Pg 1. Could probably end the first scene with, “There’s something down there” and cut directly to the box in the next scene. Little nip/tucks like that can save you some space and improve the pacing a bit.

Something strikes me as off about the way Graham allows Jaxi’s death. I don’t know if it needs a better set-up or a better build, but it seems so abrupt. It starts as a pretty ordinary domestic squabble about marijuana and very quickly turns into cold-blooded murder. But nothing about Graham being a pothead suggests he would do this, and nothing about their argument suggests a hate so deep that he’d just let her die.

Maybe my problem is letting Nana die at your feet puts you into irretrievable villain territory, and if Graham’s going to be an irretrievable villain, I’d prefer him to be an ACTIVE villain. Have the argument get heated and he pushes her down the stairs or something. Cause than we’ll never know what he’s capable of going forward. Right now, he’s only to be feared if you happen to start dying in front of him.

I think you could easily cut the scene between Roger and Parker down. It’s a pretty long way to go for the general gist of the scene, which is Roger asking for a bribe. (As a side note, I’m thinking Parker would only agree to this if he had actually staged the break-in, as he wouldn’t want anyone looking deeper into it. On the other hand, if he’s innocent, I would expect his next move to be getting Roger on tape asking for a bribe and then threatening to sue the ever living hell out of his employer).

At page 30 and I like seeing Graham, Parker and Anne emerging as an interesting villainous family. But I’m still waiting for any of this to matter to Claire. I’m hoping it’s not much longer before she starts feeling the effects of their pursuit.

Pg. 31 Is Claire engaging in this affair JUST to get the in contact with the owner? I feel like she would have the address and phone number of the house on file if there’d been a prior appointment. Why doesn’t she just go knock on the door?

It is a nice irony that the people she’s looking for are also, in a roundabout way, looking for her.

Pg. 33 “built Biltmore”  ...don’t know why that stuck out at me so much, but maybe “constructed Biltmore”?

I’m not sure having Claire repeatedly point out how long the story is will make it go down easier. I’d at least cut down some of the explanation of who George Vanderbilt was, since the story’s not really about him anyway.

Pg. 46 Laura’s dialogue on this page had me doubling back to check her age. For a second I thought she was 4 rather than 40. I might suggest working on the character, but at this point I’m not entirely convinced this particular character or relationship needs to exist. READING ON: I got the point and it worked for what it was.

At the midpoint now and there’s not as much plot movement as I would hope for at this point. There’s actually a fair amount of repetition. Claire and Jayden go on multiple dates and tell each other stories. Graham and Anne hook up a few times. And Francois tells Claire he wants to go treasure hunting. But during all this, it’s hard to see that anything has changed in these character’s relationship to the central plot. Parker is the only one who seems active right now, and it’s almost as if every other character is in a holding pattern until he makes his next move.

I’m a little confused about what was going on in the Anne/Graham relationship. At first she seemed to be in the power position. I imagined a history of abuse that was being repeated. Then Graham turns the tables, but I’m wondering what gave him the will to do that in the first place. Before he kills her, he asks for the doubloon. Was he only sleeping with her to try to acquire its location? In his conversation with Parker he indicates that he already knows where it is. Was this a lie?

Pg. 57 “He fills in the hole.” Seems kind of OCD. Why not just leave it there? Would someone complain?

Nice gruesome demise for Francois certainly ups the stakes, but I’ll admit I was worried about him back on page 30 when Parker first started searching. In that context, I think this would play better earlier as it would clue Claire in to something dangerous going on. Right now, that’s my biggest complaint. Claire is too passive and uninvolved. While a murderous conspiracy develops all around her, she seemed to be stuck in a romantic drama plotline up until the last few pages.

Pg 97 Parker’s “self-defense” explanation doesn’t make much sense. She shot his brother, so Parker shoots her. But would the police really buy that she’s the aggressor here? Isn’t Graham going to be easily found out as a murder? And they’re in her house. A much better plan would’ve been to let Graham kill her and then shoot him, because then he could argue he tried to save her.

It all ends a bit abruptly, which I suspect was due to time constraints. Most of the threads are tied up, but there’s not much resolution for any of the characters.

Alright, the good… I like the dynamic of the Mason family. They were a nice dysfunctional family of villains, but I believe more could’ve been done with them. Ann never really got in the game the way I thought she would considering she was the returning matriarch.

I like the dynamic between the two brothers. I think Roger’s little story to Parker about “squeezing too much” set-up the brothers well. I could kind of see that story was about them, but I was wondering which one would end up feeling “squeezed too much”.

