Wow I’m amazed out how many of these are so well written. This one was a breeze to read. Your title is awesome. I love the way it relates to the story.

You do a great job at giving us just enough backstory without giving too much or it feeling like backstory. It creates a mystery as the story unfolds while reading.

I think the dreams were done well. I really love the way they escalate each time. And I love how he seemed to learn from his dreams and make a life changing decision.

Great story. Really good writing. In my top three.

what I liked:

A good attempt to dig into the character and to delve into human emotion. We don't see many character pieces in OWCs, especially when the theme is Jaws.

The writing was generally good. Sometimes the dialogue with Randolph threw me and I wasn't sure what was being said. That could be the beer in me at the moment.

what could be worked on:

There's no real shark attack unless I missed it. In fact, there really is no shark, is there? There's the Shadow of a shark in his dreams, representing an unconscious fear about moving forward. I'm not sure if a shark shadow from the depths of the subconscious really meets the criteria of the challenge. I would say it would be ok if we were lead for most of the story to believe it was real...but we always know it's a dream. There is never even a threat of shark. Do they even leave land? Other than the swim at the end.

My main problem was that nothing happened. In an OWC that's supposed to be about shark attacks, it all takes place in a guy's shack, where he drinks, talks, dreams, drinks, talks, dreams again. I mean I'm all for taking a sentimental cruise if at least something is going to happen at the end...but it never does. He gets a letter.

We're happy to see him end up with the boy..though there is no indication he wants this. And now that I think about it, do we want a boy to end up with a drunk in a shack? I guess we do because we sense both their loneliness.

This is a very bright writer, so whoever it is we're lucky to have him/her in the OWC. The writer likes to dig deep and think carefully. Excellent. But something has to happen, too. I mean at the very least, establish early on that the kid and Sharky should end up together, get us wanting to see that happen. Also, if that is the goal, then Sharky should maybe DO something to earn it. Other than open the hatch in a dream...and get a letter...and decide to keep the boat(too late?)

I probably missed stuff. Sorry. Tired. Maybe I will come back tomorrow to it, definitely a quality writer.

I struggled to read this. Maybe I'm rushing, I've read so many and I'm not giving this the attention it deserves but although it's well written I'm not getting it or getting into it.

The dream sequences, the melencholy - it's hard work and my mind isn't latching onto anything.

I can't judge if this is any good or not, need to have a rest from reading scripts and come back later.

Congratulation on entering the OWC and sorry my review isn't helpful at all!

20. Shark Dreaming - After the death of his partner, a fisherman is tormented by a life changing decision he must make.
Brief - A guy gets over a recent death to make a decision about the future of the living.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 3
Sharkie, Randolph, Jimmy
Scenes to Build  - 3
Shak, Store, under the ocean
Accessory Visual - average
Accessory Audio - average

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  ChuckleMAO! As I look over the whole screenplay why are there several lines in bold in this? (Rhetorical). Please don’t do that. Okay, I’m starting to read this, now... I just read the first and second scenes and am scared that the time to produce all this detail is going to be cost prohibitive.
     Alright, before I even attempt to figure out some of the production cost of this I kinda skimmed over the subsequent six pages and I’m not going to do this as is. Essentially I’m out on the first page or two. It’s too… difficult + time consuming to do this right. Technically it could be done simply, just a whole lot of simple. But maybe I can make this MORE simple.
     The story itself: Heartfelt. It’s beautiful. You did good here.
     Biggest problem is that this existential drama content is real hit-or-miss on the festival circuit. And that’d be a lot of time invested for possibly no payoff.
     Oh, BTW, you failed to meet the “rogue shark attack” criteria.
Final word - Consider. This would be a special project that makes no business sense.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 10.8          Screenplay Pages
= 108/162     Total Build Hours Time Cost

It's clear to me that some people are rushing through these entries. I think this was a breeze to read and perfectly understandable...should the reader take the time to finish it in one sitting without interruption.

This is a clever entry, my second favorite of the bunch (one great entry after the other). It's got the boat, the shark, the shark attack (smartly mentioned through dialogue), and a story worth telling.

I could see where the script was going by page 7, but I wasn't disappointed. It's a happy conclusion, after all.

Great job, and congrats on successfully completing the challenge.

Chris

'Shark Dreaming' writer,

You've got a subtly beautiful story here.
I don't see it as a pop-corn gobbing audience crowd pleaser, but I do see it as a "you gotta be in the right mood to appreciate it" work.

Now, to execute this in animation style I'd have to apply a technique I've no experience in but would like to try in order to render the scenes as gently as I envision them.
Actually, there's two different ways I could do this.
They'd be notably different from what I've done in the past, so there's some genuine learning curve involved on my behalf.

So, what do we have?
A powerfully understated story with a limited audience.
A pair of execution options I'd have to invent from scratch. (Quality controls for these are the biggest hassle, BTW.)

And it would take weeks of work. Well over a month, honestly. Likely two.
And what would we have... ?! Eh... Trash or treasure, likely.

I'm still interested, though.

