Good job...easy to read.

Right away in the first scene, the dialogue comes off very forced and contrived.  Kind of stale.  The setting has me interested, but little else.

And, just because I noticed it, be very careful when you phrase descriptions like this:  'He peers into the darkness of the woodland path, glances towards the pub, and heads in.'  The pub is the last subject you leave was with, so it sounds like you're telling us he's walking into the pub instead of the woodland path.

All right, technical niggles aside, this story I feel would be much better either without dialogue, or with better dialogue.  It was all too expository.

There was a good setup, very mysterious and moody, and I was interested in the abbey.  But then, the story took a turn for what I think is the worse.  It might be an intriguing idea, but a couple things didn't sync with me.  Briggs just disappeared and it became a whole different story.  A whole different setting.  A whole different atmosphere.  I just wasn't following and didn't understand what happened.  Well, I understood what happened, as I'm not a total stranger to astral kind of things, but I didn't understand what happened to the parameters of the challenge.

Somebody mentioned about the writer finding their comfort zone.  Sounds like that's kind of what happened.  The writer started out writing in the proper genre, then had to resort what they feel more comfortable with to finish.

This one has to percolate a little, Mark. I found myself asking questions in the review, but then coming up with most of the answers as I wrote. When you put it all together, it works much better than you realize while reading.

It does meet the challenge parameters. The ghost is an astral projection, but the girl does die in the end, so it is also a disembodied spirit. Whether that spirit existed after she dies, in other words a ghost, is an open question but an interesting one. Did her astral projection merely time travel to the past and to the future in order to influence events? Or does her astral projection remain as a conscious entity after she dies? Either way, I think it qualifies as a ghost, since ghosts could very well be astral projections.

Was the ghost misunderstood? Sure. It still is, since we are invited to ask the questions I outlined above.

There was some passive writing involved and a few other instances were the writing could be more clear. "Blue that has surrounded..." We eventually see that this was the blue of the monitors, but at the time of reading it is awkward.

I liked the sci fi twist. As long as we started in the typical Gothic vein I think that's covered. A twist on that is welcome, and it's not a reach. Think of Frankenstein and the use of technology.

To me, the important thing about Gothic is connection to the past. It generally emphasizes the romantic over the rational, the spiritual over the scientific, and there is a bit of a bridge here. It ends up in this story with more of a scientific explanation for the past, which is definitely not Gothic, but there's enough Gothic here to have the challenge covered.

In a longer version of this story, that bridging of the spiritual and esoteric with the rational and scientific could be the theme, and could be where the protag's character arc is grounded. The professor who is trained as a scientist, but who's science involves study of the past and who is always tugged at by things mystical and non-rational. The result is a battle waged within his intellect between the competing philosophies. And that battle is at the heart of Gothic. Gothic literature evolved as a reaction to the rational, the progressive, the scientific. To react to something you have to be acutely aware of it. The result of this battle between the modern and the mystical can be monstrous, like Frankenstein.

I think you'll settle in to this story after it spins in your head for a bit.

It's funny you chimed in with that Kev.  I was just doing some grocery shopping and found myself thinking back to this story a little more.  (Thank goodness I didn't read any of the other stories before I left, or else I might have been concentrated on that one, instead.)

The more I thought about it, I was very much in the wrong for stating that this wasn't in the parameters of the challenge.  Afterall, the beginning does have a very gothic feel to it, (well, my own personal definition of gothic).  And there was a ghost of course.  I guess it was just that the story had the feel of two very different stories going on at the same time that threw me off so much.

It was a very interesting idea, too, but I still stick to what I said that the dialogue really brought this one down for me, through all stages of the story, from the bar to the main character talking to himself, to the doctor and the experiments, and to the innkeeper and friends coming back into the picture, the dialogue could use a lot of brushing up.

A bit of a mishmash with this one, combining the Gothich stuff withe...well, other stuff!

I like the setup. The pub legend, the walk to the abbey, the vision of the White Lady.

Then it veers sharply into a mad scientist type thing. And, as Ryan pointed out, Charles does naff all for 6 pages!!

Nothing wrong with the actual writing style here though. A good re-write would give it some more cohesion and tightness.

PS - during the lab scenes, I somehow imagined the Beatle's 'Tomorrow Never Knows' playing in the background!!

'Listen to the colour of your dreams'...

