The Bow and Arrow by blank - To help an old man, a young man buys his shop where he finds a powerful bow and arrow for fighting aliens who make red rain to end the world.  Short, Sci Fi

I can buy into doing a random act of kindness at a whim, suddenly without thinking but it's sort of hard to buy into a person buying a store to help another for nothing.
Although I'am not saying it's impossible. I think sometimes what really can happen is hard to buy into.

Danny talks to himself too much. I think you could cut half of what he says there if not more. It's for explanation but we get it anyway. It's hard to fight snakes - of course it is.

Red rain- why red. Almost like you're alluding here to something. Maybe explain why and how aliens use red rain..

Dialog sounds stilted to me. Like this line "Oh My God. I really want to buy it". He already stated he wants to buy it. Why repeat. And also it's hard to see anyone speak that way even if it's a kid.

Nice visuals. Overall your script is very visual and lively. I can see it as an animation. A real hero story. Some Russian cartoons are just like that and they are fun to watch.

Hello.

I agree that the writing is stilted. This sounds like the script for a video game.

Ahoy writer.

First off, with or without the OTN dialogue i actually read the whole thing - which means that there was enough there to keep me reading - good job.  Points to consider: some of your A/D lines could be trimmed, and yes... the fact that Danny just keeps talking out loud to himself is a bit unrealistic. JMHO.  Kham is right, waaaaaay too much of it - almost took me out of the read. Methinks you could have come up with a more creative way to show what Danny's telling us. It could definitely be scaled back.

Also, the dialogue... It almost reminded me of a Ventriloquist talking to his dummy. Almost.

Anywaz, not bad. All the best of Irish luck!. :)-A

The point has been made about the dialogue, it's stilted and may be a new writer or one who's first language isn;t English, keep writing and it will improve with practice.

The story...

Buying a whole shop to do someone a favour seems a bit off base to me, so the good deed already feels a little bit of a stretch here.

I'm getting Mjolnir from the bow and arrow.

You lost me when Danny went from his shop into a cave because he was dizzy, not sure why or how this happens.

People rarely talk to themselves when they are alone in real live, you can probably cut a lot of it out.

Well done for getting an entry in.

I read this all the way through.  I have to agree with others in thinking that English is most likely not your first language - true of billions of people - and easily overcome with practice.  I do also feel you are most likely a new writer, but that also is overcome with practice.  Unlike some other commenters, I did get that the good deed was in buying the shop because the elderly owner was ill and needed the money (at a premium price no less).  This story has promise, and I agree with some of the thoughts that it would be a good animation project.  You hit all the requirements as laid out, so I'm on board with your entry.  Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Some of this read like a novel. I really struggled to make a lot of sense out of this
He buys a shop to save an old guy so that he could save the planet from aliens while it shooting snakes with a bow and arrow??

I'm sorry This one didn't work for me
It looks like you made the parameters though which is better than a few scripts on here

Good luck

Very imaginative, I'll give you that.

'Nuff said re: dialogue and formatting. Think it through and clean it up and you may have something that has not been done before.

Thanks for sharing, writer! Good luck.

Hello writer

I assume this red rain is in reference to the phenomenon in India. I think a little more context needs to be added into the script.

The Cave scene I am to assume is some kind of mystical test (not an annex to the shop) so I would make this more clear, at the moment it reads as if the cliff is next door.

He already showed the wisdom trait by using sound to scare off the snakes. The snakes after that (including the larger one) seems like overkill. Although I did like power the large snake had, with it's changing color affecting the environment, very unique and visually interesting.

Quoted Text He stops walking, deep in thought. Suddenly, he uncontrollably goes up to the sky. Danny is stunned. He is flying.

He already flew into the forest, so wouldn't be confused here. Just an editing issue, merely have him walk into the forest.

Love the courage and wisdom factor that is present throughout

There are some logic issues, and you should work on using visuals first, dialogue second, but all comes with practice.

Quite the imagination you have. Well done

Matt

I'm struck by the language similarity in a 1985 film by Wolfgang Peterson ENEMY MINE, where the two protagonists must create a separate language in order to communicate and survive. They were talking to themselves until they realized they had to create a new language. So I wonder if DANNY felt he had to talk to himself in order to stay grounded. I agree with most of the critics that this needs clarifying because its very distracting.

The bow and arrow would seem to be the source of power in this story. It just needs someone to operate it. This Danny is the power to do that. Because each arrow shot morphs into multiple arrows to kill the snakes, I would have to categorize this script as a fantasy. But I don't need it to become animation. There is enough technology available for live films that can turn arrows into multiple threats and hands into large snake heads. Remember the Sindbad films that used Ray Harryhausen live action in the battle scenes.

The story  was confusing in several places. How did Danny get from the shop to the cave? And going up to the sky and back down wasn't clearly developed enough to explain motivation.

It will need quite a bit of development and clarification to answer the questions just about the practical locations and the Bow and Arrow.  Better yet, since it was initially a published novel, reading the book hold the answers.
Glad you got it in writer. But it does need some work to make it viable.

I'll agree with much of the prior comments. The writer may be ESL, but that would mean they know another language that I don't, so no demerits there.

A lot of lengthy direction, or obvious action that doesn't need explaining, or even silly such as the dialogue below.

DANNY
(to himself)
My God. I'll die if it hits me. I
have to get up and run.

I'd rather see an Action line such as, The Bow and Arrow fall quickly towards Danny.

Good luck. Keep on writing.

Wisdom is an excellent virtue to build a script around. I also like the idea of a bow and arrow that nobody can handle. Try to avoid passive voice. Here's an example: "The sound of rain is heard."

Writer,

I like the premise of this story, just not the execution which really sets it back a bit. Most of your dialogue is telegraphed directly in the action lines just before it, which left me skimming through most of this. Aliens? Good. Red rain? Good. Wisdom and courage? Very good. Still, it was all very matter of fact. Up the tension, let’s us discover a few things ourselves and you got the makings a a pretty good script. Good work!

Steve

I am writer of this script. There are some comments I disagree. There are some comments I agree.

Michael.