Reminded me of the film Dead End starring Ray Wise.

This had no surprises for me and lacked a descriptive atmosphere. You spend more time describing people in the diner that have no purpose to the story than the diner itself. I think they should be swapped.

More pages can add more flavour here. This isn't an original story, it's been done to death, but you should put your spin on it a bit more. Have more back and forth between Jimmy and D, the silence is boring to me.

It's well written, as others have said, but I feel like it will simply get lost in the pile by the end of the day as nothing really "stands" out.

Page 1 - Something is WAY off with your software!  Look how many blank lines there are before your OVER BLACK.  Look into what the issue is and get it fixed.

The whole OVER Black thing doesn't really work as written at all, as no one knows who's telling us this.  How in the world would we know it's a newscaster?  Lose it!

WAY to many spaces after your FADE IN, also.  Something is seriously wrong or you're padding this for some reason with blank lines.

"DANTE'S DINER" - Really?  Oh boy...I wonder what's gonna happen here...  

Why is there a space before your period in the 1st passage?

"D"?  Oh man..c'mon now.  Did you realize how obvious all this is?

"windscreen"?  A Brit, obviously.

Wow...look at your sentence structure.  Literally almost every single line begins with a character's name, or he, followed by the action they're doing.  Writing is just not good at all, and this is so obvious, so cliche, so been there, seen this, I'm actually kind of surprised.

This is a tedious read.  Damn...you'd think this would read so quickly, but it's like reading a shopping list over and over.

All this "stuff" happening in the car is beyond wow.  Like, WTF is going on?  This is a Mustang, for Christ's sake.  You know how small the back seat is?  None of this could be going on and no way to film it...or see it.

The End.  Well, I read the whole thing, but it was a real chore and a real bore.  This has been done to death and nothing here makes it feel any different.  No likeable characters, no surprises.  Not for me.

*

What can be done here to make this different? That's one question to ask.

Let's look at the logline:

>On a rainy night, two men meet to discuss a peculiar, recurring dream.

It has me thinking that a discussion is taking place. It's not.

The title isn't right. The dream is not of the devil, but of a dead mother and daughter.

The period being off on pg 1 is so minor, but so obvious it's unsettling. I know. Groans.

I had to ask why you only chose "D" as a name. It's too easy.

The use of "already" etched on his arms is weak wording.

Jimmy's dialogue on pg 2 should be shown as a flashback dream sequence perhaps with V.O.

I liked Jimmy's reaction shot early on with D in the diner. When Jimmy's looking away. This was really strong and well done for me. It caught him perfectly.

I don't know Paint it Black



The shots of the cook and the other drugged guy are good images. Try and capitalize on this.

Who is Jimmy? Is he a druggie? Was he? Does he have any chance at leaving this hell? Maybe he does. Maybe there's a slim chance at a way out or something.

What needs to happen here is for Jimmy to have some kind of motive. As it stands he's just a guy yelling, "You sick, Bastard" type thing without a chance in Hell ( sorry I had to) to get outta there.

Good for entering and this is a good start fo more to come.

This is better than I thought it was going to be.

The opening is a little rigid, the descriptions could use some work and the dialogue isn't all that great. It is memorable though, which is important for the end.

The car ride itself was the center piece, which is what you were probably going for. You created suspense with the foreshadowing, and I like the variations this go around, which you also foreshadowed. I like the stylized technique, especially with the body bag. Kind of David Lynch.

The only confusing part for me is why is the woman being punished too? Because she's as much in hell as Jimmy if she's forced to live through this over and over again. Or is she the manifestation of his guilt?

The length suits it, the tone and pace are good, there's nothing bloated about it and nothing really missing. Nicely done, I like it.