I agree, actually Mark, on tweaking the writing. I think I said so in my review. The scientist is a little too much on the nose, especially since he's either talking to himself or to the girl imprisoned.

I think how you view this one probably depends on how you feel about the sharp turn it takes into the mad scientist lab. My first reaction to that was to appreciate it's originality. I had questions about why the lab was there, and if I couldn't answer those, I would have rejected the concept as convenient, but eventually I decided it was there because of the gateway. I now know it was also creating the gateway in loop that go's back in time.

This is the issue we all have with expository writing. The scientist talks too much, so he comes off as unnatural. But his words are mostly necessary to convey to the reader what is happening.

I am constantly evaluating not only how to avoid expository writing, which I grant is important, but also when it is acceptable. I think as writers we are being taught that expository writing is a mortal sin. But like flashback, it is not a sin in and of itself, it is just something dangerous for a writer, as a story can get stuck.

In my last OWC, I tried some experiments. One thing I tried was to have an old man tell a story. I knew there would be a bad reaction to it. But the thing is this: if the story the old man tells is itself interesting, then is it unacceptable? I think the story was slightly longer than a page. I calculated that in a film it would take about 45 seconds. If the old man is interesting to look at, and a good actor, and there is some natural tension already in the scene, and the story is good, is this still a mortal sin?

With the expository writing in this story, if we get rid of it, the story itself is probably impossible. So is it worth some expository writing in order to convey a complicated story, one that will challenge your mind? I think so. I think it should be tweaked to sound more natural, but it should be left in the tale.

All right, so at some point in the future some kind of mad, religious scientist builds a gateway to other dimensions using the soul/death of a young woman?

So this opens a gateway right throughout time, and presumably the future, and even into other dimensions.

So whenever the astronomical/weather conditions are right, the portal opens...because the lab is still there in the time it's built. So it's repeating forever, no matter what happens outside of that moment because the portal was opened...and therefore cant be shut...because it stands outside of time, but throughout time as well?

But only when the lightning comes? Think you'll have to make the atmospheric conditions a lot weirder as though the portal is affecting the whole immediate area, sky included.

Anyway...the girl, despite being dead, chooses to stay behind to suffer eternally, to stop anyone else getting the secret? I think so, but maybe you need to show her make that choice...could be effective.

Only thing you can do with Charles is have him incapacitated by the Monk/scientist, if you want to include him somehow. He can't interfere, or it would wreck the story. So he gets incapacitated, put in the other cell. Scientist gets on with his work, then the ghost herself locks him and Charles into the cell?

But if the ghost herself can move things, she wouldn't need Charles in the first place, so you'd have to lose the bit where she beckons/talks to him (no loss)...just have him follow her. Would that work? She could also turn off the computer, in her own time, as it were.

This would also allow you to have a moment when the scientist decides to come for Charles in revenge when they're both in the cell, and just as he's about to strike him dead...the ghost turns the machine off and he's back in the present.

Then Charles is locked in the basement himself...and can be rescued by the local guardians.

Maybe find a reason they know he'll show up as well. Make them a bit more proactive.

This story is split between the old and the decaying and the Gothic, and the new and modern and scientific. I'd like to see that theme play out in the intellectual battle within Charles's mind. An archaeologist has to often choose between disrespectfully disturbing the past which he reveres and advancing knowledge, which is his job and passion. It's a never ending war of competing philosophies, and it cuts to the heart of the story here. I'd recommend developing Charles in that way, and then somehow have it play out as a choice he must make...revering the past, or advancing knowledge.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this one. On the one hand, writing and dialogue is good. On the other hand, the story is a little quirky. Switching to sci-fi is supposed to enhance the story, but I felt confused. I kept trying to figure out why Charles was a theologian (it was in the first dialogue) observing the lady's suffering. I kept expecting to wrap up with theology. I think I read too much into it. Anyway, a thought-provoking piece.

Thank you for sharing.
Gary

OK...I read from start to finish...that's a good thing.  Based on how whacky it was, I honestly wanted to continue and find out what the heck was going on and why.

It's bold and ambitious, but IMO, far from effective.  Lots of mistakes and problems throughout.  It's also far from clear or "logical".  Dialogue is not good, IMO.  Actual writing?  No, not good, either.

Does it meet the requirements?  Well, I guess that's up to each reader's opinion.  For me, it didn't really, but then again, I don't think the writer really intended it to.  There are Gothic elements, and I guess there's a ghost, but...

