may still be in town.
Robert and Robert? I’d try to stear clear of having two characters with the same name – makes the audience confused on which character they are supposed to be picturing.
Pg 98 - . INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Ethan opens the refrigerator. He takes out orange juice. He
drinks from the carton. He puts it back. He suddenly stops.
He drops the carton.
In the refrigerator is a bottle of rum. Ethan pulls it out.
The bottle is full with the liquor.
ETHAN
I... I didn’t buy that.
Was this accidently repeated? if not, I don’t get it.
My initial thought with the whole Mr. Hyde thing was that Ethan was the killer, but a couple of things led me astray, again not in a good way, the receptionist at the motel would have had to have a copy of his licence in the system to have leased the room – wouldn’t she have noticed him?
In the end, I did like the twist, but thought most things in the script didn’t really come together properly. Needs a lot of work, but I’m sure you will pull it all together in rewrites to come.
Looking over what I've written, I may seem to be thrashing this when honestly, I'm not. You have some good ideas, you just need to work on them and I'm sure you will.
Hope I've helped to some degree.
Renee