I totally dug the title -- went in hoping for cheese -- and got a decent serving.

The family is well-drawn, and Kwatoko an appropriate choice, if a little obvious.

For a short, it took a while to get going.  For example, I have no idea why we spent nearly a full page with Caroline's stuck foot when it had no bearing on the story.

While the beast was not what I was expecting, it was telegraphed well, so it made sense when it appeared.  And it was different.  And once introduced, it was used effectively.  The carnage was well-drawn.  The final twist was a little strained, but I like what you were going for just the same.

My main beef with this story?  Winnebagos already have a bathroom.  A small issue perhaps, but it bugged me at the time.  Have the family stop for a different reason.

I would rate this as a good entry, all in all, with little to complain about.  Nice work.

I LOVE the atmosphere that's in the first 6-7 pages. You've created precisely the people who would be traveling in a Winnebago, driving to Mt St Helens and stopping at an old Indian's shop. The dialogue sounded just like what you could expect from that. I really liked the way you had the Kwatoko play to the boy's sense of adventure, telling him everything the parents didn't want him to hear.

The family's demise is pretty perfect, too. It's very..."Carlinian" lol. It's kind of a great poetic justice for them and annoying tourists in general, trying to master/rape nature.

Although, I'm not sure what the point of the epilogue was.

i liked this one. the first page reminded me of scooby doo for some reason and that made me laugh. It moved pretty quick, it was silly at times but that didn't bother me. I was smiling through the whole thing. I liked how it ended with kwatoko, that was amusing. Good job on this entry.

I liked this, it was a bit of a slow burner but I think it hit the mark at the end.  It was well written/formatted and an interesting concept that I can't say I've heard before (kudos for that).

Good Job

Michael

"Honey, if I wanted to spend the weekend with some hairy ape man we would’ve stayed at your uncle’s." --  LOL  I like these people already.  

Totally into it until this line on page 7..."Thunderbird sure as heck didn’t protect any native tribes from small pox."  --  Gee Dad...way to bring down the mood.  Reminds me of something "Debbie Downer" would say on SNL followed by a horn playing...whaa whaa whaa....

I loved this family. they seemed very real to me. Great job there.

I don't want to give anything away but I didn't quite understand why that happened to Robbie.  I went back and reread the legend because I thought I missed something.  So that needs more clarification or a better set up IMO.

The last page with the new family went on too long IMO.  I got it as soon as the guy asked to use the bathroom that they were in for the same fate.  

Good job on this.  It's my fave so far.   And great writing by the way.  A breeze to read.  

As with all the others, I haven’t read any other comments before posting this and it will contain spoilers.

This was awesome! The best one yet. I loved it all. The way it was written was spot on, I could visualise everything without it being too descriptive nor was it repetitive. The dialogue was superb, the characters nicely flushed out and the story was well researched.

I was expecting bigfoot and I loved being surprised in a story. Even though all the clues where there I didn’t spot them until the attack happened.

I did feel sorry for the parents as they were nice and genuinely loved their kid but that’s another reason this story is so good, I cared about them so it was powerful when they got slaughtered. The entire attack was intense and visually it would look superb.

It made me think a lot at the end but in the right way. You didn’t spoon-feed me with blatant and obvious information, nor did you try to mask the story in so much mystical bullshit there was no answers or tried to confuse me with cleverness.

I love this story! Can’t praise it enough.

Despite the awesomeness of the story, what discovery was made that altered mankind? Obviously, it altered the dad a great deal, but someone could take the thing out with more equipment. Unless you're gonna go THERE and use a military full of buffoons.

Quoted from DanBall Despite the awesomeness of the story, what discovery was made that altered mankind? Obviously, it altered the dad a great deal, but someone could take the thing out with more equipment. Unless you're gonna go THERE and use a military full of buffoons.

Correct, Dan.  I agree 100%.  There wasn't any miraculous discovery that could alter mankind as we now know it.

(SPOILER) Man-eating eagles with a forty-foot wingspan could certainly be problematic, though.