For ambition alone, I'll say it's probably somewhere near the top of the heap, but it needs alot of attention.

Quoted from Ryan1 Our Lady of The Eternal Suffering.  That was the name of my grade school.(rimshot) But seriously, I'm going to have to disagree with the other posters.  I just didn't care for this one.  This felt about as far from Gothic Horror as possible.  Sure, it was set within the bowels of some Gothic ruins, but it contained none of the classic elements of Gothic horror.  This was much more of a trippy sci-fi tale.  On that end, I actually thought it was pretty good.  Almost like a throwback to 1970's astral projection stuff with all kinds of weird laboratory equipment. One big problem was your main character, Charles Briggs, completely disappears from the story for a full six pages.  By the time he returns to the story, I had pretty much forgotten about him.   It's an interesting idea, these Gothic ruins being a sort of an eternal portal to alternate dimensions, but the jarring shift of the first five pages of atmospheric horror into straight up sci-fi didn't work for me.

Nice critique, Ryan. Did you write this one? I think you're quite capable of it.     Or is it someone else "floating" around these boards.  

Case or not, this is exactly what I think. This is more like sci-fi than gothic, but I wouldn't hold it against it.

Here:

>The abbey as seen in hyper reality

**I don't have a problem with that. We can say, "What does hyper-reality look like? Sound like? So if you even just supply a little nudge in that direction after you've written that, then I think it's good enough. Two or three words might do it.

I completely could relate to this script. It is actually realistic to me. The only question I have is:

How is it that she stays, protecting secrets eternally? I mean, I get that she most likely wanders, jumping, as it were, through dimensions, (I can really get with that  ) but what? ...

Oh, I get it!!!  

Ok, I'm not going to give everything out. Where's the fun in that?

I really loved this one. I really did. In every way, this was a very precious read.

Sandra

Interesting take on the ghost story. The writing is stellar, great job. It's certainly gothic, to contradict some previous comments, and the spirit is there even if it's not a traditional ghost.

The pacing is off. You have a solid start and then it gets bogged down with a long walk punctuated by a few moments of horror. Your main disappears for a while, which I'm okay with since we're repeating events that already transpired for him, but I'm left a bit confused. The scene changes from two empty rooms to the experiment in progress. I'm assuming the White Lady pulled him into her dimension or her time, but he doesn't react in the slightest, like it happens every other week. Then, when he becomes important again, he acts like he knows exactly what to do, right down to operating the computer. How does that work, exactly?

The doctor was so over-the-top mad scientist it was comical, completely incongruous with the tone and setting. Your characterization is so strong for Charles it's almost painful to have to swallow the tripe this guy spews out for dialogue.

This has tremendous potential but has a few major problems. I'd gladly read a rewrite.

Okay read this.

Quite an interesting take on the theme, I dont if this could be said to be straight up Gothic or not though. Maybe Sci-fi Gothic because it for sure mixes both.

Either way its good IMO. It more or less easy to read.

Very good job on finishing!

It started off pretty good. I’m actually a huge science fiction lover so that was all right with me. However, it’s about that point that the story is derailed.

We go too long without Charles. From page five to eleven, the main character is absent from the story.

We don’t know anything about the lady. She never does anything but suffer. Doctor Philips is basically a sci-fi scientist who keeps us informed. Without Charles, we really have no main character.

This is made worse by the fact that Charles is also completely inactive during his absence while actually watching what’s going on. Why no effort to stop what’s happening? His inactivity hurts him as a character as well as hurting the story.

There were good things. The description is pretty good and I actually liked Charles.

It has a lot going for it but, ultimately, it just doesn’t work. Nice effort, though.


Breanne

I didn't like how it started, but once Charles got into the Abbey I felt this was ambitious and quite a deep tale in such a short amount of space.  

A thought I had, since there was so much going on toward the end - this vortex deal has always been there and every so often someone comes along to try and expose it, so it's the Lady's job to protect it as best as she can, right?  That's what I gathered from it.  It's cool.  

Where I had an issue is that it starts off pretty routine with Charles looking for something, there's hesitancy from the locals, he goes anyway, the usual.  But then there's a huge chunk where his character disappears altogether.  I don't know how to fix that to be honest because I liked the sci-fi aspect a lot more than Charles' character up to that point.  

But this is a solid entry.  Really enjoyed it.

Nice job.

Greg