If you're pretty sure you've got nothing better to do with this story I'd like to get in touch with you to discuss what my animation technical limitations are and how you could consider tailoring a variant of this story to accommodate those limitations for production into an animated short for festival submission, ideally for the 2015/16 circuit, but... I'd really have to get some solid limited viewing feedback to see if the results warranted the known expenses of festival entry fees.

If you feel it's appropriate to hold onto this for a while, shop it around to more credentialed entities, then by all means gopherit!

Just know that this open offer is here, now and for down the road.


Sincerely,
Ray



P.S. For the writer's poll this is the other entry that got one of my two recommends, as well as my reader's vote.

A lot of good stuff here, Bill. A little light in shark killing, but nice to see writers try to create characters of depth.

Thanks all for the reviews.

Issues with this script;

1] lack of shark attack - yup, hands up. Alas this was the story that came to me so i knew as i entered it that it would struggle on that criteria.

2] Its too slow - i agree and i don't. Err...what i mean is that i agree it is a slower script and needs boosting, which i am doing, but at the same time i think the visuals of the dreams, the tension within those, coupled with the normal life etc would drive this along.

My revised script has a different structure, hopefully this keeps it more engaging and dynamic.

Ray - many thanks for the offer. i will PM you the revised script. Before your offer i was seeing what i could squeeze out of this for competition entry. Doesn't mean a production can't be working in parallel if ok. Lets see.

All in all a good OWC

Cheers

Personally, I liked how you presented the shark.

I should have known this was yours. First clue...the title. Duh. Dreamer. A few of us should have caught that. But also your knack for creating a dreamy atmosphere. I'm sure you'll nail the pacing in the rewrite. I loved how it all tied in together at the end.

I'm here for reads when you're ready!

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Ray - many thanks for the offer. i will PM you the revised script. Before your offer i was seeing what i could squeeze out of this for competition entry. Doesn't mean a production can't be working in parallel if ok. Lets see.

Sounds good.
re parallel: Agreed.

Just read the revised draft. And I'm really starting to draw some interesting conclusions about this business. More on that after, first the script.

It's very fine work! The new draft certainly addresses the issues some of us had. It's a very smooth read, very well written, story well crafted.

It also occurs to me that the old draft may in fact have been better than I realized. So my new appreciation for the story comes in part from the improvements, and in part from already knowing the story. Hard to tell which weighs more.

This goes to the heart of a very big problem with screenwriting. It's generally not a good format for reading a story. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't, not through any fault of the writer, but rather because certain stories are harder to read in this form.

For example, here, when first reading, we kind of don't know much of what's going on with the boy and the will. In a well constructed film, that's less of an issue, as we have plenty of visual stuff to keep us busy while the story builds and reveals itself eventually.

In a script, it's not fun, because while you are trying to picture images that you are absorbing in words, and at the same time you are trying to figure out the story. Even in perfectly written scripts, it can be tedious.

Which makes me wonder if we're all going about this wrong. Maybe we should be writing short stories that would be easy to translate into a script if a producer wanted. Because what we really want is to be able to give the producer a vision of what the story will look like in film. Short stories do a much better job of conveying story than scripts do.

Look at the OWC. Readers regularly misconstrue scripts all the time. I do it too. Reading a script can be a damn chore, some times to no fault of the script.

Anyway, it's excellent work Bill! Really is. I don't really have anything to add this time.

Many thanks Kevin, appreciated.

Sometimes when you are close to a script it's difficult to see whether the changes you make have been as effective as you wish because you know it too well.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Maybe we should be writing short stories that would be easy to translate into a script if a producer wanted.

...or maybe we should write it in Chinese, but only Chinese that is easily translatable into French.

The point is, that a script isn't a story in the same way that a short story or novel is. And therefore nor should it be written so. A script is a plan of action. I once read that there is an odd group of people who actually read scripts... purely for the fun of it. Disgusting.

A script is your story, in a format that is ready and willing to be filmed. So write a short story, and then if you want it to be filmed, either get somewone to adapt it or adapt it yourself.

And this brings us back to your unfilmables - you can have these is any amount you wish - but should you want to translate it to a visual medium, then you'll have to temper your apetite for them where they don't lend themselves at all to the visual medium.

If you enjoy reading scripts, then you're odd. The intent is that they be film.

Simon, I've always respected you. Your post seems filled with attitude for some reason. Possibly it was this: maybe we should write it in Chinese, but only Chinese that is easily translatable into French. I mean why be silly if someone is merely making a conversational point? It seems unnecessarily disrespectful and didn't add anything to the discussion. I will keep my point respectful.

Just coincidentally, this was in scriptshadow today.

"So yesterday I saw Leonardo Dicaprio sign onto yet another book adaptation. And I can’t help asking, why do these big actors keep choosing these book adaptations over spec screenplays? It’s not always because the books have built-in audiences. I doubt The Reverent has sold a hundred thousand copies.

