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Format: OK. Not enough white space. You only need to CAP the first instance of a characters name. Actions: Good. The actions were adequate to explain what was happening, but a few times I found my mind straying because they didn't hold my interest. The need a bit more colour, a bit more variation of sentence length and structure. Characters: Ok. Neither had much backstory or distinctive traits. The alligators were almost more interesting. (just kidding). Dialogue: Ok. There wasn't much dialogue to judge here. What dialogue there was didn't sparkle, but it wasn't bad either. Story: Good. A very simple story but it was a thriller.
This, for me, started off well, but once the gators showed up, I lost interest. Too much action, not enough story. That said, the biggest problem I had with the script was lack of character developement -- I wasn't allowed an opportunity to get to know the two leads, to care if they were made a meal of.
This was a lot of fun, as most creature features are. The dialogue was both sharp and humorous, the characters were flat but I think they don't need to be too developed for this kind of thing, and the action was entertaining. The opening chase scene was a new setup for the OWC, which was refreshing, and I have to admit, I've been disappointed at the lack of alligators in this OWC (there's only one other script I've read and it only had one). Best of all, I think, is this didn't seem to take itself too seriously, which made it much more entertaining. And it was short! When you're reading forty scripts, most a full 15 pages, and 6 page script is very welcome, as far as I'm concerned.
I actually don't have much to complain about here. I dug this one. That's about all I can say.
This is another one of those shorts that's in desperate need of expansion. Adding another ten pages would've been a great improvement...something to consider if you choose to rewrite this.
The long stretch without the dialog was a major problem for me. I can't imagine Mary Beth not saying anything aloud. And dialog breaks up the blocks and blocks of action that you wrote.
I'm sorry, but I'm giddy already from all these scripts, so I had to laugh some.
Firstly, when I started reading this I was engaged until that darn boat showed up again and I thought: "Blasted!" I thought it was burnt up. It's indestructible the darn thing.
The part about the money getting thrown out of the window and thinking outside the box, I found that amusing. I could see the money hitting the police car's windshield.
This was rather short. Only six pages.
I noticed too many "Mary Beths" beginning sentences.
Now please, I'm not trying to be rude, just like I said giddy, but the following I found funny:
>Two alligators resting back there... ???
Relaxing you know... Having a couple of lattes...
>Mary Beth screams. The alligators didn't react to the noise.
No, I guess they wouldn't.
>Mary Beth says to the Alligator: "I hate you. I hate you..."
And the alligator says, "I'm not too fond of you either, but if you buy me some raw meat with all that money, I'm willing to overlook our differences."
Seriously, I liked some of the early parts. The money flying, and I loved the idea they had about dropping all the tree branches down to cover the car.
This was a good effort. And I really got a few laughs, but I don't mean anything. I'm teasing here.
Anyways, Mary Beth's final action sums up my feelings on this challenge:
Sandra E. begins to laugh a weary worn out laugh, as she relaxes.