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The Gathering by Dale Creams - Short, Horror - Something has arrived with a storm outside Santa Fe, New Mexico, and it brings a gift to mankind that will keep on giving. 11 pages - pdf format
I kept waiting for some sort of pet revolt - like all the neighborhood dogs and cats trapping the remaining humans in their homes. The scene with Jake getting struck in the underbelly by the road carcass was very John Carpenter's The Thing. I was hyped to see these pets going wild and tearing shit up. This is the suspense you built in the opening pages only for the focus to shift to Bill and Austin in the Range Rover - which technically never served a true purpose within the story, only to meet the criteria of the contest.
I felt you hit a wall with not including a vehicle and went this direction?
I didn't get the Ride The Lightning concept other than its obvious reference to Metallica. Who is riding the lightning? Who are these things that came from the storm and what is The Gathering? In order for this story to work we need to know more about these beings. At least some subtle hints as to what their main objective is.
As for overall format, this is well written and easy to visualize. I just never felt any kind of prolonged suspense or tension.
This was really well written and follows all the, shall we say, best practices. I definitely know who wrote this. Good job.
Story wise, I wish there was more. Not a lot of conflict or challenge. Too easy a takeover for whatever it is. I needed Austin to put up more of a fight, or even the girls. And maybe they do and we just don't see. Otherwise, we all go out with a whimper.
First I want to give some advice to new writers - its good practice to use a SUPER asap to establish when and where the opening scene/s are taking place. Once thats in then the reader knows the location and - if its a period piece - the year. This script has the location in the log but I would still have a SUPER early just so we know.
Loved the concept of this and its well written (no wrylies or orphans in this bitch lol) but it fizzled away dramatically around when Bill turned up. I woulda just left Austin there to battle whatever was going on. And the dribble that Bill was talking became farcical. There was too much stuff going on that wasn't gonna be covered in 12 pages so the ending was just like...meh.
The vehicle part of the criteria is not met at all! its just thrown in there and adds nothing to the story lol! Anyway I liked the first third of it but it went downhill from there.
Almost forgot a couple of gram errors: you spell hell in dialogue with a capital H and you misspelt lightning in Bills talk too
This is well written, aside from some spelling issues that have already been called out. The dialogue is especially strong, and the visuals are up there too.
The pace is all over the place. It starts off way too slowly with no conflict. A cat and a dog being a cat and a dog isn't conflict. Jake and the coyote kick off the story, maybe it should start there. You don't really need the phone call, it's exposition that leads nowhere since the ending is just kind of tacked on for effect anyway. Really, this all boils down to mentioning a storm (you don't even have to show it), the coyote encounter, Bill showing up and acting weird, the car scene, and an ending.
The ending here doesn't work for me since I don't care a jot for the women. There's no emotional impact.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say this does indeed qualify for the OWC. The people are the vehicles. We just don't know what for. The Range Rover scene is suspenseful and does involve a vehicle, so you fulfilled that criteria too. But it is a stretch.
Nice job entering. It's not really original, but the Range Rover scene won me over.
Title page - the stuff about the script requiring permission is very oddly against the far left side. Just looks weird.
1st half of Page 1 is well written and visual, but do we really need all this visual detail?
OK, 1 and a 1/2 pages in and nothing has really happened. I assume the storm "brought" something with it, based on the logline, but it's moving slowly.
Now, 2 and a 1/2 pages in and still very little. I see some character in Austin, but not much, and again, just have to say too slow, bro...but I do feel something is about to happen...or at least, it fucking better!
OK, bottom of Page 3 and we have some action...horror? I can see Carpenter's The Thing in the dog pen here.
Page 4 - Do we really need this newscaster thing? Well...let's see if we do...
Page 5 - writing is very solid, still. Things have picked up, but there's no vehicle, and it appears Austin is fucked.
I like the animals licking each other...kinda creepy.
Finally! We have our vehicle!
And there we have "The Gathering". Hmmm...OK...but what about the suspense and the vehicle?
Page 9 - Good...you delivered.
Oh boy...the dreaded double line wrylie! Really?
And then, you've got 3 misspellings of "lightning"! Really? I could have sworn there was lightning early on...let's see...yeah, OK, you spelled it right on Page 1, fucked it up here somehow. No biggie.
OK, the end. I like it. Writing's good. Dialogue's very good. I think you nailed the horror and even vehicular suspense, but this story does not revolve around a vehicle. It's also reminiscent of several movies - Body Snatchers, PuppetMasters, probably a few more. far from unique, but as I said in a recent review of the zombie in the ambulance, this is well conceived and things fall into place quite nicely.
No it’s not a carbon copy of Invasion of the Body Snatchers... but the inspiration is there. Very good. Very well written. As usual, I was impressed with your grasp of the craft.
The dark ending, I liked it. Well, I think it was dark. Sure it lacked punch, but I think the page count works against you here. I'm glad you didn't ruin a dark story with a sappy happy ending. Hollywood loves those. Often times I prefer dark endings. The world isn’t always a happy place. It's all about leaving your audience with a feeling of impact and sometimes nothing does that better than a dark depressing ending. But it seems I’m in the minority here.
Rene C. makes a valid point. And I concur. Screw GOOGLE. Think of your body as a vehicle. A spirit steps into your body, and uses your body, your language and your gestures to communicate for itself. Well, if you believe in that sort of thing. Shit. I'm rambling. Regardless I think you met the parameters.
You switch from Range Rover to Land Rover - no big deal, comes with the time constraint of the challenge - but should be consistent
You could very easily have gotten rid of the small page 11 with a bit of rewriting - makes it look cleaner.