I also like the fact that all these characters were tangentially connected to each other even before the search for the box began. Knowing Claire was Jaxi’s decorator lent a bit of tension (perhaps not exploited enough) that Claire would simply stumble into the wrong situation at the wrong time. I think it would’ve been funny if Parker, after all his searching for the chest, all the murders and all the blood on his hands, invited Claire over only to have her put the chest on the table right in front of him and say, “I think this would look nice here”.

As for some of the areas to work on. First, the McGuffin here is really three McGuffins. There’s the chest, the doubloon inside, and the map from the chest’s etchings. I’ll be honest, I was a little confused which I should’ve considered most important, and which Parker was most interested in acquiring. All of it, I suppose. But it might work better if you structure one McGuffin into another. For example, seeing the doubloon is evidence that someone has encountered the chest, and the drawings on the chest ultimately lead to a bigger treasure.

Finally, the biggest problem is Claire, the presumed protagonist. She’s without a goal or purpose for almost the entire story. It’s unfortunate because it seems like every character BUT her has a goal or driving motivation. If it were me restructuring this, I’d get to Francois’ death a lot sooner. I saw it coming from a mile away, and it was a little tiring to wait so long for it. I’d kill him off somewhere in the first half, and have Claire’s goal going forward to be finding out what happened to him. You can still develop her relationships with Jayden and Parker,  but those interactions will have more energy if she’s trying to get information from them while balancing that relationship.

Anyway, Good luck going forward with it. A script in seven weeks is always an accomplishment.

Okay, I've read half of this script now. I don't see the writer chiming in on this thread. Am I missing some posts? Does anyone know if the writer has commented on any other scripts? I've been unable to follow all the posts on the features submitted due to having visitors and traveling.

If the writer is not around, I think I will quit here and read some of the scripts where the writer is around.

If anyone knows, please let me know.

Yes he is around. He has commented on my script so far. I think he's gathering reads before responding.

Thanks Dustin! Will finish tomorrow then.  

The writer is here.  Not lurking just waiting for more comments.

PARKER (CONT’D) First, you’re gonna tell me where you sold my stuff, one item in particular.  What did you do with the tea chest?

This is the end of act one imo, here on page 22. I wonder how you could do things different with the back story, getting the gold coin this far, because the read wasn't engaging me. Maybe cleaner? I think too much time was spent on the father and son and the coin for starters. Maybe just a montage of the life of the coin would work, images of it being minted, exchanged for a musket, found it's way into a the tea chest, carried across the Atlantic in some Spanish galleon, fell from a row boat going ashore, pulled up by the boy, etc. Maybe shots of people always being killed for it? Just thinking outloud to get here quicker.

I have a hard time with the dialogue. Most of it comes off as filler and as filler is distracting. What do I mean? Like the voice overs as Molly is getting slapped.

The conversation on page 35. Why?

Anne says don't block the sun. Claire said don't block the sun.

When Graeme kills Anne I about checked out of this. There is no cohesive story here and I think it suffers from Identity crisis. Seems everyone is dishonest save for the shop keepers that had nothing to do with the tea chest. Feels very chopped up and duct taped together.

I skipped to the end. Not for me. Didn't engage at all. I thought for a moment around page 22 there would be something to look forward to.

I guess with everyone sounding like a crook, nobody thought to call the cops about all the break ins and such.

Richard, awesome that you wrote a feature in such a short time!

I read your script up until page 70, then I decided to quit. You have a lot of things I like in your script, but they don't really go together. I liked the mystery of the tea chest, the doubloon and the map. I was also intrigued by the crazy dysfunctional relationship between Graham and Anne. Liked the kinky murder. Blackbeard and the treasure digging. The Southern setting and so on. It was also a clean read as far as I could tell.

There were plenty of problems with this script. The biggest one is probably, who is our protagonist? None of the characters are very likable. They are all bad people. A protag doesn't have to be a good guy, but an audience must have a character to empathize with. There were none here.

Another problem for me, at least, is the disjointed, sometimes even jarring feel of this script. Who is your intended audience? Most of the stuff in this script is light in feel and would probably get a PG rating. The parts with Graham and Anne would get an R rating for sure. Incest. Sadism. Brutal murder...   Those are two completely different audiences types. The people that would go see the PG parts would be very upset with the R rated parts and the R rated audience would be bored stiff with the rest. IMO, you need to think this over. Either pump up the PG parts or ditch the R parts.

Plenty of good stuff in there. You just need to decide where you want to go with it. Who you want your audience to be.

Thanks for taking part in the 7WC.  

The following are just thoughts and questions as I read. As such, they can sometimes come off as harsh or negative. Not intended at all, I can assure you.