The more I look into it, the more I realize it’s because in a book, you can be right there in a character’s head with him. That kind of access moves people in a way scripts have a hard time doing. In scripts, you can only develop character through choices, actions, and interactions. You don’t have that first-person advantage a book does. And when Leo signs onto a project like this, I think he’s playing that big thick character whose head he jumped into in the book."

Of course a script is not the same as a short story, Simon. Not the point.

What is a spec script?

A spec script is basically a story you are sending out to film people in the hopes that it will impress someone enough for them to want to film it. That's all it is.

What matters...and it's ALL that matters...is that someone likes the story and wants to film it.

In theory, you could market a graphic novel, a comic book, whatever.

Mostly the way it's done, I expect, is none of these things. The usual way is for an established writer to talk to a studio exec, a director, maybe an actor and say these are my movie ideas. If he hits on one, they sign a contract and a script is written.

That's a very different thing than shopping a spec script...or spec story if we can call it that.

You indict your own logic with your conclusion: if one enjoys reading scripts than they are odd.

Exactly!

Scripts are a form that is not enjoyable to read. Which makes it...what? harder or easier to get someone to like their story?...it makes it harder.

And it's all about getting someone to like your story!

Once that happens, writing the script is the easy part.

The relevant question...which you didn't ask...is whether producers,etc. who are looking for original stories to film will look at short stories or novellas or novels. I can't answer that.

But look at Scriptshadow today. That story bought by DiCaprio was based on the book, which according to Carson was not a best seller. Somehow that book got into Dicaprio's hands.

And more films are made from novels than pure spec scripts!

It seems to me that in this field...and in life in general...people should be willing to ask questions and think outside the box. Yeah, the box is a comfortable place, some people are afraid to leave it, but what harm in at least thinking and asking questions?

If more original movies...and my understanding is it's many times more...come from novels than from spec scripts, isn't it logical to wonder if prose is a better way to market a story you have? Especially in the era of free kindle marketing?

As far as unfilmables...and I have no idea why you brought that up here except maybe it was simmering for you for some reason. But don't listen to me on the subject! Why should you? I'm nothing. However, I've provided a link to an article in GOITS, the Black List blog. Scott has been doing this a long time and has interviewed a lot of industry people. Doesn't that seem like a good source to you?

And no one...no one...is advocating going crazy with unfilmables. I barely use them...but I use them. Because again...the goal is not to create a blueprint for a film. It's not. That's a misconception. Not unless you've already sold the story. The goal is to write in a way which gets someone to want to make the film. To see it in their mind. If asides help with that, then they are useful.

BACK TO BILL'S SCRIPT

I realized yesterday that part of the problem with Bill's fine script had more to do with the screenplay format than with the story. And it occurred to me that it might be possibly true that sometimes...sometimes...prose would do a better job of getting someone to see the story as something worth filming.

And the whole point is to get someone to see your story as worth filming.

As it did with the DiCaprio project Carson reviewed today.

As it probably does a lot more than screenwriters recognize.

I don't need to convince you. I is, however, my hope that colleagues can discuss these things in a friendly and respectful way. You never know when an idea from Left field will help one of us in some way. If my discussions annoyed you, I feel a little badly, because I always liked and respected you. But it's not going to stop me from being honest with my opinions and thinking outside the box when I can.

Hi Kev. Sorry if I came across wrong in my previous post - that wasn't my intention. I guess I did find some of what you wrote to be a little bit odd though - but then we're all entitled to our opinion.

As far as making a film go, though, there are many ways that you can go about that process - as you note that many films are based on novels (not too sure 'most' films are done this way - wouldn't mind seeing your sources there).

What I don't get is why you would write a short story/novel when it is your intent to film the finished result? This is partially my point with unfilmable and the difference in the disciple of the two forms.

It does sound to me like maybe you want to just pitch story ideas? This is quite a valid route to go down if you wish, and you can do 2 pagers or 10 pagers, go down a development route etc and work out some interest in the story, develop ideas, get people involved long before the script is actually written -- and lots of films are done this way, people who have pitched story ideas, got interest, and then need the script written. It just seems to be a diversion to write a novel/short story with the intent of turning it into a script, and that diversion would take you into territory that is not useful for the end product (i.e. the unfilmables).

If you wanted, you could just write a story outline/step outline and see if there's any interest in the ideas that you have - maybe we should have a section on here for story ideas so that they can be hammered out before people commit to the full thing?

If you go to pro readers for coverage, they'll often complete a treatment for you, and this is what you can try and sell - well, there's nothing wrong in writing a treatment before you write the script - we could put treatments up here - again, helping to develop the key story concept before writing the script.

So there's a whole number of ways of doing this without resorting to novels - nothing wrong with novels, but they're written for their own purpose, and then have to be adapted, and that of course can be quite tricky, with all the past tenses, and chopping down that you have to do. I'm not saying don't do it as there are some advantages -- a bloke called Richard Garrison changed his screenplay into a novel in order to give it a more expansive feel, and as a technique for then selling the script - he also figured that he'd be in a better position as a published author and it'd lend him a bit of gravitas. I don't now if it worked, mind.