Alright, I'm done - I enjoyed the read, you are clearly a good writer - The vehicle was light, too light for the parameters of the challenge - I'll dock points in my scoring for that.
You nailed the suspense, but horror? not horror for me really - I also feel like body snatcher story lines have been done to death.
I also felt a bit deflated at the end, what was this thing that rode the lightning? and what is the point of taking hosts? is it a parasite? Joining the gathering didn't really seem that bad lol he was still him, his memories - but happier.
This was a decent effort. It's certainly well written from a technical perspective, albeit a little verbose (I didn't mind this, although there were moments of redundancy; how many times do we need to be reminded it's raining/lightning). Not much by way of character development, but it's a simple relatable setup, and the dialogue more or less works. A basic (and thus strategic) concept for the OWC; sustainable with much potential for conflict, but simple enough that it doesn't require a massive setup that pushes the page limit.
That said, I did find this to be a bit generic and honestly lacking in conflict. There're some interesting confrontations with the animals early on, but they're resolved almost immediately. The human encounters play out in basically the exact same way. I'd think there'd be some sort of visual fallout to the "infected" (perhaps a change in skin tone or speech patterns), but not so much. It's all pretty cursory, but it does build and move along, which is fair enough given the constraints of the challenge.
Only thing I really didn't like was the use of the vehicle. There's no reason Bill wouldn't have turned Austin immediately at the house. They needed to get in the car to meet the challenge and that's it. Doesn't strike me as having had much effort put into it, but I can't know that for sure, to be fair.
Fine entry for the purposes of the challenges. Definitely not crazy about it in and of itself but didn't find it particularly off-putting either. Might not fare well in this challenge as far as being memorable though. Good job in any case.
Not a whole lot going on in the first 3 pages, except for the one incident. I think you could probably have gotten there sooner.
A lot a detail about how much everyone weighs, is that really necessary? 275 pounds seems very specific. I think it would be better to describe their body shape, it’s a lot more visual that a weigh. Maybe something like BILL, 50, rotund or overweight or anything other than a specific weight.
The first 2 pages of this horror is the MC playing with his pets. Page 3 and he’s talking to his wife via a tablet , his very attractive wife I might add. This is indeed horrific.
“And if you’ve just tuned in” – well that was a lucky coincidence.
Page 5 – no sign of a vehicle yet.
A vehicle is in it briefly, but it feels shoehorned in. Luckily there is Serena who is extremely good looking to distract me.
Sorry for the sarcasm, but this was what I was thinking as I was reading it and I always find it helps to know what goes through readers mind page by page. Overall it’s a classic Invasion of the Body Snatcher’s type story with no new twists or spin and falls foul of all the clichés. Those who are taken over acting like they are high was interesting and you could develop that further, as you could expand upon what the gathering is.
As is though, this isn’t original enough to get me high, nor does it match the criteria enough in my opinion, but well done for entering.
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Getting a Body Snatchers vibe from this, or some host controlling parasite.
The beginning of the script there's just not much going on. Half a page for the weather which can really be described in one sentence. And 3 pages in and nothing has happened so far.
Technically the script is fine. The dialogue needs a few more passes.
Like others have said the car feels like it was shoehorned in so for me that doesn't quite meet all the OWC requirements. The horror is okay, I mean, it doesn't have a lot but it clearly would be in the horror genre.
This feels like it could have been more. The main problem is that everything happens so smoothly. Zap. Done. Sure, it does add a creepy element, but more conflict would have been welcome. As it sits, the main conflict is really just Austin telling Bill he's acting funny.
Now, having said that, you clearly were going for more of the suspense (per the parameters). So, maybe I'm being too harsh?
Overall, this was well written. Could be shortened, mainly in early pages.
Good job.
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Loved the opening description... even how the rain escalated to a storm. However, this bit tripped me up. Lightning crashes down? I think that could be better.
Code
Rain pounds down.
A writer with a 'down' problem. It's poor because which other direction does rain fall? It's lazy because you use 'down' when you could add some better description. Maybe the rain pounds against the corrugated plastic roof of an outbuilding? Rain pounds against concrete paving slabs? Feed me a sensory experience I can use. Rain pounds down is shit.
Code
...sending wafts of smoke into the dark night.
I hope just by enclosing that section of one of your action lines that you already know what I'm going to say... dark night? That is overwriting. It does nothing. What is the point in pointing out that it's dark at night?
Code
The wind howls, causing a multitude of wind chimes, hanging from the covered patio, to sing out into the storm.
I really like this. I don't like the word 'out'. I like the imagery and sound this action line conjures. However, I'd consider playing around with it a little, trying to perfect it. It could be a great line.
Code
...AUSTIN CHASE, 45, rises from his bed.
'his' goes without saying. It's more overwriting that spoils the read. You're also telling us it's his bed. Not that it wouldn't be obvious anyway.
Code
AUSTIN
Wow, big storm, huh, Jake? You wanna get in
bed with me, Buddy?
Not sure I like where this seems to be headed.
Code
Jake's tail wags, as he bounds into the big bed, almost landing on
MR. WHISKERS, a fluffy white, ten pound cat. Mr. Whiskers
MEOWS, playfully swats at Jake.
AUSTIN (CONT'D)
Easy there, Mr. Whiskers. There's room for
all of us.
I feel nauseas. Like I've been tied to a chair and forced to watch the opening of a Disney movie. I'm not sure I can recover enough to read on.
Code
DEBBIE
I'm a little burned, very tired, and missing
my baby!
Austin sips his coffee as he talks.
AUSTIN
Me too, had both Jake and Mr. Whiskers
in bed with me last night.
So what did happen that night?
The writing is fairly good. You pulled me in at the start but then the overwriting got a little tedious. Then the cutesy guy hero almost made me vomit.