Page 1.     I think I commented on this exact thing when I read the first 10 pages, but since it's still on here, I'm going to assume you're stubborn and want to keep it in there. Why is the kid middle class, but his father successful? Don't they live together? Why not say the father is a successful and just leave the kid be? Seems to me, they would have the same social status, no?

Another thing I remember complaining about when I first read this. It's 1920, yet you state that the garage is old fashioned. First of all, how many people had garages back in 1920? How many people had cars for that matter? So, how old fashioned is this garage? From 1889? See what I'm saying?

Page 3.     I think your descriptions are a bit overdone sometimes. Here you write "The intricate tea chest sits on a small table from the 19th century." Is it really that important that the table is from the 19th century? It is inside an antique shop, so we would assume the table is old...

AN interior decorator.

Page 4.     I remember this nitpick too. INT. INNER SPACE - DAY  This is a VERY confusing slug. Inner space of what? Can't be the antique store since Claire just left it. It seems to be inside a house. Later in the paragraph you tell us we're inside a decorator's show room. This needs to be in the slug! Slugs are meant to tell us where we are and what time. Why not write INT: DECORATOR'S SHOW ROOM - DAY? If it is the name of the shop, then say so.

Page 6.     "The heat doesn't bother her". How do we even know it's hot?

I'm on page eight and so far, I can't really say I like any of the characters. I thought Clair was going to be our protagonist, but the way she so callously refer to Jaxi's death and when they will be able to collect their money, doesn't make her very likable.

Pages 11 - 15 is all one scene with all dialogue. Four and a half minutes of two guys just talking. Nothing much of interest happens here. The glass from the door is on the outside instead of inside, suggesting it was broken from the inside. Why not show us that instead of telling us? Roger is also hinting at getting paid a percentage of the insurance claim if he signs it. IMHO, this scene doesn't need to be any longer than 2 pages or so.

And from that, we go straight into another talky scene. Two pages of only dialogue. That means in the last seven pages, seven minutes of film, there's only been talking heads only. My suggestion would be to have the characters do something visually interesting instead of just sitting at desks or couches talking.

My thoughts after the first twenty pages.
I'm still not sure who the protagonist is here. Who am I supposed to be rooting for? Now I'm thinking that it's not Claire. The most likable person so far is Parker. I was just about to say too, that I was wondering what happened to the chest, but you took care of that at the end of page 20.

So far, we have a tea chest found in the 1920s that is several hundred years old. Somehow it ends up in an antique shop where Claire finds it. A rich southern lady dies and leaves her estate to her daughter whom no one has heard from for ten years. She does not at this point play a big part in this story at all. One of her sons robs the other son and takes everything of value from his townhouse, including the tea chest. So, Graham must have sold it to the antique shop. Now Claire has it and she also just happens to be the rich old lady's decorator.

Page 22.   They roll "down" a country road.

Page 23.   "He could be wrong. He may have been under the influence of drugs at the time."  That doesn't seem like something someone would say in this situation. At least not to me.

Page 24.   Parker backhands Molly???? Now, that really doesn't seem to fit here. If anything, I honestly thought Parker might turnout to be a good guy, but then he hits a strange woman? An older one even.

There is also another thing that I'm wondering about here. Parker is pushing Molly about having bought stolen goods. I don't know how this business works, so I'm just asking. Is it common for antiques dealers to have to find out if the merchandise is stolen before they buy it? I know they have to in pawn shops, but is that really the case for this type of place? It just seems that Molly is in the right here, which really works against the character Parker.

What does, they are to far for jitters mean?

Page 25.   I appreciate the conversation between Jayden and Claire over the visuals of Francois and Graham and Parker, however, when that is done, the  scenes usually have something in common. The dialogue has something to do with the visuals. I didn't see that here. Did I miss it?

Now Graham is beating Molly as well?

Page 26.   Now Graham is punching Molly. Do you realize that this makes us hate the two brothers? Maybe that's your intent. We'll see.

Page 27.   Don't get why they have to burn the antique store down...

Page 28.   So, Jayden is a cheater, or just an attorney willing to do anyting for a few bucks?  

Page 29.   Last time we saw Francois, just a couple of scenes back, he was leaving the store with the chest. IMO, there needs to be a scene between that one and the one where he's back at the store the next day. You don't have to show us where he went with it, but there needs to be something in between those two scenes for it to flow better and don't feel disjointed. Maybe just a tiny hint as to where he went.

Page 31.   Some mommy abuse? Good twist, unless you intended for her to be the protag.

Page 33.   The Biltmore. Love it! Also, the home of Mason Verger.