Er, well...it's a stretch, but still.

Quoted from NickSedario (SPOILER) Man-eating eagles with a forty-foot wingspan could certainly be problematic, though. Er, well...it's a stretch, but still.

Plus a man with the power to (SPOILER) change humans into birds could be pretty impacting on mankind but I do agree, that aspect of the requirements is very open to interpretation.

The issue is that the child didn't discover the giant eagle and the child didn't discover the Indian - based on how it's written, this has been going on for some time, and the family here, is just another set of victims for the killer bird and evil Indian .

Or better yet, this suffers from the age old issue in horror movies of "something evil or the like" which has been going on forever, yet a group of peeps suddenly discover it, as if it's unknown or brand new.

Does that make sense?

For instance, if a child "finds" a secluded, hidden cave that no one has seen since it was sealed to keep whatever evil resides there, inside, then, yeah, it's a "miraculous discovery".

But, if a child walks through the woods and "discovers" a family of Sasquatches, that's been living there and killing there for many years...and gets killed himself, it's not a miraculous discovery.  At least not in my mind.

It's the same deal with the script about the maidens in Crater Lake.  Those maidens didn't just appear for the first time - they've had to be killing lots of men who camp there fro years and years, but then again, there's the rub, aye?  It doesn't make sense when you use a little common sense.

Quoted from Dreamscale It doesn't make sense when you use a little common sense.

Right.  

You're very detail-oriented I've noticed.  But whether it met the criteria or not I still enjoyed the story.  I suppose that's totally beside the point.

Quoted from NickSedario Right.   You're very detail-oriented I've noticed.  But whether it met the criteria or not I still enjoyed the story.  I suppose that's totally beside the point.

I too enjoyed it.

It's just a common mistake made...by Pros as well, over and over again.  Unless there's a reason why something is hidden or unknown, it just doesn't make sense when some creature or the like is just hanging out, lurking around, waiting for some group of peeps to wander into its stomping grounds.

There should always be a reason.  Even if it's as simple as...let's say House of 1,000 Corpses, in which the "family" has been killing for a long time, and it's known that mysterious disappearances have been going on for some time in that area.

But in both this one and the Evil Succubus Maidens, this bad shit happens at the drop of a hat, and based on that, seems to be happening quite frequently.

Quoted from Dreamscale The issue is that the child didn't discover the giant eagle and the child didn't discover the Indian - based on how it's written, this has been going on for some time, and the family here, is just another set of victims for the killer bird and evil Indian . Or better yet, this suffers from the age old issue in horror movies of "something evil or the like" which has been going on forever, yet a group of peeps suddenly discover it, as if it's unknown or brand new. Does that make sense?

I may need to read it again but I read it that the Eagle and the Indian were one and the same as they both had cataracts and the legend says they can transform from man to bird and back again. There's an assumption that the Indian is evil but he told them not to go in that direction and it appeared to me like he was protecting the eggs. More instinct than evil perhaps? There was a line in there that suggested the magic was all hokum because if they had such magic how come they got wiped out by simple disease (and white man by implication). The Thunderbirds simply protected their territory like animals do. The tribes who lived nearby ‘saw this as a protective force’ but as long as their territory was respected they did not interfere, hence the tribes got wiped out by ordinary means.

I too thought “How the heck do massive Eagles like this stay hidden from the world?” at first but with the transformation angle maybe they can. Maybe the only nest once every hundred years or so and this is the only time they are compelled to transform. Maybe normally the Indian doesn’t kill every family it comes across, only killing those when it needs to. He did show compassion at the end as well, he killed the adults who could have exposed the secret to the world but saved the child…in a way.

The discovery that ‘potentially’ could change mankind wasn’t so much the egg or the Eagle (Which came first? lol) but the boy who had been transformed into a bird. What happens when he and others like him grow up and goes out on his own? I agree there could be more explanation in the script and would like to see a re-write after the competition.

Wow...my favorite of the bunch. I don't know how I missed this one yesterday.

GREAT job on the owc. GREAT story.