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Felt like it was missing an act. Was no ending IMO. We just fadeout to him singing neve knowing if she's gonna break her engagement for him or whether there is an agent from a record label ready to sign him after the performance... Something more needed to happen.
It was romantic and had drama. Nil comedy, though.
Lyrics were okay... Seemed to fit the story...
Was just okay to me, missing an resolution of any kind is a biggy though...
This was sad. It needs some comedy. I almost cried, darn it... As you get older... Excuse me... As I get older, the romance has just dissapeared...
Anyway, back to your script.
The romance, and song were there. Not sure what you could do to add in the comedy, but if you find a way, let me know and I'll re-read it. Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Oh my...Turning 35. Time to get out the walker and the cane and get ready for the grave. This was a very good example of breaking up long chunks of dialogue with little actions.
He looks down and plays with the cardboard coasters that are neatly stacked. His brows knit as he’s releasing some bitter sentiments.
Jen thinks hard on this, choosing her words wisely. How can this thought be demonstrated visually? What do people do when they are thinking hard and choosing thier words wisely? She may sigh deeply, sit silent for a few long minutes, then speak slowly and precisely.
I still liked it though. If you'd like to research this idea further, suggest looking into the story of Puddle of Mudd, as Wes Scantlin was in a similiar position in his career.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
yes, it was MOI!! Let me start off by saying, thank you for reading and for your comments (good AND bad)! I decided to write at the very LAST MINUTE and yes, it was rushed -- so, sorry for that.
some criticisms were very hard to take, esp. one wondering if english is my first language (ouch!). sadly yes, and i don't have an excuse for my poor grammar and i never realized that "rolling stone" didn't have an S at the end (like the band).
looking back, i do agree that the asides were a bit much. i guess i was trying to create a somewhat somber or reflective mood.
i didn't know how to lighten up the piece. many found it depressing because it IS. As someone who tried to pursue a singing (classical) career, it's heartbreaking when it doesn't turn out that way. all the time, money and heartache...it's devastating.
and to comment on blakkwolfe's comment of 35 not being that old -- it may not be over the hill, but it's an age that you start wondering if your life's going anywhere...
oh and YES, the lyrics were crap. i'm not a songwriter (a big surprise). i knew that when i was posting this up.
sooo glad to get that off my chest, even if it is three-four months later....