Page 31 - 35 Again, way too long a scene. I honestly don't think the whole story about the grandfather is necessary. I get the feeling that this part is dear to you, but for a film, I would suggest cutting that down to two pages. There's a well know expression for writers, "kill your darlings/babies". Writers hate doing it, but for the good of the whole, it's sometimes necessary.

I'm thinking good ole Francois will try to get the ransom for the chest himself?

Page 39.   Things are getting interesting.

Page 40.   a chest LIKE this once

Okay, my take after the first 40 pages. I still have no idea who our protag/hero is supposed to be. I honestly don't like any of the characters. They have all proven themselves to be bad people in one way or another. That's not good. I think it's something you can easily fix once you decide who the hero is.

Also, it's only now at 40% into the story that something really interesting is happening. I love the Blackbeard's treasure idea, but it comes way too late IMHO.

I'm on page 45 and I think this Anne and Graham thing is getting a little weird. It's not like I'm against incest in films, but it's usually a big subject in the film. Here it's barely even a subplot. Like something normal. I'm not sure how to feel about it here.

Page 46.   So, Jayden cheats on his wife. By now, it seems there is something wrong with Laura, but I have no idea what. She's 40, I think and both times we've seen her, she's been in bed. I would suggest filling us in on her condition when we first see her. Right now, I'm just confused.

Did Parker leave the map? People are already going to know Inner Space has been burglarized, so why leave without nothing? Maybe have Parker break in without a trace. Maybe he is good at opening locks. Breaking the window and not taking anything would cause more, suspicion IMO.

Page 47 - 49. Same issue as with the Vanderbilt Biltmore story. Too long and not really interesting. People will tune out. Find another channel. Trim it, trim it, trim it.

Why have a little glimpse of Graham in bed and then leave? We already know he slept with his mother. What does this scene do for us here, now?

So, mother and son are going to get kinky too...

Page 54.   Claire should be a little more upset to find out Jayden is married, IMO.

I'll be honest, but I'm having some serious issues with the son and mother thing. It doesn't seem to fit the rest of the story. At all. What is the point of this subplot? If it's all about the doubloon, it still seems way too extreme.

While Parker's mother is being murdered by his brother, Parker is discussing decorating choices. This is starting to feel very disjointed to me.

Page 56.   I think the problem here, that makes it so disjointed is that everything here besides the Mother son thing is a PG script. The Graham and Anne story is an R. Maybe even a hard R for incest and sadism. Even if nothing is shown, we're not exactly left guessing either. My suggestion is to choose the tone and rating and then stick to it throughout.

Page 57.   Again, we have intercutting scenes that don't belong together, at all. Francois on the beach digging while Anne is gutted. It's jarring.

Also, why is Francois filling in the hole?

Page 58.   "He listens for half a minute before he kills the call." Are you saying we the audience should sit patiently and wait while he sits with a phone to his ear for 30 seconds? That doesn't make for good cinema.

Page 61.   Parker doesn't seem too upset about his mother having just been murdered.

Page 63.   Parker smiles? If he didn't like his mother, I still think smiling here is the wrong thing you should have him do.

Page 64.   Parker wants to talk decorating and spend time with Claire???? His mother has just been brutally murdered!!! By his brother!!! Don't you see how wrong this is?

Why these constant little scenes with Francois? They don't really add anything to the story.

all,

thanks to anyone who read this.  The fact that people couldn't finish says more about me than about them.  I agree that the pace is too slow, that the story doesn't twist enough.  

With Parker, Anne, and Graham I was reaching for a dysfunctional southern family where they abound.  The chest is meant to be perhaps real, perhaps not.    There is no love lost between mother and sons, and I think I portrayed that.  Graham is a little torn because he was the victim the first time around.  But he hates his mother too...she left.

The protag is not as strong as one would want.  She comes alive only at the end, but then she's not trained to perform great feats.

In all, I think the macguffin works, but the story lags.  I should kill off Frenchy earlier and ramp up the love triangle.

best
Richard

Hey Richard,

Just seen that you've commented on Blood Harvest. Big thank you for that. You raised some great points. I will try my best to reply to them sometime tomorrow, if not Wednesday.

I've got to page 44. I will finish reading your script tomorrow.

But in the meantime, here are my thoughts so far:

P. 1 – I feel this scene would work better if you end on the “There’s something down there line.” By ending on that, you’re ending on the strongest line of the scene, and I feel this sets up the subsequent transition to the box more effectively.
Although I imagine there will be subsequent examples as well, I’m just going to briefly mention this here; there are some issues with the writing, in the sense that I do not always feel your descriptions are as effective, or visual, as they could be. For example, “a successful man with an afternoon off...” – I’m really not sure what this looks like. How do we know that he’s successful? Through his clothing? His way of speaking? This type of description just seems a little lazy in my opinion, as you’re telling versus showing. Similarly: “A 12x12x12, corroded, metal box sits on the work bench in this old fashioned garage. To one sides sits a 1920 car.” Not to mention the typo (“sides” should be “side”), this description really doesn’t conjure up a clear image for me. What makes the garage old fashioned? Show us. Don’t tell us. What type of car is this? Throw us some specifics. Show the reader that you know what you’re talking about.

But on the same point, other aspects are under-described. For example, the slug: “EXT. TOPSAIL ISLAND SOUND – DAY” Not to mention that you repeat the “Topsail Island” part in the super directly below, I don’t think this is a great slug. I cannot picture the scene from the slug alone, but you don’t describe this scene (apart from the “bobbing in the waves part) – are they near shore? Miles from land?

I won’t pick up on little issues with the writing later (unless something really trips me up), but I recommend going through each scene and scrutinising the description and action, asking yourself if: A) you have provided enough detail (without overwriting) for the reader to effectively picture the scene, and; B) you are showing details, rather than merely falling back on telling the reader.

P. 2 – “Father’s” doesn’t need to be capatalised.

“Inside, the driest tea leaves ever, leaves hundreds of years old.” I wasn’t a fan of the “driest tea leaves ever” line, as this is the kind of line which makes little sense, as something like this is so unquantifiable.

P. 3 – The transition from the past to the present wasn’t as smooth as I would have hoped for. Maybe something as simple as a fade to black would work.

“Yeah, a treasure chest.” This line felt unnecessary.

P. 4 – “INT. INNER SPACE – DAY” This is a pretty dreadful slug. The first line of the description (“Claire’s store...”) should be in the slug somewhere.
P. 6 – “He looks like the bad boy he’s become.” OK, I said that I wasn’t going to comment too much on the writing, but this line needs to go, as I have no idea what that means.

“...the proverbial prodigal son”... “One row behind the trio stands JAYDEN MABURY, 40, handsome in all black, the family attorney”... Your character introductions need quite a bit of work There’s so much telling, here. How do we know he’s the prodigal son? How do we know this guy’s their attorney? This stuff just screams lazy writing. I did like the “high” line when introduced Graham though.

This death scene with Jaxi... This didn’t work for me; mainly because it was so left-field, and wasn’t in line with how you’ve introduced Jayden. He tries hiding his weed, tries convincing his Grandma that he won’t get in trouble, this would indicate he cares about her... but then his actions here are so callous, I don’t know, man. If you want to keep this, I would consider making him more of a dick earlier. Have him blatantly not giving a fuck about what his Grandma says. He doesn’t try and hide the weed. He lights up in her face, whilst she’s talking to him. Maybe also give us some insight into why he doesn’t intervene. Is she threatening to cut him off if he doesn’t stop smoking?

OK, so I’ve read the first ten pages, and I have the exact same problems with this as I did previously: The story is all over the place. I still have no idea what the central story is going to be or, more worryingly, who our protagonist is. You introduce a number of key characters in successive scenes, but we never stick with anyone for more than a short scene or two, which means we never get the sense of whose story this is. I’m guessing (from your logline, at least) that Claire is our protag. But why should I care about following her? What have you shown us to make us want to follow her – or any of these characters, for that matter – for another 90 pages?

I would consider beefing up what you have here. Your script is only 101 pages, so you have a good 10 pages or so to work with. I wouldn’t necessary consider using this much here, as we still want to get to the central dramatic question/story as early as possible, but I would still recommend using a few more scenes here, pushing this opening 10 pages to 15, and using these scenes to only focus on Claire. Show us that this is her story. Show us why we should care. Show us what makes her unique, what it is that motivates her, what are her central relationships, and what in these need fixing? Have the audience connect with her. Give us something to make us WANT to follow her for the next 90 pages. I’m guessing that Parker is going to try and get this chest back from her? But for this to work, we need to see: A) what the chest means to Claire, and; B) what she’s set to lose if Parker does indeed retrieve it. Because, at the moment, I don’t fear for Claire if Parker tracks her down, i.e., I doubt any harm would come to her if her found her, and she gave him back the chest (contrast this to, say, No Country; we know that Josh Brolin is dead if Anton Chiguh ever tracks him down). So give us a reason to care about what happens to her box. Furthermore, by doing this and beefing up this earlier part, you also spread out these extra character introductions, so the 10 pages won’t feel so taxing on the old memory, as keeping tabs on all these characters thus far hasn’t been easy.

Ouch. This scene. So much backstory revealed in such a short space of time.

GRAHAM: “Hell, you haven’t been around for ten years.”
PARKER (to Jayden): “Are you sure about this. Our mother abandoned the whole family.”

Not to mention that both lines are over-the-top with the old backstory, but they both reveal identical information. The top line is bearable on its own, so I would recommend axing the second.

Dude, this scene with Parker and Roger? It goes on for waaaaaaaaaay too long.

ROGER: I’ll tell you a story.
PARKER: I don’t have time.
ROGER: Yes, you do.

No, we don’t. We really don’t. We’ve been away from our protag for a good five pages, and now this Roger character is dragging this scene on with a redundant story. And the worst part of it was that I was actually quite liking this scene until it outstayed its welcome. I would consider cutting the scene here:

ROGER: “What’s it worth to you to get my approval?”

Parker’s eyes narrow.


That’s your watershed moment, the moment where the dynamics of the scene completely change. Cut there, on the strongest moment. Go out with a bang, a mystery to feed the reader to keep them interested, rather than heaping all of your information on us at once, and having the scene fizzle out.

Page 19 – I was quite liking this scene again, but as before, it goes on for waaaaaaaaay too long.

GRAHAM: “I swear, I swear it wasn’t me. I could never steal from you.”

This scene was going swimmingly, with this line; we have some real nice mystery. Who robbed Parker? What did they steal?... And then all is revealed: It was Graham, and he only stole money and property to sell for weed. Thus, the earlier mystery is rendered completely useless, and all we find out by solving the mystery is what we already know: Graham doesn’t really like his family, but he sure as hell likes his weed.

The only saving grace of this scene was that we find out that Parker really cares about the tea-chest, which in itself, is a little mystery. But I still feel this scene would have worked better if we didn’t find out it was Graham who broke in (even if it was), with the extra mystery of why Parker wants the tea-chest also being introduced in the scene, later.

Also, Graham’s dependence seems more in line with the harder stuff, notably heroin. Why not just make him a full blown upper class junkie?

... CT'D...

Page 21 – This scene needs a lot of work. Conflictless, little information – either related to the characters or the story – is revealed, dialogue is mostly banter or filler revealing what we already know, and I wasn’t a fan of the running “ET” gag either. Sorry to be harsh, but we’re 21 pages in now, and still the central story hasn’t emerged. We can’t waste pages on scenes like this here.

Further expanding on this, the main problem so far is this; there is neither a story nor a protagonist emerging. And this is a real problem.

I know I said for you to spend more time with Claire earlier, but you still need to get to the central story earlier.

Streamline everything.

Is it necessary for us to see the death of the Grandma? And even the funeral? What was the point of that scene? Can we not just be introduced to Parker with his trashed flat, then maybe have him visit his brother, so we’re introduced to him, then have the scene with the family with the attorney? Boost Claire’s involvement as well. What does she want to gain? Why? If she’s your protag, make this her story, with the other subplots growing from this central story, not the other way around (which is how it currently is). At the moment, the story that you are telling is Parker’s. This isn’t necessary bad, because he seems a whole lot more interesting than Claire. But I’m not sure I want my protag to go around backhanding women. I think Parker works best as an antagonistic force. Maybe further increase the stakes by hinting that the man could be dangerous.

P. 24 – “Drinks in front of them, they’re too for jitters.” Huh?

Argh, this voiceover... Seriously, cut it. Backstory, revealed in the worst way possible. Once again, telling versus showing. End this previous scene with Claire’s “Are you sure that I’m not?” line, as I thought this was strong. But this voiceover... This wasn’t great, dude.

This scene with the brother’s torturing Molly – better. Doing exactly as I hoped you would, and making these guys the true antagonistic force at hand.

However, I have two minor gripes: Firstly, everything that has come previously would indicate that it would be Parker slapping Molly, and Graham searching the files, not vice versa, and secondly, why is Molly holding out this information? What does she lose by telling the brother’s who she sold the chest to? Give us some reason for her to take a beating for the sake of the chest.

Yeah, the return to the dinner scene... Not great. The main problem with this dialogue and voiceover was that it was completely void of any conflict or subtext. It was just two people sprouting their backstory. No one wanted anything from the scene, which was surprising, because both went into the scene with clear goals: Claire wanted to find out about the estate, Jayden wanted to bed her. But then, here they are, discussing backstory.

Either cut the scene short, or give it a reason to exist.

Wow, so Molly died for Claire? A complete stranger? Shit. That just doesn’t ring true, for me.

P. 27 – “Parker drives as Graham reads through the business cards Parker took from Molly’s. The ones he doesn’t like he tosses out he window.” Say what? How does he decide what ones he doesn’t like?

I personally feel that you are making a mistake by overcomplicating the story by introducing this doubloon. There’s already a lot going on, and I feel that introducing a secondary goal for Parker and Graham will add an additional complication that you don’t need; an additional subplot to pull the reader’s focus from the central story (when it finally does emerge). I hope you prove me wrong.

P. 28 – We really shouldn’t be spending time with Jayden and his wife (?).

P. 31 – This scene sums up the problems so far:

“Claire leans over the side and lets her fingers brush the water as the boat leans. At the helm, Jayden smiles at the wind and sun. A beautiful day to be on the water.”

This is your protag... 32 pages in... without a clear story... and she’s just sunbathing on a boat? I get that the tension is slowly rising, with Parker and Graham getting closer, but without either: 1) A reason for us to care about Claire losing the box, or; 2) A reason for us to fear for Claire once Parker and Graham find her, then the stakes/tensions is always going to be pretty low. Furthermore,

P. 32 – “Tell me a story.” Fuck! Not another story. I am guessing that some of the information contained in here is going to be crucial to the central mystery of what is this chest... But I seriously found myself skimming this scene. Which, isn’t great if the scene contains some information which will be central. I know that exposition heavy scenes cannot always be avoided. I am guilty of them as well, and I too am struggling to find a way to make the ones that I have in my scene work. But I really think that you need to trim this scene down to its bare bones. Give us the information you need, as concisely as possible, then get the hell out of the scene. It seems that even you/Claire are aware that the scene and the story drags:

CLAIRE: “Do southern tales ever get to the point?”

I feel this relationship between Claire and Jayden needs some work, mainly because it seems just tagged onto the story, without effecting the central story, or the protag in any way, i.e., where is the conflict? Claire seems to have some reservations inviting Jayden in, but how does this relationship reflect her character? Where is the internal/external conflict? Where are the issues in the relationship which need to be resolved?

P. 43 – Hmmm, this scene has a lot to like (aside from it being a bit on the long side), as it’s pretty heavy in dramatic irony and subtext. Furthermore, we finally have Claire being active...! I still feel this scene could work even better if we feel that Claire is threatened, really up the tension. Maybe the audience knows that Parker is some kind of dangerous, ruthless psychopath. Maybe he suspects that Claire knows more than she’s letting on. Just some ideas, but I feel that could really up the tension and the dramatic irony.

Also, this line – “I can see why you want a chest.” – should be “the chest”.

Toby,

Thanks for the notes. I can't argue. You're mostly right. It's the problem with having. 7 weeks to finish. Your attention is appreciTed.

Best
Richard

Hey Richard,

Got to page 89. Need to quickly run for a meeting, but I will finish this tonight.

My thoughts for the next 45ish pages are below:

P. 44 – “She hands him her card.” This shouldn’t be dialogue? I’m not even sure this scene is needed?

P. 47 – This scene… Cut it. It’s two and a half pages or irrelevant, conflict-less chatter. No-one in the scene wants anything. Claire goes from dinner-to-breakfast, without any real sense of direction. What does she want from this story?

“He doesn’t have to lift the blanket to see that he’s naked. He knows.” How will this look on screen?

P. 52 – Errrr, wtf’s happening here?

p. 53 – This should be Claire exploring the island, not Frenchie. Every character in this story is more active than Claire. Even Anne (she wants to molest her son), Jayden (he wants to sleep with Claire) and even Jayden’s wife (she doesn’t want him going out). But I would struggle to identify what Claire wants. She originally wanted to do something with Jaxi’s estate, that was why she visited Jayden in the first place, but that soon evaporated… She then wanted to find out about the chest, so she had dinner with Parker, but that, too, soon evaporated… Even this next scene, where Parker reveals to Claire that Jayden was married… The reader should share Claire’s pain here. But because we’re never sure how she feels about the man (she didn’t want to commit earlier, then she’s out buying dinner for Parker), it’s hard to be affected by this scene.

This Anne/Graham relationship needs a lot of work, IMO. It’s too explicit, for my liking. Have you watched season 2 of True Detective? Whilst some people hated it, there was a lot to like there. Especially the relationship between Taylor Kitsch and his mum. The incest was hinted at, and it was this subtext which made their relationship as interesting as it was. Maybe dial back the explicitness of the relationship here? A little can go a long way.

This death scene was too left-field for me, as well. How does this change the story? I’m up to page 85, and the mother’s death has yet to impact the story. Graham hasn’t been arrested. The police aren’t snooping around. This plot point needs to impact the story, bro. There needs to be some kind of complication from this. There’s just so much going on, but none of it involving Claire, who seems to be happy to drift from one dinner scene to another.

P. 58 – “He listens for half a minute before he kills the call.” Have you thought about how this would look on the screen? Someone standing there, passive, for 30 seconds?

This phone call could have been created some real conflict, what with Parker having to run off, cut the dinner date short… but because neither character has a goal for the scene, it’s just too people talking again, there is little for this phone conversation to obstruct.

“You’re not yet under arrest, but that can change. Want to tell me what happened?” Huh?! How has he not been charged?! Why wouldn’t he have a criminal attorney? Why didn’t he try and hide the body?

P. 61 – I don’t know how things work stateside, but in the UK, this guy most certainly wouldn’t be sitting at home a few hours after killing someone, even if it was self-defence. “The police haven’t completed their investigation. Until they do, there’s not a lot to do.” <-- This. Surely they wouldn’t let this guy out, until they’re sure that this was self-defence? Especially with what Parker/Graham are set to inherit? Surely the police would be sniffing around this?

Would Jayden really be having this conversation with Parker in front of Claire?

P. 65 – “How can I turn down such an offer? I’ll meet you there.” They haven’t set a meeting place yet?

This transition from Graham grabbing a beer from the fridge to breaking into Claire’s house reads awkwardly, as if we’re missing a good two of three scenes between. Nothing in Graham’s behaviour indicates that he is about to do anything other than to collapse on the sofa and enjoy his beers.

I’m at a loss as to this scene with Graham, as well. How does he know where Claire lives? Why is he obsessed with her? (i.e. stealing her panties.) What is he doing there?

Ah! And another scene with Claire at dinner. Dude, half of Claire’s screen time must have been spent aimlessly talking around a dinner/breakfast table. And this is meant to be our protag?

“I’m afraid I have to cut dinner short.” Why? This seems as if it has been added to simply add some kind of tension, in relation to Graham’s burglary, without there being a justified reason for Claire actually cutting the dinner short.

Huh??? So Graham is at Claire’s because of Parker…? Did I miss something? Just gone back and seen the “At nine” line. Hmmm. I missed that one first time around. Maybe make it a bit more explicit why Graham has gone to Claire’s. IMO, you gain nothing here – only lose something – by avoiding this clarity. By making this crystal clear, you’ll not only give this Parker/Claire dinner some great subtext, but Parker will also have a goal (keeping Claire at dinner with him). He needs to try and stop her leaving.

P. 69 – Why does Graham leave when he sees the SMS message? Surely, that warning is now null-and-void after knocking her unconscious?

P. 71 – “No, no, no, you will not touch her. Do you understand?” Have you seen The Town? This does something similar, with the character dynamics of the lead female/male character, and the unhinged secondary male character. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it. The scene in the pizzeria is a masterclass of dramatic irony.

P. 73 – “Your payment. t he door was unlocked.” Typo.

“Say, as an attorney, do you know anyone in the police department?” Why hasn’t she already phoned the police? Why would she need an attorney’s help here?

P. 77 – This scene was far too unnatural, with the exposition and character motivation overload.

P. 79 – Two of these slugs are missing ‘full stops’ after the INT./EXT.

P. 82 – So Claire still hasn’t reported the burglary?

P. 83 – “Mind keeping the chest for a day or two while I clear my head?” The brothers have been in the shop asking for the chest. The shop is broken into, followed by Claire’s place. And then Francois is offering her the chest to look after? Why can’t he store it himself, in his house? Why haven’t either of them made the connection between Parker and the robbery?

P. 84 – Further building on my previous comment, I am sure that the police would be further investigating the death of Anne, now that Graham and Parker are set to inherit everything. It’s not like she died in some kind of accident. The woman was stabbed to death.

P. 85 – And now further based on my other previous comment – I really do feel that there is too much going on, with the chest and the doubloon. Your story is being stretched too thin across too many subplots, that nothing really stands out.

P. 88 – “You think you can steal our treasure? Enough?” Graham was the one who stole it in the first place…? Graham needs quite a bit of work, IMO. What does he want? Why does he suddenly care so much about the chest he originally stole? He seemed to want the doubloon, but now he’s happy to murder someone over a chest which he didn’t seem to care about when he sold it earlier?

Claire has totally disappeared from the story these last few pages... You could honestly remove her from the story, and there would be very little change to the overall script. In fact, why not combine her and Francois? Francois is the most active of the two. Why not make Claire the one who is obsessed with the chest?

thanks for the detailed comments.  They all go into the hopper.

Best
Richard